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‘Sex Should Come Naturally’ is Nonsense

Dr. Christiane Northrup, physician, best-selling author and internationally renowned women’s health expert commented, “Up until very recently, hands-on sexual healing has been cloaked in secrecy, shame, and misunderstanding. But a bold new group of courageous pioneers such as Pamela Madsen is leading the way toward a deeper, richer understanding of women’s sexual pleasure as a force for health and healing that positively affects all areas of their lives. The new feminism includes embracing our erotic power, and hands on sexual healing in the right setting can be a very effective way to accomplish this.”

I have been told that I am an “unlikely avatar of desire and pleasure, an Everywoman – a plump, middle-aged housewife, married with two kids, living a middle class life in the Bronx. But with her new book, she’s opening the floodgates of a new national dialogue about integrated female sexuality and well being. She has emerged as the only client of sexual healers to speak publicly about the transformational and healing power of one-way touch and sensual pleasure.”

So maybe my “coming out” is a bit unprecedented! So maybe I am the first. Perhaps. But what I am finding is that the more that I come out and talk to other women, I am finding an overwhelmingly large group of women who are hungry to learn how they too can own and harness their sexuality.

My story has brought an influx of mail from women who feel shut down and cut off from their own bodies and want to taste the freedom of pleasure again – or maybe for the first time. The letters are filled with women talking about how trapped they feel behind the barbed wire fence of shame, guilt, fear and resentment as they struggle to break free. They want to know how to find safe sexual healing with an experienced professional without ditching their lives.

The truth is I got the courage to share my story because, even before I went public, I knew that I wasn’t alone. I was meeting other women like just like myself at workshops and conferences. It made me wonder how widespread “hands-on sexual healing” was becoming. Since there were no official studies, I reached out to sex therapists, women’s health specialists and family therapists to find out if in fact their patients were approaching them with questions about hands-on sexual healing. These practitioners confirmed that not only were women coming to them, they wanted referrals.

Clearly, hands-on sexual healing is slowly seeping into the mainstream. After all, HBO has the hit series Hung. Ray, the protagonist, may call himself a gigolo, but he usually winds up providing a profound experience that most of his clients crave.

Once I got over my shame – and lived to tell about it – I discovered that desire is natural and pleasure is transformational. That needing support around my innate sexuality was natural!

Allowing pleasure into your life isn’t narcissistic, id-driven or the function of a personality disorder. It is, in fact, a path to wholeness. Pleasure helps mend many wounds from body image and depression to the infamous low libido. Sometimes all we need is an expert guide to lead us to the mine of gold we already have inside of us.

I have been on a fabulously funny, sexy, wonky, and totally amazing journey through a world that so many people just whisper about. I came home transformed. In my world the hands-on sexual healers are called Sexological Bodyworkers and they have a professional organization and guidelines to follow. HBO may have “Happiness Consultants.” Whatever the name, paid sexual healing services are in increasing demand. Maybe if a doctor could write a prescription, it wouldn’t be underground anymore. But based on my own informal research, I can tell you, it won’t be sub rosa much longer, and I can’t think of anything more natural than that.

Read more: Blogs, Love, Recharge Your Life, Sex, Sexual Health, , , , , , , ,

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites BeingShameless.com and her daily blog, thefertilityadvocate.com, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.

51 comments

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5:29PM PDT on Aug 27, 2012

it came naturally to me lol

8:24AM PDT on Jul 31, 2012

To me, the most disgusting thing in the world can be many things, be it genocide, rape, murder, abuse of parents, children, war, greed...so many things. How can anyone equate sex with being the most disgusting thing in the world unless one is drilled with religious beliefs or was perhaps te victim of a crime. When there is love and tenderness or just plain hanky panky, sex can be a wonderful thing. If it is rape, then it is not real sex, just power and crime.

4:13PM PDT on Jul 13, 2012

I don't think its nonsense. Sex should be natural bewteen to consenting adults. But than again sex to some is like ice cream, which is a better flavor vanilla or strawberry ?. Me Ill take cookies and cream with lots of sprinkles.

4:10AM PDT on Jul 13, 2012

One thing is stop teaching abstinence as sex education.

Teach youngsters about how the body works. Why a young man should not be ashamed at a spontaneous erection, why a young lady shouldn't feel dirty or ashamed of menses. How there is more to the action of sex than just sticking it in and leaving a sticky mess.

But, well, we have moral buttwads in this country who feel giving education to children is going to have them making babies every single second of the day.

I grew up with a very vivid sex education, it was called farming. And no, It did NOT make me wish to copulate with the first available stranger I could find (watch a cow birth sometime - it will make you rethink pregnancy for a while)

4:42AM PDT on Jul 9, 2012

interesting post

12:53PM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

thanks for posting

12:55AM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

plus, hey, lets face it. Men who love their wives really want us to enjoy sex with them! So I don't understand why so many of us are feeling guilty that we want to have pleasure? If a woman is making you feel that way, she's probably jealous. If your man is trying to make you feel that way, he doesn't really love you. find a new one.

12:51AM PDT on Jul 6, 2012

Well, sex is like food. We don't get born naturally knowing how to do either one. But, as we grow, we learn what we like to eat, and then learn how to cook it. Sex is the same way, and you need to let your partner know what you like.

Groping can be fun, and when you're either intuitive or know how to pay attention, you learn what is good vs. better vs. not so hot.

Sure, if you only know how to cook one way, you take cooking lessons, but, hey, it's not like there is going to be another guy or gal to say, "Here, come learn how to take my clothes off and take advantage of me, so you can learn to please your husband/wife". Or is the therapist supposed to come into your bedroom to explain what is going right and what is going wrong? Sex therapists can only give you pointers, and advice. The rest is up to the individual or couple to figure the rest out.

6:41PM PDT on Jul 4, 2012

Thanks for the article!

7:03AM PDT on Jul 3, 2012

I suppose it depends on ones definition of sex. If you follow the Rick Santorum train of thought that it is only for procreation, then yes, sex does come naturally. If however you feel that sex is delightful, healthy, a great way to bond with your partner and can be a spirtual experience, then it takes effort, imagination, dedication and patience.

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