Looking in on Aging Relatives: A Home-for-the-Holidays Checklist

Every year, nursing home and assisted living administrators share the same story: Around the holidays, admissions spike. The reason? Adult children who may not have seen their aging-in-place relatives since the last holiday season come home for a visit and are shocked by what they see: A once well-kept home now in disarray, or a formerly robust relative looking startlingly frail.

Sometimes, of course, you may in fact come home to a real emergency, and residential care may in fact be the best option. Other times, the problems can be handled without a move, by measures such as enlisting part-time, in-home caregivers, helping your relatives register at an adult day center, or hiring a housekeeper and signing them up for a meal delivery service.

Determining if Elderly Family Members Can Live Independently
Before you can help, though, you need get a realistic sense of where things stand. Asking direct questions right off the bat may put your relatives on the defensive, but you can learn a lot simply by looking around. This “home for the holidays” checklist will help you cover all the bases:

1. Look in the frig. Is the freezer full of TV dinners and the vegetable drawer empty? Has the milk gone sour? A quick scan can tell you whether your parents are still able to shop for and prepare healthy meals.

2. Drive the car. Ask them to let you take the wheel on a family outing, or take a peek at the oil and the tires when the car is in the garage. Are they keeping up with basic maintenance, or are the brakes getting loose and the oil low? Did they remember to put in antifreeze if they live in a climate that requires it?

3. Take a peek at the mail. Unopened junk mail is nothing to worry about, but if personal correspondence is piling up unread, that may be cause for concern. Unpaid bills are a real red flag that things may be getting out of control.

4. Investigate the bathroom. Older folks sometimes lose the physical ability to clean their homes and attempt to cover it up by being exceedingly tidy–everything is in neat piles, even if there’s dust settling over those piles. The bathroom is one place where it’s hard to cover up if their ability to keep up with the cleaning is slipping–a quick once-over is all you’ll need to know if they need extra help with the cleaning.

5. Take note of how the pets are doing. Check the plants, too. Your parents’ ability to take care of other living things may offer clues to their ability to manage their own care.

6. Talk to the neighbors. You may not see your family members every day, but neighbors often do. You may feel awkward about invading your relatives’ privacy, but if the above checks have already given you cause for concern, it’s worth putting your relatives’ safety above a sense of decorum and asking neighbors if they’ve seen signs that your family members are having trouble meeting basic needs. Just by asking, you’ve established a relationship, and perhaps enlisted an extra pair of eyes to help watch over your relatives a little more closely after the holidays are over and you’ve gone back home.

7. Identify some benchmarks. How are your parents doing compared with this time last year? The holidays can be a good time to reflect on the previous year and take note of any significant changes. A marked decline from one year to the next may mean it’s time to start looking into additional supports.

8. Go to the source. There’s a reason this item is last on the list–bringing up concerns that your relatives may be losing the ability to care for themselves may in fact trigger a holiday-wrecking family blow-out. So you may want to start with the “invisible” checks above, and save this one for later in the visit. On the other hand, your relatives just may surprise you. While an initial response may be a defensive “Everything’s fine,” many older people harbor the same fears for their current and future safety that their relatives do, even if pride keeps them from voicing them. Taking the time to sit down with them, draw out their concerns, and find out what they’re worried about, and how you can help–rather than launching into your concerns for them, or what you think they ought to do–may give you the most useful information of all, and still allow you to sit down together for a peaceful holiday meal.

Caring.com was created to help you care for your aging parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. As the leading destination for eldercare resources on the Internet, our mission is to give you the information and services you need to make better decisions, save time, and feel more supported. Caring.com provides the practical information, personal support, expert advice, and easy-to-use tools you need during this challenging time.