Marriage Beyond Monogamy

I just finished reading Christopher Ryan’s Sex at Dawn for the second time, which makes the case that, at our core, we humans are not monogamous creatures. Many people are giving Mr. Ryan credit for making it safe for people to talk about monogamy, polyamory and open marriage in public, and he certainly did deliver the opening salvo.

But I am thinking that it is the disclosure of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife, and the defensive embarrassment of the conservative Republican Presidential hopeful that has really taken this conversation to the center of the stage.

It is obvious that Newt has had some difficulty with long term monogamy. He has had several wives and affairs. Even if the disclosure from his ex-wife in regard to his request for an “open marriage” was not true, he certainly was playing outside the confines of a traditional monogamous marriage. Some might even say that he was “cheating” with his now current wife before he was divorced. We can point fingers at Newt if we wish, but we know the truth. Newt has a lot of company out there in the land of sexual infidelity. Shall I mention Kennedy here, or Clinton? Or is it your best friend, your neighbor or you?

Monogamy is a societal concept that many would say has been imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I lived in a completely monogamous marriage for 23 years, and then I needed more. But for me, it was too big a leap from being completely monogamous to having an open marriage or polyamorous lifestyle. My husband and I were never going to be “swingers” either.

So how do I have more and stay married? That is when I embraced a new definition of marital sex, which some of us call being “monogamish.”

My memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner, is all about the beginning of my journey on that path. And as I have traveled further down the path of the brave new marriage with my husband, there are so many conversations in the sex positive community about what we each mean by all of these labels and terms. We all don’t agree on the definitions of anything.

1 of 3

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

LMj S.

9:35PM PDT on Mar 22, 2012

very interesting!

send a green star

9:34PM PDT on Mar 22, 2012

Cassandra H.

8:29AM PDT on Mar 21, 2012

@James T. - while jealousy can be a normal part of life (though it isn't for everyone) how a person deals with jealousy makes a huge difference. Just like anger, insecurity, etc... can be dealt with in a healthy way, so too can jealousy. Even in a monogamous context, jealousy can happen and often can destroy relationships. I've seen couples who were so jealous they couldn't handle their partner having friends of the opposite sex. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner let their jealousy rule them, whether it was monogamous or open.
That having been said, not everyone gets jealous. Long before I had even heard of open relationships, I wasn't the type to get jealous. I found out that my monogamous boyfriend had fallen for someone else and I was genuinely happy for him (and her.) I've always felt that caring for/loving someone meant that I should be happy for them if their happy, even if I'm not the one making them happy. I've never had a problem seeing my exes with someone else. Once I "discovered" open relationships, I knew it was a right fit for me. I've always fit into this style of relationship and never been jealous over seeing my partner(s) with someone else.
That having been said

James T.

6:17AM PDT on Mar 21, 2012

For me there are several issues with an expanded monogamy relationship, not the least of which is that I don't like condoms. I do understand the attraction and indeed my relationship is an open one but I rather prefer role playing which can be the best of both worlds. I would also point out that jealousy is part of human nature and no matter how enlightened a person is it has the potential to rear it's ugly head.

Charli S.

9:38AM PDT on Mar 19, 2012

Maybe lumping ALL people into one group or another is the problem. My husband and I are BOTH Monogamous. Perhaps because we both were married to cheaters and didn't cheat. I told my husband when I got sick that if he needed to find sexual release elsewhere I didn't have a problem with it but he seems content to live just with me. I have no objection to adding another person to our marriage (for him not me as he is all I want) yet again we both seem content with each other. l wonder if there weren't so many rules about marriage if others might not fare better. My concern is for the well belong of my partner/husband and his seems to be the well being of me.

mary t.

10:07AM PDT on Mar 18, 2012

marriage is not a bond that links two people together for life. It's a legal documentation that says you will file taxes differently than when you were "single."

Monogomy or polygamy, to each his own on that one. What I don't understand is why so much emphasis is placed on a legal ceremony that happens once and does not by any means define or determine your relationship. Would you consider yourself married if you simply just gathered together with friends and proclaimed yourself married, or do you actually need the entire ordeal with an ordained minister and legal papers? Or what about people who spend 30, 40, 50+ years together who've never had a wedding or been officially married, like all the gay couples in this country that are STILL not given the right to get married?

whatever, I'm soap-boxing now... I just don't think you can determine how your life is going to play out and you always need to be open. Even if you remain monogamous, you need to accept that feelings change, you can't control hormones, and you don't know everything. So be opened. Expect everything.

Dior H.

3:40PM PDT on Mar 12, 2012

Click to buy cheap viagra

12:58PM PDT on Mar 11, 2012

@Amber B - Ironically. your argument makes no sense to me. You make no validation for the idea that you can't love more than one person at a time or that love is invalidated by sleeping with someone else. For me, I love my husband too much to want him to "forsake all others". He loves more than just me and *because* I love him, I want to see him happy, even if that means other people making him happy. He feels the same towards me. We don't feel betrayed or unloved because we love other people. In fact, for us, it is quite the opposite.
Monogamy works for plenty of people. Ethical non-monogamy works for plenty of people. Neither is better than the other. What I don't get is how people like you think that the whole world should operate by your personal choices of what is best for you. Monogamy is unsatisfying for me. Trying to pretend that I don't love more than one person made me miserable. Meeting someone new who I connected with, knowing that my partner would be jealous and upset over this always made me miserable. On the other hand, one I started in polyamory, I never had to lie or keep away from people who I connected with. Instead of jealousy and hurt, my partners were happy for me. Our love was celebrated and enjoyed and allowed to grow to its fullest extent. This is what works for me, my husband and those we love. Why is that a bad thing?

Amber B.

12:31PM PDT on Mar 11, 2012

I truly will never understand what problem the world sees with monogamy. I have the person I want to be with forever and I could never imagine loving or being with anyone else.
I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world to make a commitment to one person and grow with that person for the rest of your life. I just don't see why people don't see that.

If you want to be with other people and not just one person your whole life, why get married? marriage is to link 2 people together for life. a commitment that should never be broken, yet is broken all too often. it is just so sad to see that so few people respect love and marriage anymore.

if you can go off and sleep with someone when you're COMMITTED to someone else, you don't love them. I'm sorry you can argue that all you'd like, but your argument won't make any sense. sex is a bond that you can't break. and to give that much of yourself to one person while also giving it to someone else, does not imply love in any way.

Jane B.

10:48PM PST on Mar 9, 2012

Monogamy doesn't work and open marriages don't work either. I don't understand how infidelity pans out when people have children. Do they have to sneak around and keep this secret? That seems like a lot of work and not really worth it. No good can come of it, especially if there are national scandals. Sex is not addicting, some people are just hornier than others. There's nothing wrong with that. Horny people shouldn't get married and make false promises. It's not about what people do, it's the lying about it. People need to strive toward honesty and integrity and stop lying and cheating and stealing. There was nothing wrong with John Edwards banging the young blonde if only he had waited until his wife died.
He owed that to Elizabeth because she devoted her whole life to him and died for him. It's
a matter of integrity. He stole her precious time on earth and embarrassed her before the world. When I saw her on TV, I saw the pain in her eyes and I cried.