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Life After Divorce: Who Gets Custody of the Friends?

Life After Divorce: Who Gets Custody of the Friends?

If there’s one life event that’ll shake out who your real friends are, it’s divorce. Still, many are caught by surprise when friendships crumble and people they thought they could count on seem to be taking sides, especially if it’s not their side. It’s hurtful and can make you do all the wrong things.

So, what should you do about it? Certified Divorce Coach Debbie Martinez says that despite your own problems, you need to put yourself in your friends’ place. “Friends have their own challenges. They also find themselves stuck having to make uncomfortable decisions. Don’t get stuck trying to prove yourself to your friends.”

The Friends You Lose

The key, Ms. Martinez tells Care2, is to remember that “friends are real people with emotions of their own. You don’t want to put them in a position that makes them feel awkward or uncomfortable. If they cherish the friendship enough they will remain your friend. If they don’t, you don’t want that person as a lifelong friend.

“You can’t control your friends or who they side with. You will lose friends. Your world as you knew it is no longer, and that includes your family, your kids, and your friends. Be sad about it, but don’t stay in that place — accept the choices other people make. These people were your friends for a time. If they’re choosing to go with your ex, that’s okay. Grieve it and move on.”

The Toxic Ex

What about the toxic, narcissistic ex who works to have everybody on their side? You can’t help but feel like it’s an uphill battle. “But why are you battling at all?” asks Martinez. “If they want to go with the ex, then let them go. Don’t add fuel to the fire. If your spouse is trying to sabotage your friendships, don’t worry about it. If your friends are that easily sabotaged, you don’t want them in the first place. Change your perspective. Think of it as a natural weeding of your garden. At the end of the day, the flowers that remain will bloom the brightest.”

The Awkward Social Event

Your friends are throwing a party and they’ve invited you and the ex you don’t want to socialize with. Should you demand an explanation from your friends and tell them to un-invite the ex or you’re boycotting the event?

“Don’t put friends in the middle,” says Martinez. “If they feel they have to be politically correct and invite both of you, they’re trying to do the right thing. Give them credit for that. For you to call them on that is a surefire way to lose a friend. When you’re invited to a party where your ex will be, you don’t have to shy away. Just make sure your intentions are good intentions. Don’t go if you’ve got an ‘I’ll show him’ attitude. Don’t go if the evening is going to end with you in tears and feeling weak. Do go if you think you’ll have that empowering ‘I did it’ feeling. Only you can gauge that.”

The Friends You Keep and the Friends You Make

Martinez reminds us that we may never understand the choices other people make, but we do have to accept them. “Pain comes from trying to understand something you can’t wrap your head around and never will. It’s really painful to constantly look back. When you accept others’ choices, you can move forward and find new friends.”

She adds that “the friendships you keep are the friendships you’ll want to cherish, because they have stuck with you.” The good news is that once you move on, you can put your time and effort into cultivating new friends who want to be with you. Life will be different, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.

 

Related Reading
Loneliness Harms Health: Why You Need Friends
How To Move On From Your Divorce Blues
Do Animals Get Divorced?

Photo: Photographer/Collection Wavebreakmedia Ltd. | Thinkstock

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Ann Pietrangelo

Ann Pietrangelo is the author of No More Secs! Living, Laughing & Loving Despite Multiple Sclerosis and Catch That Look: Living, Laughing & Loving Despite Triple-Negative Breast Cancer. She is a freelance writer and member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors. Follow on Twitter @AnnPietrangelo

84 comments

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3:53PM PST on Mar 3, 2014

Shouldn't be difficult. Girls stick with girls. Guys stick with guys.

9:53AM PST on Feb 10, 2014

My husband lost a couple when he divorced his ex, they were like family to him but felt that his ex was more important to them. It has been over 7.5 years and he still hasn't recovered from the blow. He is very loyal and can't believe they chose. I think his ex made them choose honestly. It's too bad that we make others chose. I didn't. I had friends who divorced and I told them flat out, I loved them both and I wasn't choosing!

5:04PM PST on Feb 9, 2014

Thanks, interesting

3:00PM PST on Feb 9, 2014

HAHAHA Who keeps the friends. Only if they are true friends do you want to keep them.

Whoever has the contact - wins the friends.

Sometimes if the friends are real, both keep or both lose.

Spam flagged.

2:53AM PST on Feb 9, 2014

thanks for sharing

9:31PM PST on Feb 7, 2014

Thanks!

7:42PM PST on Feb 7, 2014

Good article. Thanks.

5:27PM PST on Feb 6, 2014

I flagged the two spammers.

8:54AM PST on Feb 6, 2014

I try not to have expectations on how people react, not always successful, but I'm learning. Thanks for the post.

7:46AM PST on Feb 6, 2014

So very true Diane~ However, friends of couple should be friends of each individual first and realize that just because one is in a coupled union, we are still individuals first and foremost. AND, there should be no differentiation between being friends with each individual. There will always be divorces so having respected each individual as their own person and being friends with them in that same manner, then mature persons should have no questions about remaining friends should a divorce occur. People should be mature enough to realize that and not feel that they have to pick sides as that is utterly ridiculous and highly immature. Just keep your nose out of it and should your divorcee friend wish to share their reasons they feel were the cause for the divorce, then fine. And don't make judgements, (take sides) as you were not the judge that presided over their divorce. This goes for the other party of the divorce and you should all remain friends based on your individually based friendships. Again, anything else is just plain immature!

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