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Non-Monogamy: Do Open Relationships Work?

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Non-Monogamy: Do Open Relationships Work?

By Polly Parker, DivineCaroline

Non-monogamy is about one thing–sex. And sex is good. And sex with different people–either concurrently or over the course of a lifetime–is good too. Sex is so good that some people are addicted to it. Sex makes people do crazy things and it makes people feel amazing things. I love it just as much as anyone else, but there is more to life than sex.

I am pretty sure that the words on your deathbed won’t be “I wish I had had more sex with more people.” Maybe if you are a pervert, or if you didn’t get much action in your life, you would say that, but most people wouldn’t. Most people would say that they would have spent more time with their families, or that they wished they had worked less. They want more time with their wives, or they regret not pursuing a dream. Unless someone is being a smartass on his deathbed, he’s not going to even think about sex when his number’s up.

I live in San Francisco. Non-monogamy (or polyamory as it is called here) is a big topic in the city. Out here, everybody’s doing it. And if everyone is doing it here, then it’s probably already in or coming to a town near you.

Here’s the definition of monogamy:

NOUN:
1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime 2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time 3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

Notice anything? Right off the bat, Webster’s is linking monogamy to marriage, and they should, because monogamy comes from monos (alone, single) + gamos (marriage). Monogamy used to be about being with one person forever, and now it’s been updated to mean the state or “custom” of being married to one person at a time. The logical opposite of monogamy is polygamy, being married to more than one person at a time, and not very many people (publicly) support that.

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DivineCaroline

At DivineCaroline.com, women come together to learn from experts in the fields, of health, sustainability, and culture; to reflect on shared experiences; and to express themselves by writing and publishing stories about anything that matters to them. Here, real women publish like real pros. Together, with our staff writers, they’re discussing all facets of women’s lives from relationships and careers, to travel and healthy living. So come discover, read, learn, laugh and connect at DivineCaroline.com.

914 comments

+ add your own
8:57AM PDT on May 24, 2015

Thank you.

12:18PM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

This author has a fairy tale/Hollywood idea of what love is, and a very "icky-poo" type of ignorance about what non-monogamy is about. Think monogamous relationships take "work"? My non-monogamous relationships take a hell of a lot more work, honesty and open-ness than shackling myself to a single partner would. Also, it's not "all about sex" for every non-monogamous person. Monogamy does not work, the divorce and "cheating" statistics bear that out. Non-monogamy works, provided the right people get together, it's consensual from all sides, and there's open-ness and honesty (and no issues like jealousy or silly illusions like the author seems to have). And yes, it's worked for many years, it's real, it's about love and not just screwing, and it's absolutely beautiful.

11:46AM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

I also can't imagine the author getting paid for this aritcle; it's not an article about non-monogamy, it's a lost and confused person making a ton of illogical causal arguments to lead to erroneous conclusions. Such as her delusional equation that sex = love. This is not true!

Someone in the comments (Abby H.) said "why so defensive?..why attack her viewpoint?" I'll tell you why: She is misprepresenting ME as a non-monogamous person. She is building a "paper tiger" of false statements and illogic to then triumph over. Just about 75% of the crap she says about how love equals sex or that non monogamy is what keeps relationships together and the way she ATTACKS it with statements like:


“Non monogamy is about one thing - sex.” - Completely missing the point. Sex is the thing insecure little girls focus on because they are worried about sharing (and losing) something good if they find it. Sex for someone who is practicing LOVE is simply a way to express love. Like a kiss, a hug, praise, a backrub, a poem, attention and focus. Sex is attention and focus on mutual/personal/partner(s) pleasure. Sex can also be on the other end of the spectrum simply a way to pass your DNA on to the future. Sex is what you make it; the author of this article has made it (or rather has subscribed to the predominate culture’s stance) as a taboo, something both precious and sacred yet also profane. (“...getting dirty…”, “...Rob’s Herpes..” ←- T

11:46AM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

I also can't imagine the author getting paid for this aritcle; it's not an article about non-monogamy, it's a lost and confused person making a ton of illogical causal arguments to lead to erroneous conclusions. Such as her delusional equation that sex = love. This is not true!

