Reflections on Infidelity

“I gave him 17 years of my love, my youth and my life, with three beautiful children and a home that runs like clock-work. Today, I realise that you get no medals for being faithful or thoughtful. He says he no longer finds me attractive, so he’s been having an affair on the side…’

“I thought I had the most secure, comfortable marriage. I trusted him so completely, I even allowed him to go out for a weekend trip with my best friend. The next thing I knew, he asked me for a divorce—he wants to marry her.”

The situations might be different, but the truth remains the same: partners cheat. In fact, bestselling book The Monogamy Myth, authored by Peggy Vaughan, approximates that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some time in their marriage.

Actually, we probably don’t even need the cold statistics to hit us any more. Everywhere you look, people seem to be ‘straying’ outside their relationships.

Why?

Of course the reasons can range from the trivial (he doesn’t enjoy movies ) to the serious (he is never there for me), most psychologists agree that infidelity happens for two main reasons:

Plain and simple boredom: in the beginning, there is magnetic attraction. Both partners put their best foot forward. You dress for him, making sure not a hair is out of place. You make the effort to cook or appreciate what he likes, . Then you tie the knot or shack up, and the magic begins to fade. Your spouse sees you with eye-gunk, toothpaste in your mouth, uncombed hair, in a shapeless nightie, and as the years pass, with a larger waistline and fewer things to talk about. Thomas Hardy described it as ‘the stale familiarity of a marriage’. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’re likely to understand this only too well.

Feelings of inadequacy: A romantic relationship begins because the other person makes you feel special, beautiful, wanted. Extra-marital affairs happen when your partner no longer makes you feel that way. So, when a spouse ‘cheats,’ it is not because he or she is trying to hurt the other person—it is about seeking someone who will make themselves feel good and special again! A successful businessman who was married to a stunning model had an affair with a totally ordinary woman. When asked the reason for his choice, he said, simply, ‘She makes me feel like a king.’ That’s why, perhaps, thousands of beautiful men and women are actually very lonely people.

American marriage counsellor Dr. Ellen Kreidman urges you to rethink the way you look at infidelity: ‘Take your spouse’s act of infidelity as a wake-up call,’ she says, pointing out that no one just decides to go out one fine day and have an affair. It happens because the neglect and being taken for granted have been piling up, possibly over the course of many years.

Yes, it hurts, says Kreidman, but you could harness your pain to help you look inside and try to change what was lacking inside you. If you can work on that, your marriage/relationship could emerge stronger than ever—so secure and wonderful that nothing or noone can ever slide between you again. Yes, it is possible.

What do you think causes a partner to cheat, and what advice can you offer to someone who is dealing with infidelity? Do you have a powerful experience or a helpful insight to share?

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Valentina R.

5:14AM PDT on May 18, 2012

Or, your husband is simply a cheating asshole.

American Horror Story, anyone?

send a green star

Samantha R.

11:08PM PDT on Apr 19, 2012

I would like to think that my partner would never cheat on me, but I know it is something I worry about. Almost for the reasons set out in this article - that it will happen gradually with migrating to elsewhere for affection, which builds and suddenly one day I'm betraying the woman I love most.

I hope that never happens.

Barbara M.

6:25AM PDT on Mar 14, 2012

Wise words, Dawn! Never say never.....the human condition often creates such unnecessary and hurtful dramas! Fuel for all of the novels and movies and stage performances! What would art be without angst?

Dawn D.

7:52PM PDT on Mar 13, 2012

it's interesting to see the comments that say "i know where my spouse is ALL the time- and what they are doing-they never have/would cheat on me". are you so sure? you'd be surprised what ppl get up to. i'm just saying- you might not know everything you think you know. and as far as ppl being at work "ALL DAY"-that could very well be where it's happening. just saying. you can't ever really trust anyone. not even yourself sometimes

Deb L.

3:15AM PST on Mar 7, 2012

Easier said than done. Overcoming the pain and heartache of infidelity is hard enough to work through without blaming yourself. It's not usually what is lacking in the unsuspecting spouse that is the problem. Sadly, I've been on both sides, it is devastating either way. Hard way to learn any lesson!

Debbie C.

2:42AM PST on Mar 7, 2012

i teased my husband about having an affair one day last summer because he was putting on cologne before going to work. He laughed and said, "When would I have time? I go to work, and come home. You know where I am at all times. I put the cologne on because I sweat at work."

He is one in a million, and I think I will keep him (LOL).

Debbie L.

7:37PM PST on Feb 28, 2012

Wow, the stats are quite high. Thanks for the article.

Joe R.

10:43AM PST on Feb 16, 2012

Really?

Lika S.

1:51AM PST on Feb 13, 2012

Well, I guess the thing is, when the affair looks so appealing, and yes, it IS about you, then you need to assess whether the marriage is worth saving or not. If it is, then use the fire you got from the potential affair, to respark your marriage.

If the marriage has no more spark, and there is nothing left, just get the divorce and move on. Then the affair can be legit rather than a taboo item that will only hurt your spouse, even if they aren't into the relationship the marriage ought to be.

My ex and I had slept in different rooms for the last 8.5 years of our marriage. He just wasn't interested in being intimate in ANY way, shape, or form. He stayed on his computer around the clock, and would urinate in soda or water bottles rather than get up to go to the toilet. He'd eat dinner at his desk, refuse to help clean up anything... I was virtually a single parent to our son, and he was dragging me down further.

When I found a good person online, I filed divorce because there was nothing left. We were roommates with a license certificate. I knew I deserved better. We'd talked, argued, I prodded, etc... He refused to work with me, so finally, that was it.

He was angry, jealous and hurt because he equated me finding someone as the same as an affair. It wasn't. I got together with my new guy after filing the divorce, and 2 years later, we got married. I have a much better family life now. And I never cheated.

Sandy V.

1:58PM PST on Feb 11, 2012

I did stay with a spouse for 20 yrs so put yes. I have been married to this man 22 years and know where he is all the time. No not a requirement, he just tells me. The one of 20 years married a "younger" woman and she ran around on him and he on her....