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Neuticles: Fake Testicles for Your Pet

Neuticles: Fake Testicles for Your Pet

Okay, this takes the cake for being weird, as well as a bizarre use of up to $800 — testicular implants for animals that have been neutered. The price depends on whether you buy small, medium or large. Inventor, Gregg Miller, calls them Neuticles, which admittedly is a great name, but still does not seem to warrant the 500,000 pairs of them that have been sold and implanted.

Mr. Miller says the idea is to “let people restore their pets’ anatomical preciseness.”  This helps, he says, with self-esteem. I am not sure if he means the self-esteem of the owner or the pet.  But he continues, by adding, “Neutering is creepy. But with Nueticles, it’s like nothing has changed.”  Well, except for the very weird fact that an animal now has a fake body part!

For the record, cats and dogs are the top recipients of Neuticals, but they have also been implanted in a monkey and a groundhog.

So, who orders these fake testicles? Well, Americans from every state and people from over 49 countries. One of the latest purchasers is, surprise, surprise, Kim Kardashian. If you want to see the procedure Kim’s dog Rocky underwent when he regained his anatomical preciseness, click here: The Neuticle Procedure (warning: it is graphic).

Before, we laugh this silly idea right out of the Care2 community, it did dawn on me, that maybe, just maybe, people who hesitate – or even refuse – to neuter their male pets due to the perceived indignity of having their manhood removed (again, not sure if this applies to the pet or owner more), may agree to neuter, if cosmetically their pet will still look fully intact. What do you think?

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Cherise Udell

Cherise Udell is a mom, clean air advocate, anthropologist and feline aficionado with the nomadic habit of taking spontaneous sojourns to unusual destinations. Before her adventures in motherhood, she was an intrepid Amazon jungle guide equipped with a pair of sturdy wellingtons and a 24-inch machete, as well as a volunteer at a rainforest animal rescue center.


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2:33AM PDT on May 28, 2013

thank you for sharing

5:40AM PDT on Mar 26, 2013

thanks for sharing :)

12:01AM PST on Mar 5, 2013

Not only for canines...larger orbs are also available for horses and even bulls. Seriously. Puts a whole new meaning to a bull in a china shop. Rampaging unless he gets his falsies? The stallion now pouting... left to horsing around in the stall without? Impress the young fillies and mares with a package from silicone alley? What a finale! Not! These implants are pure bull patties!

11:28PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

Andrew F states: “Had it not been for Neuticles I would not have neutered my dog.” Intriguing, would the dog have gone ballistic without them? Barking loudly in pawtest running to YouTube frantically downloading Nutcracker Suite? The owners using this procedure must think that the balls are really in their court! Ah, the insecurities of man…’tis not Manna From Heaven to add the male version of ‘falsies” to a dog. One wonders who will soon come up with a bizarre ‘remedy’ for spayed females? Replacement fake ovaries for the bitch who lost everything? (For those getting their knickers in a knot re: swearing/sexist oppressive female reference, a bitch is a female dog.)

An unwanted testes-ament to an unnecessary cosmetic operation performed for the vanity of the (usually) male owner who perhaps has frightening nightmares about snip, snip, snip…MIA! These lost orbs from the dog bringing fright to some uptight bipeds perhaps but the dog himself is not likely to miss that part of his anatomy once is it gone. Perform a ritual burial, erect a hallowed shrine in the living room perhaps…a tribute or memorial such as two pine cones for the Lost Ones, but substitutes on the dog are hardly necessary. Don’t Cry For Me Argentine!

11:07PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

Funny, Adam :) So, you feel like MORE of a man and ready to take "Iron Mike" on, right? Those fake ones will definitely be a confidence booster!

10:53PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

I'm wearing neuticles right now, and I feel great!

10:17PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

"you've made multiple posts here acting as if you're an authority on the subject. i could care less what you think or others do."........Ummm, and Andrew, I haven't made any more posts than you have. What is your point except more personal insults? You seem to be very insecure, especially in your masculinity if you feel the need to have fake balls put in your companion after neutering. I'm certain Rocky or whatever his name is, could care less about what is or isn't dangling anymore. Nope, absolutely not an authority on fake testicles. I DO consider myself knowledgeable and educated on just keeping companion animals healthy and their needs met, however.

10:11PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

Well said, Cherise. Breast implants are legal and plastic surgeons perform THAT surgery as well, even on teenage girls, but does that make it okay or safe over long term?

Andrew, "Im just sharing my thoughts based on fact and not emotional
drivol. Im sorry you're not an advocate of pet overpopulation and that you sleep well at night."..........your facts are just what? Your entire opinion is based on YOUR emotions, not your dog's. Are you implying that I support "pet overpopulation"? Where would you get such a weird idea? I support neutering almost all male dogs other than the highest quality purebreds, just don't advocate for implanting fake stuff just to make their male owners feel more "entire"/masculine.

8:08AM PST on Mar 3, 2013

@ Barbara - I appreciate your reasoned/thoughtful comments. I will, however, challenge the idea that a consumer good/service is okay if there is supply and demand, as this argument on its own would tell us that crack cocaine, child pornography, the slave trade and child labor is okay. So obviously, just because there is a consumer demand, doesn't mean that demand should be met.

That said, neuticles obviously do not fall into the aforementioned black market category and can actually have the positive benefit of encouraging some reluctant people to neuter their pets. The procedure seems simple enough and is done right after neutering, so a second scheduled surgery is not needed. The recovery, in general, seems to be relatively easy.

However, I have now called three vets and none of them will even do the procedure, let alone give me a price quote. The last vet I spoke with from Beverly Hills said he would never perform the procedure for the following reasons:

1) unnecessary surgical procedure
2) you are putting an unnecessary foreign substance into the animal
3) he is concerned about the weight of the fake testes irritating the animal
4) he thinks it is all about the vanity and ego of the owner and has nothing to do with the animals welfare, thus he refuses to participate

Obviously, other vets think differently, as some vet will happily do the procedure.

Okay, enough of my day has been absorbed by fake dog balls, so I am off to organize a rally at our state

4:44AM PST on Mar 1, 2013


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