http://www.care2.com/greenliving/momblocking.html
Momblocking
As a father who has been known to lift a finger here and there, browsing through mainstream parenting magazines is a harsh lesson in marginalization and, possibly, an act of spiritual masochism. More often than not, if a magazine or media outlet claims the parenting demographic as its own, you should be assured that they are not talking to fathers. The media expectations are routinely so minimal and pitiful when it comes to paternal involvement in raising a child, that frequently articles referencing fathers/husbands are geared primarily towards how to get the slovenly padre off the couch and into the duty of parenting. I, being an unusually involved parent, particularly take offense at the articles aimed at mothers/wives that are primers to manipulate feckless husbands into performing chores and duties that are implicit in the role of parenting. They are cynical, and lower expectations all around.
But in all fairness, fathers have done a great deal in the past (or very little, depending on how you look at it) to perpetuate this idea of the disengaged parent, unloading the bulk of parental responsibilities on beleaguered mothers. Fortunately, this era of lame dads is seeing its logical end, with more and more fathers taking a joint role, if not a primary one, in raising their children. Sure, there are still slacker dads, who are all but absent or useless when it comes to the day-to-day parenting, but I would like to think that they, like the cold war and pay phones, are on their way out, and the mainstream media should be alerted.
A few months back, the New York Times ran a reasonably progressive-minded story about the trend of “co-parenting” with moms and dads taking equal share of the responsibility, and more recently Parenting magazine published a potentially polarizing article asking right in the title, Why Good Dads Make Mom Jealous. While I read both of these articles, the latter piece about parental jealousy piqued my interest, as it portrays the fun, improvisational dad, as engaging in a form of “momblocking,” and inadvertently making mothers seem dull and ineffectual. Again, this piece takes the tone, that as much as dad is doing right by the kids, his enthusiasm and creativity are upsetting the balance of power, and revealing a dormant competition between parents. As one mom interviewed in the article laments, “For some moms, like me, what hurts is a deep-seated notion that we should be better parents than our spouses–more instinctive, more inventive, more in tune with our kids’ needs.”
Now it goes without saying that half the parents in this country are fathers (do the math) and there has been a documented increase in the amount of time fathers are now spending with their children, as compared to decades ago. I have my definite opinions on this concept of “momblocking” and the larger, more troubling, issue of maintaining low paternal expectations, but I was curious what your thoughts were on this matter? Are the majority of these super fathers making a concerted effort to parent thoughtfully, and genuinely, or are they subverting the dominant paradigm and passive aggressively parenting? Is it possible to co-parent in harmony, or does someone have to be the boss? Does the media get it right with these portrayals of contemporary moms and dads, or are they hopelessly out of touch?
I know you are out there?
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.
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11 comments
add your comment »It's great to see examples of an involved dad; I was raised by a single mother (she never told my father about me because they were a one-night stand), and most of the men in my family are dead so I never had a strong male influence around me. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm amazed at how supportive my partner is; he's extremely excited about the baby because he thought he could never have kids. He's been doing everything for me and is already even talking to my stomach (we found out three days ago). Not seeing a supportive relationship growing up, it's been weird for me to see him so excited. I hope his fervor lasts through all the late night feeding and diaper changing!
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cont.. if the case is that the mother is not embracing her obligations to her children and making poor choices. Parents should work as a team and have mutual respect for one another despite their differences, but in the case of boss or no boss? Yes, MOM is the boss.
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I found this article to be very interesting for many reasons. First, I would like to congratulate all pro active fathers for doing their job. My opinion is that mother's are designed to be the primary parent for their children. Having said that doesn't imply that all mothers are "good" mothers. Just that we are genetically designed to provide our children with all of their needs. I definitely believe that as a team both parents should parent their children, but I do believe that a good mother should be the "boss" of the children. The relationship between mother and child starts in the womb, women are designed to have and nurture their children, etc. Like most circumstances of life, there always has to be a leader/boss to maintain a sense of order. In my home I am the primary ,and really the only good parent being that my husband lacks the quality of a good head on his shoulders for a lack of better expressions. So, I expect him to help me with the children, but under my circumstances. If he wants to expose my children to "things" that contradict my values/principles I expect him to follow my lead despite his desires. I'm not a tyrant though, at the same time, he is the boss of our income. He is the only one who contributes to our income, and as long our livelihood is not at stake, all expenditures are at his discretion. My position is one of mutual respect. You do what you do well and let me do what I was made to do. Yes, the roles can be reversed in certain situa
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Great to see good fathering being acknowledged!
