Love, Shame, and Self-Worth

Clearly Jeanne desperately wants her husband to say “I love you” at times, yet she forces herself not to ask. She therefore pushes herself further into self-doubt, by forbidding herself to ask for what she wants.

This self-denial is a result of shame, an emotion closely connected to deservedness. You need to realize that asking to be loved is not only not shameful, it’s exactly what one should do to get love. Shame tells us that love is a small, precious commodity that we have to beg for. But love is abundant, and asking for it only reflects that you already perceive it to be yours.

Whenever Alan says that he loves her, Jeanne also needs to trust his assurance, and if this proves difficult, she should resist the temptation to ask for more reassurance on the spot – it will be more productive to work on how she can learn to trust.

Here the story comes to a parting between psychology and spirituality. In psychological terms Jeanne’s lack of self-worth is abound up in dark memories from her past. As a small girl she was imprinted with experiences that told her she wasn’t good enough – we all have similarly painful memories. Years later these were transferred to looks, age, and sexual desirability.

Jeanne would never accept herself as long as she was attracted to men who she believed were more desirable that she, because any comparison would put her in the shade. Being with Alan was a “solution” born out of past conditioning that had to fall away.

“I think it’s a good idea for you to work through personal issues,” I told Jeanne, “but lasting a solution to whether you are deserving or not will only come spiritually.

The spiritual answer to any problem is immediate. It’s our own perception that is slow to catch on. God’s ability to love us is limited only by our ability to receive that love here and now.

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).

50 comments

Sean K.
Sean K.6 years ago

I believe to key to Love is, Knowing that you are Love itself, to share is to feel it.
To feel it, is to grasp it.
To grasp it, is to be it.
So just, Be it.
Hence the circle is complete.

Zane L.
Zane Lo6 years ago

Your work is inspirational; your writings remind me of great spiritual teachers, Gandhi and Kahlil Gibran. God bless you for sharing the fruits of the spirit so generously!

Janice L.
Janice Lawrence6 years ago

This is similar to something my Science of Mind friends tell me--you ask the Universe for what you want and you don't change your mind.

Eli Is Here
Past Member 6 years ago

Excellent article. Thank you.

Rosemary H.
Rosemary H.6 years ago

I like Deepak's articles.

Melissa Verduzco
.6 years ago

Thank you, Deepak! Your words always give peace.

Lynne Nofziger
Lynne N.6 years ago

All in divine order...everything that is happening is perfect at the moment. Iit is just we who judge it to be good, bad or neutral. Life is always good.

Chrisella Sentana

thanks for the article. It's very useful

Ray P.
Mary P.6 years ago

Eileen P "and God loves everyone.......even the terrorists (a hard one for me to truly understand.)"

Your above words put a smile on my lips. LOL. Plse remember the ones you call "TERRORISTS" are just people's views and opinions nothing else. In GOD'S view and opinion, the very same person u call a "TERRORIST" may not be a "TERRORIST" in REALITY and the very same "TERRORIST" as u call him maybe truely loved by GOD in everyway. Who knows BEST GOD OR us Humans???? That is why it is the safest NOT TO JUDGE for we know not REALITY. REALITY is ONLY KNOWN to GOD and no-one else. Hope that helped u realize how little we humans truely KNOW.

Marge M.
Marge M.6 years ago

50 and finally realize I don't need a man in my life to make me feel worthwhile