Make Your Home or Office More Harmonious

We choose our friends but we can’t always choose who we live or work with. As a result, you may spend many hours a day with people you do not get along with. So, how can you make your home or workplace somewhere that is more pleasant, peaceful, and caring for one another?

Certainly you can do things that are simple yet effective, like buying flowers or sharing fresh fruit. We know some businesses start each meeting with three minutes of silence, in order to create a psychological break between activities. This can also be applied at home, as it is a brilliant way to bring people together on the same page. But often difficulties go deeper, especially if it feels like someone has it in for you, and even more so if the offender is your parent or boss.

We were teaching a week retreat in an old vicarage in the countryside of County Wicklow, Ireland. A beautiful place, yet many of the participants had difficulties they were dealing with. In particular, Helen told us that she had a very critical, angry boss, Mary, who would walk in each day and immediately begin to find fault with everything Helen did: the way she was dressed, the way her hair was, that she was always late (which she wasn’t) and so on. Helen was becoming a nervous wreck, feeling inadequate and shameful, as well as developing a real bitterness toward her boss. She wanted to leave, but jobs were hard to find in her area.

At the retreat we taught Helen how to develop greater objectivity towards Mary. We reversed roles so that Helen could see she was actually being very self-centered, as many of us are, by presuming it was all about her. She had immediately assumed that she must have done something wrong, as Mary did not seem to like her. She was then able to see that that, instead, Mary might be unhappy or facing her own problems and taking it out on Helen.

It was very important for Helen to go beyond thinking of herself as the cause and to see the bigger picture, even to realize that it probably had nothing to do with her at all. This was a profound insight. She was then able to practice a meditation we taught her to cultivate kindness. This helped Helen develop more self-confidence, and a greater sense of connectivity with others so she didn’t take things so personally. It gave her greater objectivity, awareness and freedom, which also led her to a deeper understanding of Mary, and even compassion for her.

After the retreat was over and Helen was back at work, she happily wrote to tell us what had happened. She had been focusing her kindness meditation on Mary and had begun to perceive what an unhappy and sad woman her boss really was beneath her tough exterior. Helen watched her moving and talking to people and saw the loneliness in her body language, sensing sadness in her voice. Each time Mary approached her, Helen would silently direct toward Mary, ‘May you be well, may you be happy, may you be peaceful,’ while sending her boss thoughts of care and compassion. This not only lowered her own stress response but also balanced her reactive feelings.

Helen saw the reality of this other woman’s unhappiness, and how all the criticism and anger appeared to be due to her own issues, rather than anything that Helen had done. Meditation cleared her mind and opened her heart so that she was no longer giving her power away but was able to stay steady within herself. No longer absorbing the criticisms, Helen could talk to her boss quite fearlessly.

Next: Kindness Meditation

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Emma S.

3:12AM PST on Nov 10, 2011

I'm self-employed, so I have a very strange relationship with my 'boss'!

send a green star

Kerrie G.

11:38PM PDT on Jul 12, 2010

Great article...well worth thinking about!

SL L.

11:52PM PDT on Jul 3, 2010

interesting article

William J.

9:57AM PDT on Jul 3, 2010

Very practical article with great information. Especially good for those just entering the workforce and for those just starting their own business. You can't beat positive energy with good balance and harmony! Thanks!
As an interior designer, I have embraced many of your suggestions and it has made my life at the office one of joy and comfort. Thanks for the reminder.
Pharmacy Mart
williamsjohn333

rebecca p.

11:15AM PDT on Jun 30, 2010

good to know

Kathy K.

6:54PM PDT on Jun 29, 2010

Thanks.

Pamela H.

4:16PM PDT on Jun 29, 2010

I was in a similar position some years ago when the 2IC was sarcastically patronising toward me and treated me like some ignorant schoolkid. I was the mother of three children. Her problem was that she thought I was after her position. To me, the job was just a fill-in until I found something better. I reported her ongoing behaviour to the manager but then discovered the two were best buddies who then ganged up on me. I told the 2IC I didn't want to take her job from her, but a leopard doesn't change it's spots. In the end I left and found more suitable work closer to home.

3:53PM PDT on Jun 29, 2010

So you're basically saying to turn the other cheek? That didn't help a fellow we all know who lived 2000 years ago.
Did it stop Mary from bullying Helen? There are authorities that deal with that sort of thing these days.
People like Mary get drunk with power, especially when they know jobs are scarce. It also says a lot about what's in her heart, probably a stone. If there're no jobs in that town I'd move to another town, simple.

nobo d.

2:47PM PDT on Jun 29, 2010

thanks

Adrian T.

1:59PM PDT on Jun 29, 2010

I have never had a problem caused by asking a co-worker if they're OK or how they're doing regardless of their company status compared to mine. I don't ask unless I can be genuine in my concern and really want to hear what they're saying. If they say, "I'm fine" or something like that, I don't push, I just tell them I thought they looked a little tired/stressed - whatever seems appropriate - and that I'd been concerned. I make it all about them and what they want or need, and keep my ego out of it. If they talk, I listen in a way they know I'm really paying attention and care about them, but I NEVER offer advice. At most I'll listen to what they're considering and say something like "that sounds reasonable/interesting. Have you considered 'x' as well?" so they solve the problem themselves. which empowers them, and keeps me from being responsible for their decision. And it all comes from setting aside the focus on 'me' and being as loving, compassionate, and focused on them as I can be. You get peace and happiness when you give them away with both hands.