The Four Biggest Myths About How to Act Around Someone Who's Dying

By Paula Spencer, Caring.com senior editor

People often adhere to a code of conduct about the end of life that’s just not rooted in common sense or reality — especially when it comes to how to talk to someone who’s dying, in their final days or hours. Hospice nurse Maggie Callanan, who has attended more than 2,000 deaths, wrote her book Final Journeys: A Practical Guide for Bringing Care and Comfort at the End of Life in order to take on these myths:

Myth: Don’t cry in front of the dying.
They know you’re sad. Having the courage to bare your emotions gives the dying person permission to be candid about his or her own feelings. Your tears are evidence of your love. And they can also be a relief to the person, telegraphing that you understand what’s happening.

What is a “Good Death”?

Myth: Keep the children away.
People often steer kids away from death so they’ll remember the person in a good light and not be frightened. But most kids do well with simple explanations of what’s happening; facts are usually less scary than their vivid imaginations. By cordoning off a child from a natural part of life, you also deprive the dying person of a beloved, comforting presence.

Myth: Don’t talk about how you expect your life will change after the dying person has passed away.
It’s not like they’ll feel left out. You can be sure the dying person is thinking about your life after his or her death — people are often deeply concerned about this. It’s reassuring to hear that loved ones will look after one another.

Myth: If you don’t deal with death well, it’s OK to stay away.
Some people excuse themselves from visiting a dying person with phrases like, “I hate hospitals” or “I want to remember X the way she was.” This is saying that your discomfort is more important than the dying person’s final needs.

End-of-Life Arrangements: A Resource List

“You have a responsibility,” Callanan says. “If someone has played a positive part in your life, that person deserves your attention as his or her life is ending. I’ve seen too many devastated people dying too sadly, waiting for someone who never came.”

Myths About How to Act Around Someone Who’s Dying originally appeared on Caring.com.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Jaette C.

12:44PM PDT on May 25, 2012

Thank you. so many people just 'stay away' when death is happening. That is exactly the opposite action that the person needs.

send a green star

Sheryl G.

3:40PM PDT on Mar 29, 2012

This is an amazing article! It talks about so many things that most people don't like to talk about, things that need to be addressed. From personal experience, I know that sometimes the person who's dying may feel like they need "permission" from their loved ones to leave this life. In my case, I knew my mother didn't want to be hooked up to machines, but my oldest brother made the decision for her, when she went into a coma. My youngest brother could see her struggle, even in her comatose state. So I did something that I felt was right, even though my oldest brother was angry with me after I did it.

I told my mom how much I loved her, that we all loved her and wanted what was best for her. If she wanted to fight to get out of the coma and go on living, we would join the fight and help her come back. But if she was tired of all of it, and wanted to go, we accepted that. Yes, we would be heartbroken, we would be crying for quite a while. And we would miss her a lot. But we would find a way to go on, and honor her memory.

That was on a Thursday afternoon. At 6:00A.M., on Friday, she peacefully passed away. My niece was with her at the time, and she told all of us how her face looked to peaceful and almost happy when she died.

Bonnie M.

9:56AM PDT on Mar 26, 2012

Great article. Thanks

Mary L.

8:40AM PDT on Mar 26, 2012

I tried as hard as I could to help grandfather in law die at home as was his wish. When that became impossible I stayed with all day while my daughter was in school. Apparently that caused his children to feel uncomfortable enough to stay with him the rest of the day. They hadn't planned on it you see.

I have no great love of the "good old days" but this is one area we've regressed in, not improved in.

Kathy K.

1:58PM PST on Jan 18, 2012

Thanks.

Mary Beth M.

8:48AM PST on Jan 18, 2012

Important information. Prior to our current times, when most people died at home and wakes were held in homes, all family members, including children, were involved with the dying family member. There was probably less mystery and fear involved as the time of death was straight forward. With hospitals & funeral homes, the personal nature of death has been removed. It is easier to let professionals handle the care of the dying and the dead. This fear can become translated into a 'fear of hospitals' but ultimately is a lack of responsibility in dealing in human interactions. So sad, that our advancements in technology have taken us farther away from each other.

Michele W.

4:26AM PST on Jan 18, 2012

Thank you

ii q.

4:32PM PST on Jan 17, 2012

Kathy P.

4:23PM PDT on Sep 23, 2011

One of the best mistakes I made (without it I could not learn) was something I said to my Grandmother when she was dying. "I must be dying Kath." I looked at her and said "Don't say that. Of course you're not." Of course, my Grandmother died. I was thirteen years old then, but over the years I realised how my attitude to her death must have made her feel even more lonely.

Now I know that death is just another phase of life and can be shared.

KS G.

6:34PM PDT on Sep 9, 2011

Thanks for the article.