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Ask the Loveologist: Exploring Adult Content

Ask the Loveologist: Exploring Adult Content

My boyfriend has been asking me to watch some pornographic films with him. He says they are entertaining and could give us some new ideas. I have only seen short scenes of mostly genitals and it really does nothing for me. There are so many movies out there, how can you possibly know which ones are worth watching? Any good sites that provide reliable reviews?

You are right that the sheer volume of films being released every year can be overwhelming; some estimate there are 11,000 new releases per year. Many films are produced with very little budget and several online sites have free-streaming videos to choose from. More than 15 percent of all web traffic is porn related so you don’t have to look far. Most of these free films have no story line or intrigue to speak of; they are just filmed voyeurism of sexual acts and close-up shots of sexual organs. That said, there is also an amazing amount of variety and niche film production, so if you approach your search with a little bit of patience and intelligent consumerism, you can probably find something that works for you and your partner. Keep in mind, when it comes to this genre of entertainment, finding a film with a just a few interesting scenes should be considered a win.

First, consider what kind of sex you want to see, because the industry is categorized by sexual orientation and type of sexual acts being performed, although increasingly most films show some or all kinds of penetration. Except for bi-sexual orientation films, porn films rarely mix up the couple gender orientation. Back in the 1970′s and 1980′s pornographic films had more plot and sequence. The vast majority of adult movies involve penetration (vaginal, anal, or both), oral sex, and a small amount of what might be considered foreplay.

The well-known “Behind the Green Door” starring the late Marilyn Chambers, is a good example of a story that could take months to watch. One way to rate the value of a erotica is how many scenes it takes you to turn it off. Classic old pornography like “Deep Throat” opened America up to illicit material in the 70′s and woke up the fantasy mechanism of the nation. Films that have storylines that stay with you long after you turn the film off, once defined this film category.

Most of the pornographic production today would not be memorable in this way the day after you watch it. In some ways, this cut to the act without any foreplay or storyline reflects our cultural treatment of sexuality, which is damaging for many relationships.

Candace Royalle, former porn star, was the first woman to make films for women from a woman’s perspective. Her company Femme Productions offers a wide range of storyline films to consider.

Another way to investigate sexuality through film is to consider an educational pursuit. Mark Schoen, a film director for more than 30 years has compiled the most exhaustive collection of instructional films ever made. The range of films available at www.sexsmartfilms.com include some of the oldest sex education films, rare footage of orgasmic potential and step-by-step sexual therapy exercises that help you learn to be focused in your body. Some of the free material provides a glimpse into other culture’s views on sexuality, which is a helpful reflection on one’s own sexual practices.

I think the best way to approach the viewing of explicit material is as an education, which allows you to widen your frame of reference about human sexuality in general and helps you discover more of your relationship. Keep the remote nearby and use it to pause and talk about what you see or feel free to fast-forward. Erotica has helped many a couple to open up their conversation about their sexuality and provide some new ideas and techniques to their sexual practice. Choosing films that can enhance your comfort and understanding of this most mysterious form of human behavior can both enlighten and inspire relationships.

Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Health, Love, Relationships, Sex

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

85 comments

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4:42PM PDT on Apr 12, 2013

Most of the erotica I watch has have humor in it, because if you think the Divine doesn't laugh at the faces and noises we make during sex then you don't think the Divine has a sense of humor.

4:31AM PDT on May 15, 2011

As a human sex is one of the needs that is really important in our life and I think we should enjoy it.You mentioned that your boy friend wanted to watch a porno movie with you that means he wanted to make love with you.But I like your approach that you gently refused him and every one should like you.
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11:55AM PST on Nov 28, 2010

I concur that the danger in this particular suggestion is that the writer of the letter is reluctant and feels pressure.

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5:17AM PDT on Aug 11, 2010

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9:08AM PDT on Aug 4, 2010

I found the subject is very educated here and there some comment are also good to know. I applaused and will talk to may lady to teach her to understand better about sex education. Thanks for all this.

12:51AM PDT on Jun 4, 2010

@Alice VS: "Plenty of smokers live to a good age with no health problems, too, good for them. But you wouldn't see an article about the joys of smoking without a caveat about its dangers."

I believe that this is an invalid analogy, Alice. There's a big difference between living a long life *because* of some activity, and living a long life *in spite of* some activity. There are absolutely NO scientific studies that say that smoking tends to make one to live longer, but there are many studies that say that an active sex life does so. There is nothing inherent in porn that makes it addictive, unlike smoking, or shooting heroin, or snorting cocaine, etc. Yes, some people may become addicted, but they most likely have personality traits that would make them liable to get addicted to ANYTHING.

I agree with Ms. Strgar here, that it is possible that the right kind of porn watched together can actually enhance a relationship. But that's not going to happen by insisting that your partner do something they don't want to do. So I wouldn't dream of nagging my partner into watching porn, or doing anything else, either. I respect her too much for that. But watching porn every now and then is not "cheating" on anyone. If you really think it is, then maybe you have some self esteem issues to work on. You're deluding yourself, if you think you're the only one your partner can see as attractive.

5:35PM PDT on May 16, 2010

This is an awesome topic. All i can say that you need to be very clear on the topic with your boi. Ain't you are child or mad. So before indulging any inevitable condition think about it precisely. Regards Hear Aid

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