Loving Without Control
The key stances of letting go of control are all forms of allowing: Acceptance, tolerance, non-resistance. When control is ready to loosen its grip, a definite relaxation takes place. The faηade of the demanding, critical partner who is so quick to blame begins to melt. You start to feel love once more, not as an idea but as a sensation in your heart. And at last you find it possible to allow.
When this stage is reached with the beloved, the healing process begins to branch out into other aspects of your life. The following changes will often be in evidence:
You stop measuring people by whether they live up to your expectations. You begin to resist the urge to correct their mistakes and give unwanted advice.
You lessen your habit of taking care of others without really caring for them.
You become tired of trying to keep track of every detail of your life and bored with people who have always given in to you.
You begin to listen to objections and disagreements instead of using them to trigger your own opinion.
Unexpected emotions come to the surface. This usually arouses self-criticism because you cant control your feelings anymore as you once did. At another level, however, this eruption of emotions comes as a great relief.
Your impatience begins to lessen.
You take stress seriously, no longer believing that you thrive on it.
You begin to listen to your body, which has all along been giving you signals of tightness, fatigue, etc.
Your mind gives up calculating every move in advance.
You stop holding grudges and remembering slights. Resentment begins to be replaced by tolerance.
You quit setting external goals for yourself and believing that achieving these goals faster, better, and more tirelessly makes you a good person.
How can you love without need? Know the difference between ego and spirit.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).