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Just How Important Is Sex, Really?

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Just How Important Is Sex, Really?

I donít have to tell you that sex is everywhere: in films, on television and in any other venue advertisers can lay their hands on. The blaring message: sex is not only important but absolutely necessary and if you arenít having it, thereís something wrong with you (which isnít true, so donít worry). But from a relationship happiness perspective, how important is sex, really? How critical is sex to long-term relationships or marriage? Letís look to a recent national survey for a glimpse into whatís really going on in the bedrooms and minds of women, gathered from the community website iVillage. I will attempt to interpret the results and provide some tips for whatever percentile you find yourself in.

Seventy-five percent of women think that a good sex life is very important. (Men, thatís 3 out of 4 women youíll meet on any given day. This is obviously nice news for our gender.) But what is ďa good sex lifeĒ?

Hereís where the rubber meets the roadÖOne womanís fantasy of hot car sex is another womanís nose turned up, and men, your fantasies may or may not turn on or satisfy your partner. Thatís the reality–and sexual compatibility isnít a guarantee no matter how attracted you are as he/she walks across the room. So, before you fight over whoís on top or bottom tonight, letís bridge the war of the sexes in the bedroom by the best form of foreplay for most women: talking.

My friend Janet Smith used to say that our largest sexual organ was between our ears. Ask these questions of your partner when the lights are low and the mood is set or if that bothers you, then over a cup of coffee is fine too:

1. What turns you on? How do you like to be touched and where?
2. What is your favorite day or time of day for sex?
3. What is your favorite form of foreplay (Men, donít be surprised to hearÖ ďDoing the dishes!Ē)
4. What are your favorite fantasies? Would you like to include talking about them while you are making love?

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Dr. Bill Cloke

Dr. Bill Cloke has worked with individuals and couples for 30 years. He received a masterís degree in education from the University of Southern California and holds a PhD in psychology from California Graduate Institute. A frequent talk-radio and TV psychologist, he is also a contributor to and other popular websites and has lectured at UCLA. Bill Cloke lives with his wife in Los Angeles. To learn more about Bill Cloke, and for more resources on creating healthy, happy relationships, visit


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10:00AM PDT on Aug 8, 2012

i thought for most it is. it is all that is important and without it you are some looser and nobody wants to be romantically involved with you. and they all run away without sex.

10:52AM PDT on Apr 13, 2012

Thanks for sharing.

8:28AM PDT on Apr 6, 2012

Irrelevant. There are much more important things to be concerned with. Stop being so self-centred.

8:13AM PDT on Apr 3, 2012

love is important part of a good and healthy relationship .

8:48PM PDT on Apr 1, 2012

I love sex.....but I don't think sex has to be a part of everyones lives for a close & loving relationship.I believe you can have an even closer relationship without it.

4:28PM PDT on Mar 31, 2012

sex is important but not the most important thing, when things get stressful or hardships hit, that is when a couple needs to make sure they have sex regularly, see there are feel-good chemical in the brain released during an orgasm to help relieve the tension, but what i think is more important than sex is holding one another before falling asleep, as much as possible. i would be more concerned if my partner and i werent doing this than not having sex. the other important thing is the act of talking AND listening, not just about important stuff but anything and everything, as well as find ways to keep each other interested, as time goes on things can get boring and into a routine but taking the time to notice things around you or doing something together makes all the difference. being a stay-at-home mom things are very routine but i try to notice when my son does something new and share it and then talk about wondering what he;ll be like when he's 7 or something.

2:54PM PDT on Mar 31, 2012

kisha B. sounds like you lost touch with your sexuality or maybe bored of the boyfriend?

2:23PM PDT on Mar 31, 2012

its such a bad idea to let ur kids sleep in ur bed, i understand when they are sick or scared but not keeping them in your bed nightly. if a couple practices this and complains about a crappy sex life then they are morons

4:59PM PDT on Mar 29, 2012

ITS A MANS world and sex IS for them. Its procreation, they get the best joy out of it as do everything else they get in life. Us women get stuck with the pregnancy , the kid. and all the ,thrush and cystitis and pain for weeks, when its healed and u feel better it starts all over again.

4:56PM PDT on Mar 29, 2012

heather A you are right . Intimacy does bring closeness, which is sadly missed when a woman has lots of stress and depression ,anxiety in her life. Sex life goes out the window. When you get in2 your 50's it gets even worse. You lose your desire for sex naturally but even more so if your have depression and anxirty like myself, tho i do not have a partner at the moment, i have bin hurt so much in thepast, i have brought up the barriers now. Im 56. im never gonna find the 'one'/ dont tell me to be not negative , i am, i am me. Ive bin tehre ,dun it,and my eyes are wide open. Life sucks when u aint lukky and enjoying it. and its such a beautiful world with out all the wars and animal cruelty it cud be even better but, it wud be nice to find the 'one' to share it with. Company, love, into old age. Ive bin searching a long long while so far. i dont do dating agencys.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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