Yesterday evening, I caught myself checking Facebook and email obsessively. I had plenty to do to prepare for the upcoming yard sale and our ever-nearing move to Minnesota (and mothering and whatnot), so I paused and asked myself what was driving that rather maddening and wasteful behavior.
I realized that I’d slipped into some sort of old “rescue me” pattern. I was looking online for news that would magically lift the weight–solutions for the challenges I am currently experiencing. Yes, Facebook and email are the two places people contact me to schedule intuitive coaching and register for classes but this was much bigger than an innocent business practice.
I was looking for some kind of miracle.
Honestly, I don’t even know what I hoped to find. Maybe there was a huge invoice I’d forgotten was outstanding that a former client suddenly paid? Or maybe the lottery people would randomly email that I’d won a bunch of money. I was looking for answers to the seemingly endless line of questions bouncing around in my head.
Again, I wasn’t looking for new students or clients, or an update about one of the jobs I’ve applied for in Minneapolis, or anything else… you know, realistic? That’s the part that made it clear I’d slipped out of my power position.
I was looking for someone else to be my hero, my miracle worker, my lifeline. I was looking for someone to rescue me (AGAIN).
Damn, I am so tired of these old patterns popping back up.
I sat with that for a while. It felt heavy and sad in my chest, and I could feel the little Christys screaming for attention… for safety and security… for love. The little girl in me wants to be taken care of by somebody who can make happen what is otherwise painfully elusive to me.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
I let the experience wash over me. I took several long, deep breaths, and leaned heavily on the soil beneath my feet. I applied essential oils to help me find myself again. I lit a candle, pulled a few cards, and wrote for a little while. I handed it over to everyone and everything that helps me hold all that I don’t know how to hold. And then I slept the heaviest, deepest sleep I’ve slept in a while.
Today, all of those things that I felt scared and overwhelmed about have still not yet been resolved. But I feel like me again, a grown up me. I’m in charge of my life again and that feels good.
Most importantly, I remembered that I am not alone. I once again can feel that I am a part of all that is… woven deeply into the fabric of the universe.
I am loved.
I am held.
I am worthy and my needs and desires are met with ease.
Perhaps the lesson in all of this is that when we stop searching for the wrong stuff, we find the right stuff within.