Healthy communication fosters connection, trust, intimacy, and respect. It is all about knowing and being known. It is not about getting people to do what we want. It’s about mutually beneficial solutions. It is not about controlling what we feel. It is about feeling what we feel, and sharing what we feel and think in the present moment. This sort of openhearted sharing is “relating.”

Take a look at the fifteen statements, below. Which would you say? Which wouldn’t you? Live and learn with this quiz:

Next to each statement, write 0 if it would rarely or never occur to you to say this, 1 if you might occasionally make this statement, and 2 if such a statement is typical of your style.

1. Hearing you say how that affected you, I feel sorry I did that.

2. I want you to listen and hear me out before responding.

3. I’m sorry. If I had it to do over, I would . . .

4. Tell me more about why you feel/think/see it that way.

5. I didn’t mean to hurt you. What I wish I’d been able to communicate is . . .

6. I’d like to make it up to you/to make amends.

7. Could we sit down and talk about something that’s on my mind?

8. I’m feeling unfinished about that recent conversation between us. Could we talk about it?

9. I need some time before I respond to you.

10. I see it differently than that. May I tell you how I see it?

11. I think/favor/want . . . What do you think/favor/want?

12. I appreciate you for . . . (something this person did or said).

13. I want. . . How does that work for you? (Is this something you can give?)

14. I feel crummy about what just happened. Can we talk about it?

15. I notice myself getting defensive. I think I’m getting triggered.

SCORING
The highest possible score is thirty, and the lowest would be zero. The higher you score, the higher your likelihood of having successful relationships. here is a breakdown of what your scores might mean.

*0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships more often than you would like.

* 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning.

* 16-24 You have good relationship skills and have the aptitude to take your skills to the highest level you wish!

* 25-30: Your capacity for present-centered relating is already at a very high level. Congratulations!