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Is Your Relationship Ending?

Is Your Relationship Ending?

Is your relationship really ending or is it just going through some growing pains? These guideposts can help you decide, or, if your relationship has already ended, they may help you clarify the reasons why it did.

Relationships should enhance our lives, and although every relationship includes unpleasant experiences, when the majority of the experiences are unpleasant, then questions about the viability of the relationship need to be raised.

Here are some of the classic signs that a relationship is truly ending:

1. Fights.
If the relationship has become a battleground, the only experience youíre truly sharing is conflict. Fighting can be a positive thing within a flourishing relationship, but repetitive, purposeless fighting more often indicates that a relationship is ending. In a healthy relationship, although there may be several repetitions of a given conflict, eventually some insight occurs or some new information is revealed so that the partners know more about each other, feel closer to each other, and will conduct their relationship differently in the future because of the insight that has occurred. When fighting is indicative of the end of relationship, however, it is essentially nonproductive. Instead of feeling closer after the fight, they finish it feeling estranged from each other and totally hopeless about their situation.

2. Boredom.
Feelings of disconnection and depression could indicate that the essential vitality in your relationship is gone. This can mean that youíre not having enough ongoing transactions that have meaning or provide sufficient nourishment for your relationship to be alive and well. Although depression and boredom donít necessarily signal the end of a relationship, when you are feeling bored and frustrated about your life, your partner will serve as a refuge from those awful feelings; your relationship will be a healing and comforting place. When the relationship itself isnít working, you find yourself turning away from your partner. You find that all your significant nourishment is coming from other sources. Divining whether itís your relationship or life itself that is causing your boredom takes a certain amount of research. Check out all the other external factors that may be causing your feelings. There is an important difference between boredom and familiarity, comfort and security where you value your daily involvement with the other person, viewing your partner as a resource and ally. When your partner is no longer seen as a resource or ally, or when your partner is no longer interesting to you, then you are genuinely bored.

3. Emotional Distance.
Emotional distance occurs when you come to the place in your own consciousness where, for whatever reasons, you have moved away from your relationship. You are, in a sense, holding back your emotions and expending them elsewhere. Youíve decided to limit the depth of your contact with your partner. Deep emotional distance is often an indicator that there is no turning back in a relationship, that on an unconscious level both partners have already created an alternate private reality based on their differing values.

4. Affairs.
Affairs are classic indicators that something isnít right with a relationship. Sexual bonding is one of the ways we define primary relationships so it generally does have a corrosive and divisive effect when we dilute our commitment by having sex outside of our primary relationship. Sometimes, when we are trying to end a relationship but donít know how, we often engage in an affair. Unconsciously we know that the affair will communicate our real intentions, which weíre afraid to express in a more direct way.

The marriage that is constantly punctuated by affairs is not a marriage or an intimate relationship, it is a circumstantial arrangement and will survive only as long as both partners are content to have a marriage of convenience.

People who indulge in affairs may indeed be selfish, self-indulgent, and inconsiderate. But what is also and more importantly true is that affairs may not be so much a statement about individual character as they are about the quality of the relationships upon which they inevitably impinge.

Read more: Spirit, Guidance, Self-Help,

Adapted from Coming Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma (Conari Press, 2000). Copyright (c) 2000 by Daphne Rose Kingma. Reprinted by permission of Conari Press.
Adapted from Coming Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma (Conari Press, 2000).

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Annie B. Bond

Annie is a renowned expert in non-toxic and green living. She was named one of the top 20 environmental leaders by Body and Soul Magazine and "the foremost expert on green living." - Body & Soul Magazine, 2009. Learn Annie's latest eco-friendly news on, a website dedicated to healthy and green living.

Go to the Source

Coming Apart

Why relationships end and how to live through the ending of now


+ add your own
7:57PM PDT on Jul 4, 2014

Communication is always the key :)

5:25AM PDT on Jul 4, 2014

A good relationship is never God-sent; work hard

6:41PM PDT on Jun 8, 2014

In the old days when people promised to be together'til they died, many died younger than we die. Women died in childbirth and mens' lives were often shorter as well.

4:58AM PDT on Jul 31, 2013

There is a lot of give & take in any marriage. You have to remember it doesn't only affect the one person, it takes two to Tango & often children are involved. It would be very hard to accept the fact that your husband/wife was having an affair with someone. There must be something wrong for this to happen & would a person be able to forgive & forget !!! If there is a problem it must be aired & spoken about to come to a conclusion.When a relationship goes sour & you can't resolve it, is it worth it, or does it mean that the marriage has come to an end. There is an old saying, there's not enough room in the bed for three.....

10:33PM PDT on Jul 24, 2013

I am Nagalia Pendragon from Canada, after six years in marriage with my husband with 3 kids, he suddenly started going out with other women and coming home late, each time i confronted him it turns out to be a fight and he always treathened to divorce me at all time, my marriage was gradually coming to an end. i tried all i could to stop him from this unruly attitude but all proved abortive, until i saw a post in the forum about a spell caster who helps people cast spell on marriage and relationship problems, at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this Spell caster Dr. Ikedi Ero via email, he helped me cast a spell and within 4 hours my husband came back apologizing for all he has done and promised never to do such again and today we are happily together again. Contact this Great spell caster for your marriage or relationship issues via this email;

5:06PM PDT on Mar 25, 2013

thanks for sharing

4:35PM PDT on Mar 25, 2013

I agree with Chad. A lot of things happen in our day to day lives that makes relationships difficult. What matters in the end if whether the people are willing to work things out together. Everyone gets upset and picks a fight over something stupid, everyone gets bored and at some point everyone gets emotionally drained from always sharing their feelings and needs some space. The important thing is that both of you decide to come back together and have grown from your experiences.

12:41PM PST on Feb 12, 2012

Wow. I recognize my relationship in 3 out of the 4 (not the "affair" one) of the points you're enlightening. Especially the 1st one : fights. I realize that when something doesn't feel right, it's probably not right. But, I've heard so many people saying the "When you know, you know !" thing who ended up seperated or divorced. So, what is right and what is wrong ? When it's wrong, is it hopeless too ? Or do we have it in ourselves to makes things change, with time and good will ? Isn't it a little too easy to say : "Okay, it doesn't work, so, I'm out !" ? Aren't we suppose to earn it, too ? I don't believe in fairy-tales, even for the lucky soulmates. So, is a bad relationship/dysfunctionnal relationship really worthless or can something good ever come out of it ?

9:15PM PST on Jan 13, 2012

Love is so hard and there are always so many things going on at once. Beyond any signs that things are over there is the willingness or unwillingess of both parties to work on the relationship. When both people are not trying, or are making things worse, it is just a matter of time.

6:46AM PDT on Aug 2, 2011

I hate the "how to fix a relashionship" tips cos there is NO such thing. When it's over its over just like death... Well, i will go now and have a walk with my new Handbags NJ on my shoulder.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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