http://www.care2.com/greenliving/preparing-your-child-for-a-grandparents-death.html
Preparing Your Child for a Grandparent’s Death
By Connie Matthiessen, Caring.com senior editor
People often conceal the reality of death from young children in an effort to protect them from painful and frightening “adult” matters. In earlier times, grandparents and other relatives often passed away at home, cared for by the family, and children understood that death was part of the natural order of things. Today, the dying are often in hospitals and nursing homes, and many children have no concept of what it means to die. But experts agree that not talking about death, or dressing it up in euphemisms or platitudes, can confuse and frighten a young child. If a grandparent is ill and nearing death, here are steps you can take to help prepare your child for the loss.
Talk openly about death in advance. It’s a good idea to introduce the subject of death to your young child well before a grandparent is ailing. The death of a pet offers an excellent opportunity for such a discussion. Or you can simply show your child a dead flower or insect. Explain that death is the end of life, and that every living thing will die one day. Keep your explanation simple and to the point. Consider this the first of many conversations, as it will take your child a while to absorb the information.
If a grandparent is very ill or has received a terminal diagnosis, gently tell your child that his grandparent is going to die. It’s better to inform your child in advance, because at the time of death you may be too grief-stricken yourself to explain. It’s fine to show your child that you’re sad about the loss, but it may scare him if you disclose the news of his grandparent’s passing at a time when you’re overcome with grief.
Answer your child’s questions, no matter how difficult. Try to respond to all your child’s questions about death without distress or displeasure — or dishonesty. Many of them are likely to be difficult to answer — for example, “Will Grandma be able to see me when she’s dead?” — and your response will depend on your personal beliefs. Avoid telling your child fairy tales. If you say that Grandma is sitting on a fluffy white cloud in the sky, looking down on your child and sending kisses, your child may feel comfort in the moment but is likely to be confused about death in the long run. It’s fine to simply say that you don’t know the answer to certain questions.
Let your child spend lots of time with grandparents, if appropriate. If your child’s grandparent is up to it, arrange for them to see each other regularly. Your child may find this scary at first if you’ve just told him that his grandparent is going to die, but short visits will help dispel your child’s fear, may lift his grandparent’s spirits, and will create pleasant memories for years to come.
Put together a legacy project. Consider creating a legacy project with your parent, and involve your child in the process. Even a very young child can help select photographs for a poster or photo album. An older child may enjoy listening to his grandmother relate her life story for an oral history project; the child could also draw pictures for the final bound volume. If possible, take some pictures of your child with his grandparent and add them to the oral history. Frame one of the photos and put it in your child’s room.
Find children’s books on death and dying. Many excellent books for children deal with the subject of death. Pick a selection up from the library and purchase a few you think your child will like, so they can continue to provide comfort in the months to come.
Encourage your child to draw or paint pictures. Children often have trouble talking about their feelings and may be able to express themselves more easily through drawing or painting.
Inform your child’s teacher and other adults. Talk to your child’s teacher, to babysitters, and to other significant adults in his life. Tell them that your child’s grandparent is dying, and explain how your child is dealing with the experience. This information will help adults know how to interpret his behavior and provide support, as needed.
If you detect problems, take your child to a counselor or a child psychologist. If your child is having a very strong reaction to his grandparent’s death — if he’s acting out, is very withdrawn, or exhibits other signs of distress — it’s a good idea to consult a child psychologist. An expert can help your child work through his fear and loss.
Caring.com was created to help you care for your aging parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. As the leading destination for eldercare resources on the Internet, our mission is to give you the information and services you need to make better decisions, save time, and feel more supported. Caring.com provides the practical information, personal support, expert advice, and easy-to-use tools you need during this challenging time.
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10 comments
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My mother had an interesting way of handling this with her two GREAT grandchildren. They were quite young then and while she was still able to concentrate on such things, she discussed it with them herself--not only about her death, but pets' death, and the "Wheel of Life".
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My nieces son visited my late father and knew he was old and very ill. When dad passed away he wrote a letter for great grandad and drew a picture of himself for dad to hold. No one asked him to he just done it for love.
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Thank you JoAnn. I certainly will. I know I want and need to talk about her. We are in a new country and I don't have the long-standing friends here yet that I would want to have to hear my outpourings. My friends back in England have listened but they do feel I should be moving on by now. I will keep looking - thank you.
