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Add More Kindness to Your Life

Add More Kindness to Your Life

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”  ~Henry James

I have been thinking a lot about kindness lately because I believe it defines our capacity to show up in our life. The Buddhists teach loving kindness as a fundamental doctrine for both inner and outer peace. In fact, religious philosophy of all denominations hold kindness as central teaching to a life well lived. Most of us learn this expectation in early childhood as we are taught the mechanism of sharing and gentleness with our peers. Yet for all the many ways we have learned kindness and the true simplicity of its execution, kindness is often not our primary or innate response.

Kindness surprises us. We are too accustomed to the lack of it.  I don’t know if other people notice the cruelty exchanged by people who are related to each other in a grocery store line or the belittling that parents deliver through the reprimands in the park. I wince at the harsh tones and unkind words that these same people would not consider directing at a stranger. They don’t think twice about the damage they are wreaking with the people they hold most dear. This is true for me as well. Most of us can vividly recall moments when we wonder how we could have been so unkind.

Kindness is how our capacity for self-love expresses itself. The degree to which we are able to be kind and compassionate with ourselves, reflects the limits of what we can offer to others. To be more kind you have to begin with how you talk to yourself. One simple, but vigilant practice that can create an enormous shift in self-compassion is to start paying attention to the negative thinking that dominates most of our 60,000 daily thoughts. Studies have shown that as much as 80 percent of our thoughts are negative and repeating. We hear them day after day, which makes it easy to confuse familiarity with truth. Rooting out the negativity we practice on ourselves is the first big step in being kinder to the people around you.

I have been teaching for a long time about the magical influence that kindness has when it is extended to your intimate relationships. Offering kindness with a quiet gesture of support, or a look of understanding goes miles towards creating a safe and reliable container for your love to grow. Practicing kindness in our language towards other people creates new openings and the space for forgiveness and letting go to occur. The tone in which you communicate matters as much as the words themselves. Kindness is a reliable balancer of mood and temper and being loved pulls us to our own center.

A primary attribute of a passionate and lasting sex life is the safety of the relationship that contains it. Kindness in words and actions weaves a strong fabric of trust that offers both people a safe space to open up to their erotic selves with curiosity. Kindness is the cure for increasing the vulnerability you share with your partner. Our real nakedness comes not in taking off our clothes together, but in letting down our emotional guards that keep us distant. Finding kindness in our sexuality is a pathway to pure and deep pleasure.

Why Random Acts of Kindness Are So Important
You Pick: Self-Love or Self-Control?
Join the Kindness Revolution

Read more: Friendship, Inspiration, Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Sex, Spirit, ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
12:59AM PST on Nov 10, 2014

Thank you!

11:27AM PDT on Jul 20, 2012

Great article, thanks for the reminder! :)

4:32AM PDT on Jul 13, 2012

I learned a simple kindness from my therapist. I was doing it unconsciously but found out it was benefiting both the person and myself when I did it. I had a poor self image. I hated my body. Many many people told me how attractive I was but I would not believe it.

I guess, because I felt so bad about myself, it drove me to compliment people, strangers even, when I noticed an attractive article of clothing, or hairstyle, anything, even a beautiful smile. I would unashamedly compliment them. I am a big girl, 6 ft and a veteran of the armed forces. I dont wallow a lot in fear. I am bold and a very outgoing person.

I found out from my therapist that by complimenting someone, anyone, I was making their day nicer. It has to be a genuine compliment, a heartfelt compliment. And by doing so, I benefit because I have visited a kindness on another human being for no purpose other than to give them kindness.

I have found, as I continue to do so, my own self image is improving, my body hatred receding, and, this world is a little better place because a stranger gives someone a reason to smile.

Its worth it, totally.

3:45PM PDT on Jul 9, 2012

thanks for sharing

3:02PM PDT on Jul 2, 2012

(: thanks for the reminder.

11:10AM PDT on Jun 30, 2012

great reminder

9:49AM PDT on Jun 29, 2012

thanks for sharing....

9:06AM PDT on Jun 28, 2012


1:22AM PDT on Jun 27, 2012

I recently did an 8-week course called "kindness behavior training" at the London Buddhist Centre. I found it fascinating, enjoyable and very helpful (the course was aimed at people who have suffered from depression and/or addiction problems, but open to all). Just spending a few hours each week thinking about/discussing and focusing on what kindness is, how it manifests, different types of kindess (in action, in thought, etc) was very interesting. It gave me a lot to think about, plus it was really quite nice to spend time in a room with a group of people who were all focusing on kindness! Made for a pleasant atmosphere.

8:51PM PDT on Jun 26, 2012


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