Someone in the comments (Abby H.) said "why so defensive?..why attack her viewpoint?" I'll tell you why: She is misprepresenting ME as a non-monogamous person. She is building a "paper tiger" of false statements and illogic to then triumph over. Just about 75% of the crap she says about how love equals sex or that non monogamy is what keeps relationships together and the way she ATTACKS it with statements like:


“Non monogamy is about one thing - sex.” - Completely missing the point. Sex is the thing insecure little girls focus on because they are worried about sharing (and losing) something good if they find it. Sex for someone who is practicing LOVE is simply a way to express love. Like a kiss, a hug, praise, a backrub, a poem, attention and focus. Sex is attention and focus on mutual/personal/partner(s) pleasure. Sex can also be on the other end of the spectrum simply a way to pass your DNA on to the future. Sex is what you make it; the author of this article has made it (or rather has subscribed to the predominate culture’s stance) as a taboo, something both precious and sacred yet also profane. (“...getting dirty…”, “...Rob’s Herpes..” ←- T

11:45AM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

I also can't imagine the author getting paid for this aritcle; it's not an article about non-monogamy, it's a lost and confused person making a ton of illogical causal arguments to lead to erroneous conclusions. Such as her delusional equation that sex = love. This is not true!

Someone in the comments (Abby H.) said "why so defensive?..why attack her viewpoint?" I'll tell you why: She is misprepresenting ME as a non-monogamous person. She is building a "paper tiger" of false statements and illogic to then triumph over. Just about 75% of the crap she says about how love equals sex or that non monogamy is what keeps relationships together and the way she ATTACKS it with statements like:


“Non monogamy is about one thing - sex.” - Completely missing the point. Sex is the thing insecure little girls focus on because they are worried about sharing (and losing) something good if they find it. Sex for someone who is practicing LOVE is simply a way to express love. Like a kiss, a hug, praise, a backrub, a poem, attention and focus. Sex is attention and focus on mutual/personal/partner(s) pleasure. Sex can also be on the other end of the spectrum simply a way to pass your DNA on to the future. Sex is what you make it; the author of this article has made it (or rather has subscribed to the predominate culture’s stance) as a taboo, something both precious and sacred yet also profane. (“...getting dirty…”, “...Rob’s Herpes..” ←- T

11:45AM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

I also can't imagine the author getting paid for this aritcle; it's not an article about non-monogamy, it's a lost and confused person making a ton of illogical causal arguments to lead to erroneous conclusions. Such as her delusional equation that sex = love. This is not true!

Someone in the comments (Abby H.) said "why so defensive?..why attack her viewpoint?" I'll tell you why: She is misprepresenting ME as a non-monogamous person. She is building a "paper tiger" of false statements and illogic to then triumph over. Just about 75% of the crap she says about how love equals sex or that non monogamy is what keeps relationships together and the way she ATTACKS it with statements like:


“Non monogamy is about one thing - sex.” - Completely missing the point. Sex is the thing insecure little girls focus on because they are worried about sharing (and losing) something good if they find it. Sex for someone who is practicing LOVE is simply a way to express love. Like a kiss, a hug, praise, a backrub, a poem, attention and focus. Sex is attention and focus on mutual/personal/partner(s) pleasure. Sex can also be on the other end of the spectrum simply a way to pass your DNA on to the future. Sex is what you make it; the author of this article has made it (or rather has subscribed to the predominate culture’s stance) as a taboo, something both precious and sacred yet also profane. (“...getting dirty…”, “...Rob’s Herpes..” ←- T

10:54AM PDT on Apr 4, 2015

The author lost all credibility with their opening line: "Non-monogamy is about one thing–sex."

Obviously, that is projection and what non-monogamy is about for the author. The fact that the author is sex driven, sex obsessed and has issues with possessiveness and insecurity colors the article quite subtly, yet unfortunately I would rather read an article which understands non-monogamy from more than one perspective.

Since life and love after all, are all about this multitude of perspectives and realizing that reality does not revolve around just YOU.

12:56PM PDT on Mar 30, 2015

Thank you.

10:43PM PST on Mar 3, 2015

I feel very lucky and blessed that Priest Andrew was able to turn our marriage around like this with his spell. My husband used to spend as much time as he could away from home with other women. Since he cast the love spell on him, My husband is now so in love with me and its so funny that my husband had not go out for weeks now. His contact is priestandrew91@yahoo.com if you ever need his help.

3:01PM PST on Feb 8, 2015

GET RID OF THESE KINDS OF SPAMMERS who seem to be ATTRACTED to anything having to do with Sex!!! These posts may introduce MALWARE into the computers of those who respond to them....

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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