Is Our Ambivalence Giving Kids a Reason to Be Racist?

Back in the day, I went to about as racially and ethnically diverse an elementary school as you could get. It was urban and populated with children of various nationalities and lineages. From my white boy perspective, things were pretty copasetic and harmonious with cliques of children more apt to discriminate along gender lines than racial or ethnic ones. Somehow all of that began to change once we all moved into the realm of middle school. It was not anything conscious or even contentious, but we all started self segregating. Latino kids starting hanging out together. White kids formed their own social groups and the black kids did as well. These were the same kids that had grown up together and bonded in friendship, and now we were inexplicably separate. This gulf only widened once the transition into high school came about, and the rarity of a mixed race pack of friends became an overwhelming novelty.

I was reminded of this very real phenomenon a few years ago when plowing through the Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman bestseller NurtureShock (an enormously controversial investigation into child development). In a chapter dedicated to the issue of how children, even in the most diverse environments, explore and internalize the issue of race, authors Bronson and Merryman point to our failures in racial harmony, not as evidence that we are not diverse enough, but that we just don’t talk about race nearly enough to make sense of it for ourselves or our children. It is tempting to believe that because the current generation of kids and teens are so seemingly diverse, they will naturally grow up knowing how to get along with people of every race. But numerous studies, namely ones sited in this book, suggest that this is more of a fantasy than a fact.

One of the main factors that serve as a persistent obstacle toward more awareness, tolerance and general harmony is the singular fact that most parents rarely talk with their children about race. It has become a subject that is surprisingly taboo and only spoken of in the most general of terms. For the most part, many parents avoid the particulars of race as well as the more taboo aspects of the subject in favor of depending on the diversity of the school environment to tacitly inform and instruct their child as to how the world works. Sadly, things are rarely ever this easy or (excuse the pun) black and white.

This diffidence and reticence among parents is, according to Bronson and Merryman, doing quite a disservice and subtly helping to build up racial constructs, fueling confusion and, in some cases, nurturing racist attitudes among children. We, as parents, entertain this fantasy that children should be raised as colorblind and that everyone is “equal” in our eyes, and by proxy, our children’s. But is this just an oversimplification that conveniently glosses over meta-levels of identity, as well as issues of belonging and perception. Has our knee-jerk response to racism yielded something just as vexing and insidious as the blatant racism that dominated for years? In essence, are we inadvertently raising racist children?

Here is some food for thought courtesy of NutureShock:

Seventy-five percent of white parents never or almost never talk about race with their kids.
The odds of a white high schooler in America having a best friend of another race are only 8 percent. For African-Americans the odds aren’t much better: 85 percent of black kids’ best friends are also black.
A child’s attitudes toward race are much harder to alter after third grade, but a lot of parents wait until then (or later) before they feel it’s “safe” to talk frankly about race.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

J.L. A.

8:33AM PDT on Apr 18, 2012

good reminder of how silence hurts

send a green star

Miranda L.

2:53PM PDT on Mar 24, 2012

I forgot to say that while I'm wishing and hoping, I'm also doing anything I can within my family, friends, community, school, to WORK FOR IT as well.

2:50PM PDT on Mar 24, 2012

I devoutly wish and hope for the day when we won't need to practice tolerance, because we have become truly and simply accepting of the many diverse and beautiful ways there are of being a human being.

Jennifer E.

2:46PM PDT on Mar 24, 2012

Tolerance is such a difficult thing to achieve, isn't it? So many levels that are out of conscious evaluation.

Ruth P.

6:09AM PST on Mar 3, 2012

It's a problem with adults, too. An individual may well be as colourblind as they claim, though I doubt it, but that's not the problem. Racism and anti-racism don't cancel each other out. The racism exists regardless, and ignoring it is racist. Telling our children that skin colour doesn't matter is a lie. It shouldn't matter, and it might not matter to us, but it matters to racists, and unfortunately that's important.

Ra S.

1:54PM PST on Mar 1, 2012

I think a lot of parents just don't know what they should be saying and don't want to say the wrong things. I think if the parents have diverse friends themselves, then seeing that will do a great deal of good, but if the parents do not, then it's much more difficult. It would be good for more specific suggestions about what children need to hear and how to have such conversations were given. I think a lot of parents do tell their children not to judge people or pick their friends based on what they look like, but that clearly isn't enough.

Chad A.

3:45PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

I can only speak of the white world I have lived in but there is a lot of pretending that there is no race and then a lot of awkwardness when confronted with this ever-present reality. I am open to trying something else and talking about race.

Rudolf A.

6:55AM PST on Feb 5, 2012

We need to stress to our children that whilst their are many different cultures underneath all that matters is that we are all human beings : the only real race on the planet.

Charli S.

10:40AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

Could the problem be that too many parents work too many hours trying to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies? I hear the right talking about their agenda of "family" but what have they done to really make things better for families? Most of the safety nets are being dismantled to create "smaller government". Health care for many is still out of reach (and wouldn't it have been simpler to make insurance and pharmaceutical companies not for profits or limited profit companies?) Most women work not because they want to but because they have to. Children need at least one parent at home while they are young. My generation had at least one parent at home and most Mothers that didn't work until the kids were in school. I think this was the reason we were socially conscious. Also our parents watched the horrors of WWII and the concentration camps. My mother taught me that every one was equal and that we treat all people with kindness and civility. How many kids are being taught that anyone who isn't of their "faith" is somehow less then they are? I hear it from the GOP all the time. Maybe it's the push for "Christian Values" (which usually aren't very Christian) the lack of energy and time that is at fault.

Norma V.

4:02AM PST on Feb 1, 2012

Adults need to admit we have our prejudices and be willing to work at letting them go...this sets an example that it's never too late to change and grow as a human being.