Non-Monogamy: Do Open Relationships Work?

By Polly Parker, DivineCaroline

Non-monogamy is about one thing–sex. And sex is good. And sex with different people–either concurrently or over the course of a lifetime–is good too. Sex is so good that some people are addicted to it. Sex makes people do crazy things and it makes people feel amazing things. I love it just as much as anyone else, but there is more to life than sex.

I am pretty sure that the words on your deathbed won’t be “I wish I had had more sex with more people.” Maybe if you are a pervert, or if you didn’t get much action in your life, you would say that, but most people wouldn’t. Most people would say that they would have spent more time with their families, or that they wished they had worked less. They want more time with their wives, or they regret not pursuing a dream. Unless someone is being a smartass on his deathbed, he’s not going to even think about sex when his number’s up.

I live in San Francisco. Non-monogamy (or polyamory as it is called here) is a big topic in the city. Out here, everybody’s doing it. And if everyone is doing it here, then it’s probably already in or coming to a town near you.

Here’s the definition of monogamy:

NOUN:
1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime 2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time 3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

Notice anything? Right off the bat, Webster’s is linking monogamy to marriage, and they should, because monogamy comes from monos (alone, single) + gamos (marriage). Monogamy used to be about being with one person forever, and now it’s been updated to mean the state or “custom” of being married to one person at a time. The logical opposite of monogamy is polygamy, being married to more than one person at a time, and not very many people (publicly) support that.

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Read more: Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, monogomy, open relationships, polyamory

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Emily W.

8:40PM PDT on Apr 15, 2013

The problem with this article is not the author's views on monogamy. The problem is that she wants all people to have the same views as she does. EVERYONE is different, and everyone has different needs that need to be fulfilled. Personally, I feel let down by both sides. The monogamy people are so disgusted with anything outside monogamy that they needlessly push their model of "perfect" on everyone else. And many of the poly people act like it's all about sex, and say things that turn me off, like "you can't expect one person to fulfill all your needs".

My husband and I are happily married. Very happily. And we have occasionally had sex with other people - but only very close friends. We do not feel sexually unfulfilled; we don't do this to "avoid cheating on each other". We do it because we love our friends deeply and want to express our feelings with them in a physical manner. We don't want a polyamory situation where we marry these friends - they are just friends; they aren't part of our close and committed partnership. Nor can we really be called swingers, because it isn't just about random sexual encounters or intended to "spice things up". We're happy together. We seem to be doing something totally different. We are just physically expressive people, and it has made both our marriage and our friendships stronger. We are stronger as a couple because I used to be very jealous and possessive - and then one day we had sex with a couple of our friends, and I was surpris

April 15
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Mandi P.

5:48PM PST on Feb 8, 2013

Through connecting with your sexuality you discover, a sense of self. From there your awareness can grow. Enlightment comes through being self aware.Intimate relationships or perhaps open relationships are fueled by desire, a desire to feel complete, alive, sexual & vital, all of which can be discovered in a monogamous relationship. Through being aware of your awareness you can experience a sense of oneness that connects you to every living creature & beyond!

Amanda Pringle

February 8
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2:49PM PST on Feb 5, 2013

BEAUTIFUL :)

February 5
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Murasaki M.

6:39AM PST on Dec 12, 2012

Wait...did someone reference Sir Lancelot and Guinevere as an example of honor and trust??
Methinks English Lit needs to be revisited here...

December 12
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Indira G.

11:30AM PST on Nov 12, 2012

I think the entire article was taken from the perspective that there is a couple at the foundation of polyamory relationships that only really love eachother and only have physical relations with other people. And random people at that. But there are partnerships where there are three or more people who all love eachother and function much the way a couple would. It doesn't fall under monogamy, but I fail to see where it doesn't have just as much sanctity. People love many people at any given point in time. Mothers, fathers, friends, etc. Who's to say they can't love multiple people romantically as well?

November 12
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Heidi H.

3:39AM PST on Nov 12, 2012

I agree, intimacy is necessary for any relationship and that is not just physical intimacy. It is trust and honoring one another that is the thing dream relationships are made of. There are certainly those who have such dream like relationships and I wonder, who would be so bold to say they don't harbor that vision in their own life? Just ask yourself why the Taj Mahal is such a statement piece of architecture? Why are Sir Lancelot and Gwenivier so loved? Why are Gertrude Stein and Alice B Toklas remembered? There are so many couples we hold as our role models and they are those who fostered honor, intimacy and trust together.

5:58AM PDT on Oct 30, 2012

For relevant and down-to-earth information on polyamory, this is a great podcast: Pedestrian Polyamory http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/category/podcast/pedestrian-polyamory/

October 30
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9:36PM PDT on Oct 29, 2012

I'm so glad this article is still here. 2 years later, and I'm still using it as a reference for a badly written and illogical article on Polyamory.
Even the title has little to do with the content. It stands the test of time; I'm still stunned by its inanity.

October 29
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Grainne O.

3:15PM PDT on Jul 26, 2012

If being monogamous is so great, why do so many people cheat?

I wouldn't take marital advice from someone who claims that marriage is "numbing, backbreaking work". If it's that bad, why do it? I find being with my husband is the easiest thing in the world. Jobs are work. Dieting is work. My husband is a joy!

You say that couples in open relationships aren't any happier than monogamous couples, so why do it? Maybe because they would be even less happy if they were forced into monogamy by a judgemental society.