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Love? Yeah, Right!

Love?  Yeah, Right!

How appropriate for me to choose this topic in lieu of the upcoming Hallmark proclaimed “Valentines Day”.

After recently hearing two more stories about young women falling in love with men they barely know, it felt like a perfect time to bust the “love myth”.  I have close friends who both have daughters in their early twenties.  Although they do not know one another these young women have a similar story.

They both met young men on the internet who were in the Armed Forces and fell in love mostly through e-mail and phone conversations.  Both of the women have spent approximately a grand total of what would equate to two months in face-to-face time with these men.  Although the time spent together was over a two year period, it still is not enough time spent with a person to know if this relationship is for a lifetime.

Much to the parent’s dismay, one of the young women decided she was going to marry her beau.  They did get married, spent a week together and he is currently back to his post overseas.  The other young woman is in a more challenging situation.  During her last visit with her young man, she became pregnant.  The boyfriend is at his post overseas, claims to love his girlfriend and wants to keep the child.  Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture?  Is it just me that feels as if our world is becoming desensitized to bringing a child into the world with parents who are still children themselves? Are we as a community not teaching our children what love and responsibility are all about?  I am not condoning or condeming abortion, this is a highly personal decision, however there are other options when one becomes pregnant during a less than ideal situation.  But of course, this couple is in love and that will definitely sustain them for the next twenty years while raising their child.

How do you explain to a 2o something person that has spent so little time together with their new partner to take it slowly?  Get to know one another!  What a concept.  I keep seeing this scenario over and over again and continuously see young people getting deeply hurt because they lack the skills in understanding what love and commitment are all about.  This is not a blame game on who is responsible for teaching this generation, but there must be a viable way to educate people on what it means to take your time and fall in love……slowly!!

While rushing into marriage or having a child together is not isolated to the 20 something generation, a person in their 30′s or 40′s has had more life experience, is a little stronger in their own self-awareness and hopefully has better skills than when they were in their 20′s.

I personally do not feel that a person in their 20′s has the ability to know themselves well enough to make a decision to spend the rest of their life with someone based on just knowing them for such a short amount of time.  And if I hear one more time…”but we spend hours talking on the computer and the phone”..I am going to go screaming into the night!  Does talking on the phone and writing e-mails a relationship make?  Does it teach you how that person handles tough life situations?  What are they like on a day to day basis?  It is a huge undertaking to make a life commitment to another person and never mind making it with someone you have not spent more than three consecutive weeks with.

I have noticed something else that these young women have in common.  They are both very talented, however they have not done anything with their talents.  In other words, they have nothing going on in their lives.  I remember being in my 20′s and the furthest thing from my mind was getting married.  I was embarking on a career in the theatre and was determined to make it my life’s work.  I believe that beginning to create a life for yourself and finding something you are deeply passionate about in the world can begin in your 20′s. This is the perfect time in life to try on different careers and see what is a fit for you.  Find yourself before you find someone else!

So, the question remains.   How do you gently and lovingly explain to someone who claims to be deeply in love to take it slowly?  My friend is beside herself trying to talk with her daughter, who has no career, pregnant, very little financial resources and is relying on a man who she hardly knows.

But. . . .they are in “love”.

Happy Valentines Day!

Until next week!

Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Dating, Exercises, Global Healing, Guidance, Inspiration, Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Self-Help, Sex, Spirit, Stop Dating & Find Love!, The Celebrate Your Life Series, , , , , , ,

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Liz Dawn Donahue

Liz Dawn Donahue was recently married after years of dating. She is the CEO of Mishka Productions whose signature event Celebrate Your Life, brings together people from all over the world to assist in raising the consciousness of the planet. CelebrateYourLife.ORG

82 comments

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3:12PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

ty

3:09PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

Sorry, but I don't get it. They're not children but adults in their twenties. It's so easy to think how we might handle a situation, but we are not in their shoes and they have their own paths. Waiting for the right time doesn't necessarily make someone wiser.

And another thing...I do understand how you feel about the internet, but these young women spent time talking to their young men, not just on-line but also on the phone, so at least they were talking and getting to know each other. Some couples have nothing in common and just don't talk at all! As for using their talents, maybe they are just not ready yet. Some people are late developers with their careers, and they might return to college or do something with their talents further on down the line. We can't see what's in store for them, so really can't judge their life choices.

Good luck to both of them, and kudos to the young man who wants to keep the baby and make a home and family with his lady. Nice one. :)

3:08PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

-cont'd-

Gloria M., the author is not on any sort of high horse. She is voicing valid concerns and certainly making several valid points. And speaking as a seventeen-year-old, I'd say that there's always been some value in wisdom coming from adults to younger people, because their experience often allows them to see things from a more objective and long-term standpoint than the person experiencing something for the first time.

Whether those girls are "in love" or not, love does not feed a child, pay taxes, make rent... and long-distance over-seas love does not even provide the benefit of having someone by your side to have your back. These girls sound heads over heels into the foolish extreme, however otherwise talented and smart they are.

3:07PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

Sorry folks, but I AGREE with the author here.

People show a different side of themselves when they're distanced by the illusive powers of words, timing in front of a webcam, and limited face-to-face visitation opportunity. None of that is capable of demonstrating how they will be able to live together-- deal with each other on a daily day-to-day basis with all the different quirks and irritating habits that everyone has-- never mind throwing a child into the mix. Add the fact that they're only twenty years of age, which is extremely young, and you're courting disaster.

Let's face it. Kids grow up slower in Western Civilization in this day and age. Hell, most of them are still in school in some capacity, or still trying to find their footing. It's just a fact that our brains aren't even finished developing until well into our mid-twenties. There's a big different between twenty and twenty-five, just as there is an enormous difference between fifteen and twenty.

Now I admit, I'd give those two girls a little more lee-way if they did not just know these guys through limited face-to-face meetings. But not only is it through limited face-to-face, the guys are shipped off, so they hardly get to see them in the first place. They hardly know them. They only know the persona behind the texts and emails, and the face they see when the guy is being all nice and accommodating on the few visits they DO have.

Gloria M., the author is not on any sort of high horse. She is voic

2:46PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

How patronizing... Those two "girls" have already grown up sweet heart. They are women now, and are naturally seeking love and life. Who are you to deny them life experience? If they hold off on following their intuition now, how are they going to be any better equipped to handle life decisions 10 years from now?

Do you propose they hold themselves back until you believe that it is chronologically appropriate for them seek life partners? I can appreciate that you feel some helplessness in the face of two young women you care about making decisions that you don't believe are in their best interests, but you simply have to stand back and realize that they aren't little girls any more.

8:08AM PDT on Aug 20, 2011

You cannot put people into a mold....all people are different-even 20 somethings.

4:56AM PDT on Mar 25, 2011

Most children come from devorced families, with no self esteem, they look for the boyfriend to replace the father. When what they really need are some sort of self esteem classes. Spirituality classes. It's the only thing I can think of that will make them love themselves first! Once they love themselves they begin to realize that making lifelong commitments in their teens & 20's should be put off until they have experienced life & the world a little bit more first.

3:11PM PST on Mar 3, 2011

great, thanks for the information :)

9:31PM PST on Feb 22, 2011

interesting :0

11:15AM PST on Feb 22, 2011

wow, nice article.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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