In this impending wintertime of late sunrises and early sunsets, I find myself exploring darkness, not just the extended night-times but the darkness within me. Sometimes I find myself experiencing frequent dark nights of the soul. You know the scenario. You wake from a nightmare to see the digital clock blinking 3:12 in bright red. The room is dark, void of moonlight, and you’re alone – or your partner snores quietly, blissfully unconscious. The broken record starts spinning in your head. “What the hell am I doing? Who do I think I am to think I can take this kind of risk? I’m not smart enough/ loving enough/ healthy enough/ talented enough/ devoted enough/ pious enough/ good enough…” Head spinning, you find yourself doubting the very fiber of your being, as the ticker tape of negative self-talk repeats itself endlessly.
Where for art though, God?
If you’re like me, you turn to God, and you start to pray. You pray for guidance, for peace, for signs, for faith, but you feel alone. The signs seem to have left you. The angels are silenced. Why has God forsaken you? And you start to cry, with the ticker tape spinning ever faster.
You try meditating. You try praying harder. You count sheep, anything to pass the time until the sun rises and the night ends. But hours later, you look at the clock, and it’s 3:15. Time marches.
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