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‘Sex Should Come Naturally’ is Nonsense

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‘Sex Should Come Naturally’ is Nonsense

It never fails. I post a blog and someone responds in the comments with something like this: “sex comes naturally. If you need instructions on how to enjoy it, something’s very wrong.” Whenever I read a comment like that, it takes everything I have inside of me not to respond in one long and very loud rant. Sure, the sexual response may be inborn in most of us, just like eating. But we see nutritionists, watch food experts talk on PBS, and we buy books on dieting and nutrition. The same goes for exercise. How many yoga studios and private trainers are there in the world? Isn’t moving our bodies natural? Truly, I could go on and on. So what is it about getting support, education and training for our sex lives that rattles our cage so much?

Is it the urban legend that great lovers are born not made? Or that there is something very broken about us if we feel like we need support around our sexuality?

Here are the facts: We are all born to grope. Just like we are all born to put food in our mouths, chew and swallow. But if you want to become the sexual master of your own being, that may require more effort than waking up aroused! It’s just that most people really don’t know where to turn for education, support and training around their sexuality. Even the words “education” and “sex” together just feels wrong to many people. It’s seem so….teenage!

Seeing a sex therapist can unfortunately feel like something is wrong with you, and learning from pornography where many people get their sexual information is simply a bad idea.

But the fact is that exploring our own sexual nature for many complicated reasons can feel like a big risk. We do need to be sufficiently supported to learn and take on new explorations which can feel to many of us like risk taking on the most intimate of levels. That is why there is a new profession, Sexological Body Work.

It fills a very important gap in adult sexual learning, and is taught by a new crop of sex education professionals called Somatic Sex Educators. I just like to call myself a Sexuality and Intimacy Coach.

I totally understand that you need support in order to take risks. I am a queen risk taker, and I never jump alone.

Anytime we go outside of our own sexual box, we are taking a risk. But without risk, there can be no growth or expansion. And if you don’t get support and try to go on a great big sexual adventure on your own, you might meet up with risk’s kissing cousin – recklessness.

So today, under “Screw Natural Sex: I Want To Be The Sexual Master of My Own Life – Give Me An Advanced Degree,” I would like to let you in on a secret.

Women all over the country are staking a claim on pleasure for health and healing. And guess what? They are getting help. That includes the sex kittens and their older sisters, the sex goddesses. In increasing numbers, women are finding answers in the hands of professional sexual healers. Though it remains a subterranean phenomenon, sexual healing is breaking through the frozen ground of taboo.

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites and her daily blog,, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.


+ add your own
1:40AM PDT on Nov 1, 2014

Thank you!

5:29PM PDT on Aug 27, 2012

it came naturally to me lol

8:24AM PDT on Jul 31, 2012

To me, the most disgusting thing in the world can be many things, be it genocide, rape, murder, abuse of parents, children, war, many things. How can anyone equate sex with being the most disgusting thing in the world unless one is drilled with religious beliefs or was perhaps te victim of a crime. When there is love and tenderness or just plain hanky panky, sex can be a wonderful thing. If it is rape, then it is not real sex, just power and crime.

4:13PM PDT on Jul 13, 2012

I don't think its nonsense. Sex should be natural bewteen to consenting adults. But than again sex to some is like ice cream, which is a better flavor vanilla or strawberry ?. Me Ill take cookies and cream with lots of sprinkles.

4:10AM PDT on Jul 13, 2012

One thing is stop teaching abstinence as sex education.

Teach youngsters about how the body works. Why a young man should not be ashamed at a spontaneous erection, why a young lady shouldn't feel dirty or ashamed of menses. How there is more to the action of sex than just sticking it in and leaving a sticky mess.

But, well, we have moral buttwads in this country who feel giving education to children is going to have them making babies every single second of the day.

I grew up with a very vivid sex education, it was called farming. And no, It did NOT make me wish to copulate with the first available stranger I could find (watch a cow birth sometime - it will make you rethink pregnancy for a while)

4:42AM PDT on Jul 9, 2012

interesting post

12:53PM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

thanks for posting

12:55AM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

plus, hey, lets face it. Men who love their wives really want us to enjoy sex with them! So I don't understand why so many of us are feeling guilty that we want to have pleasure? If a woman is making you feel that way, she's probably jealous. If your man is trying to make you feel that way, he doesn't really love you. find a new one.

12:51AM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

Well, sex is like food. We don't get born naturally knowing how to do either one. But, as we grow, we learn what we like to eat, and then learn how to cook it. Sex is the same way, and you need to let your partner know what you like.

Groping can be fun, and when you're either intuitive or know how to pay attention, you learn what is good vs. better vs. not so hot.

Sure, if you only know how to cook one way, you take cooking lessons, but, hey, it's not like there is going to be another guy or gal to say, "Here, come learn how to take my clothes off and take advantage of me, so you can learn to please your husband/wife". Or is the therapist supposed to come into your bedroom to explain what is going right and what is going wrong? Sex therapists can only give you pointers, and advice. The rest is up to the individual or couple to figure the rest out.

6:41PM PDT on Jul 4, 2012

Thanks for the article!

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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