Speaking as a dad who did most of the care until she left, children love an involved dad, and benefit enormously from it, even if that dad is in another house a little way away. Not the other end of the country as our child is now.
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What a relief. I've been a SAHD since 1997. It was simple economics: mom had the bigger paycheck and as a teacher was likely to keep it while I did not. That said, I recall--and have journals with war-stories--many a situation where I as the lone Dad in a Mom's world had to put up with all manner of discriminatory behavior and outright hostility from women. But more frustrating for me was the rare linkup to a SAHD's group that was nothing more than a multilevel marketing scheme front group--really set me off!
Still, I get why women are annoyed with SAHD's, doubt our effectiveness and sincerity, etc. There's a boatload of history that hangs around every SAHD's neck, even though we didn't do anything to earn it. My biggest challenge--and if I could have a do over I'd jump at the chance--was that as a SAHD I had to reinvent the wheel. As a male, even a hypo-masculine one (I'm more "female" than most men can tolerate...ugh), I found that I just didn't parent like the mainstream wanted me to. I was often edgier than many risk-averse parents (progressive or mainstream) preferred and I doubted nearly everything I did (I now believe I shouldn't have). As our kids began to manifest attention-difference I was sure everyone would attribute this to my defective male parenting style. And many have, of course. But I learned genetics had more to do with that than my "Dadness." Schools still don't know quite how to deal with me and call my wife first. We have a long way to go
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Thank you Eric. Parenting magazine is the worst defender of assuming their audience is stay-at-home Moms, regardless of their name. Ironically, Mothering magazine, whose name singles out Moms, is more inclusive of fathers. . . and does not point the finger at the lames one, just commends the involved ones.
And thanks for your thoughtful response to Elissa's comment. I do hope you take on the topic of non-traditional family's one of these days. Perhaps addressing how such families are being considered in classrooms and other community settings -- urban and otherwise. I'd be interested to know just how far our country has come in becoming inclusive.
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Thank you everyone for your comments. I wanted to respond directly to Elissa Weindling, and say that I appreciate the issues you have brought up. I wanted to address a few of your excellent points:
First, when I had that half the parents in this country are fathers, I think I was being semi-accurate (plus or minus a few percentage points). Whether you are a father by biology, or a father by elective choice (this includes fathers in gay partnerships, as well as fathers who accept the responsibility of parenthood without being biologically related to the child) you are a parent. There are many mothers who are raising their children on their own, with the help of friends and family, or with a partner in a lesbian union, and I believe I took this into account when coming up with my roundabout "half" figure. I apologize for not mentioning this in my piece, but I felt this piece was a rejoinder to the previous piece in Parenting magazine that made this (at least in subtext) a gender issue between parents.
On your second point about how parenting media tends to ignore non-traditional families (I would say this includes not only gay and lesbian parents, but grandparents who are raising children, as well as single parents) I could not agree more, and this may be fodder for an upcoming post/rant, but I didn't want to dilute my point by deviating from the initial point of mom jealousy around the performance of the father.
Thanks again for bringing up these issues.
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Bravo Eric and George! I hope the trend to more involved paternal parenting gains momentum. Granted, by virtue of gender, we handle things differently sometimes, but parents presenting a 'united front' seems to me the most important factor.
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Bravo! The media doesn't hesitate to jump on deadbeat dads. But when it comes to deadbeat moms; mums the word. They do exist, and in greater numbers than anyone wants to admit to.
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The roll of women hae changed. Most now work to provide to income need to keep up with the American lifestyle. This means there needs to be a dialoge on who has responsibility for what in the family unit. Since mommy works daddy has to help in the home. This is no longer 1900.
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