You might or may not recall, I have these pants. They are my only pants because… well, mostly because I’m hard-headed. You can go read the other story if you want the long version but the short version is that I put on extra weight and refused to buy more pants at this size. Then, the zipper broke on my other pair of pants and now I have just these.
I realized that if these are going to be my only pants until the rest of my pants will fit, I’m going to have to get serious about letting go of this weight. I mean, come on… how long can a pair of even the finest blue jeans last when you’re wearing them every single day? I work in them. I watch soccer games in them. I hike in them. Thank goodness, I don’t do yoga in them but I will need to get my butt in the flower beds this week to pull some weeds and guess what I will be wearing? Yes, my pants.
Recently, my pants and I went roller skating. The offspring were out of school and things get sort of hairy around here when any of my family members don’t have school (my wife is a student, too). It’s when I try to be all of the regular things (life coach, business owner, writer, mother, wife, self, etc.) and fun, too. This time, it meant roller skating.
Oh, how I loved skating when I was a girl. It felt like dancing, which I not-so-secretly still long to do. It was ridiculously social, which I’d completely forgotten until I noticed my children “hanging out” more than skating during this recent outing. And even then, it was exercise. A quality that I took for granted then and I realize that now.
It was also just a pleasure to be out of the house and on that count, not much has changed.
When I was first upright (on wheels), I couldn’t help but scroll through the possible outcomes… clearly, the worst of which is going down. This possibility has somehow become and even more haunting possibility because my children have reached that age where my brush with death at the skating rink, would primarily be about how uncool my fall made them look.
I really didn’t want to fall, especially with the extra weight. Everything seems worse with extra weight and most horrifying of all is going down. You can pretend it’s not true but we both know that it is.
Falling was certainly my biggest fear, at first.
That was until I realized that if I fell, I might break my pants. I can’t afford to break my pants. Try as I might, I’m just not yet back into my smaller pants. This awareness, of course, nearly stopped me in my tracks. I almost bailed. I can’t be without pants… who takes those kinds of chances?
Luckily, I never did learn how to stop myself on roller skates.
So I went for it, slow and steady at first but soon I was actually rocking it. I totally… didn’t suck. My heart was racing and I even got a little sweaty. What is it we call that? Oh yeah, progress! I even remembered that two hours worth of laps around an apparently recently waxed skating rink, if it didn’t kill me, would bring me that much closer to slipping with ease into the rest of my pants.
Being active at 36 years of age, with extra pounds, is hard. It’s hard on my joints and my muscles and probably most of all, my ego. I can safely say that it is not my nature to run and climb and leap about… actually, wait.
Correction: It sure hell wasn’t my nature. It never ever has been. But, you know what? I’m convinced, for the first time in my life, that my “nature” is whatever I want it to be.
I chose that it was absolutely my nature to roller skate for the better part of 2 hours. Today, I am going to choose that it is my nature to do one of those yoga videos gathering dust in my media cabinet and tomorrow, it will be my nature to go across the street and hike that trail I love so much.
Once a week, it is my nature to drive 45-minutes into town for a Kundalini Yoga class. And even though it often makes whole body shake with insecurity, it is my nature to keep doing it anyway because I know that eventually it won’t be that way.
Things are changing, not much on the scale yet but in my body. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I’m eating more living things, and drinking more water. I feel myself changing from the inside out… which is obviously the only way it every really works anyway.