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Susan, when my husband passed away, I found a wonderful grief counseling group through a local hospice. No religious emphasis; just the sharing of our stories and the various difficulties we were experiencing. One survivor had lost her gay partner, one a mother, one an ex-husband; the relationships would seem so different but all of us were grieving, dealing with regrets, inconsolable feelings of loss, all of that was so much the same. Keep looking for a group to talk with, even a year later it helps.
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My beloved grandfather died when I was 13 years old. No one had told me he was sick, in the hospital, or close to death. The grief over his loss eventually passed, as grief usually does. But the anger, frustration, and heartache regarding the secrecy of his illness remain, as powerful now as it was 30+ years ago. I still wish my parents had been honest about it, and had given me a chance to say good-bye.
Though I haven't experienced the loss of a parent yet, I have lost some dear aunts, uncles, and friends. I was lucky to spend time with some of them near the end, to say good-bye and express my love. Though the grief is/was still difficult, I feel comfort in knowing I expressed my love to my dear ones.
Some of my nieces and nephews have experienced loss of grandparents in recent years. Thankfully, my siblings have been open with the kids, as this article suggests. I strongly agree that adults should be honest with children. Yes, it is a difficult subject, but avoiding the subject is not healthy.
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My mother's father died when she was 12, and she was not allowed to attend the funeral, so she still views it today as her father "abandoning her". When I was 11, my grandmother died suddenly. My younger brother and I took a day off from school to attend the funeral and all of it. Later, when I was older, my parents mentioned that my grandmother had shot herself, whether accidentally or suicide, it was not clear, although the police report did list it as accidental. Since mom and dad had an acrimonious relationship with my grandmother (her in-law), their handling of the situation was not that great. Looking back on it, we all should have had grief counseling of some sort.
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Blaise - condolences to you as well. I must admit that I didn't have the tortuous realisation that I would never see my father again. I think the whole aspect of time as a child is nebulous. Forever only meant waiting for the ice cream van!
I also was very much Mummy's girl so perhaps that has something to do with my feelings then and my feelings now. I do wonder how different a path my life may have taken if Daddy had lived but, all in all, I am very happy with my lot. When I hear adults moaning about their parents I have to stop myself from telling them to treasure every moment and every second - because now I know what forever means. When they are gone it leaves a tremendous void. I think of my Mum every single day. Things you have to cope with as an adult are far harder than those you think you have to cope with as a child.
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Susan B. Sorry for your loss. My father also died when I was seven years old. He died on January 20th 1970. He was a photojournalist working on his first assignment as a freelance photographer for National Geographic magazine. He died in Yellowstone National Park where park rangers found his body. He had only just started his assignment when he died, so his story was never published. It was a devastating experience for me and of course for my entire family. He was only thirty nine years old. My youngest sister was about five months old when our father died. Now she is alone with our mother in Colorado as I type this watching our mom die from Alzheimer's. She is not expected to live through this weekend. My two children have said their goodbyes to their grandmother over the phone as their aunt held the phone to grandma's ear. Luckily, we are very open about death in our family and we have discussions about it in earnest. I was lucky enough to be allowed to see my father's body in the casket at the funeral home, and it IS important to see the ones you love in death, if they are physically presentable. As painful as it is, even and especially for a child, I would not trade anything for that experience and to be able to say goodbye to my father in such a way. In our country (USA) there seems to be either fear or embarrassment about death. There has been a lot of crying in my house the last couple of days, but there has also been a lot of laughing as well. Good memories go right a
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Mt father died when I was seven (nearly 50 years ago). It wasn't talked about. He had had a long illness (cancer) so we had been visiting him in hospital a lot. Then he died. I didn't attend the funeral as I was too young. I had no photographs of him. I do recall my immense embarrassment being sent out of the school hall during assembly so that the rest of the school could be told that my father had died and the way everyone stared at me when I re-entered the room.
In my adult life I have lost many family and friends. My most recent loss is my mother who died on 4th January 2008. THIS, as an adult, has been the single most tortuous time I have ever experienced. Children are extremely resilient - give them some credit. Also the older you get the more memories there are, the more attachment there is. I wish I could have found/find a grief counselling group as I am still having a hard time losing my darling Mum - unfortunately they are all church based and I am a non-believer - so I really don't want or need to hear that she has gone to a better place.
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