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Showing Up

Showing Up

When I teach about the Ecology of Love and talk about the water that lives between people I often use the term “showing up” to describe the flow that happens in relationships. In relationships, like the ocean, there is an ebb and tide to how we are present for each other, but if the water in the relationship is always out, then both people feel alone more often than they feel like there is someone at their back. Many people go through years in partnerships where the experience of loneliness is profound. It is something that I struggle with in my own marriage, each of us having a different sense of what togetherness means and how much of it we need.

Showing up for someone doesnít necessarily have anything to do with long and deep conversations, in fact, it is usually about the small details of life where showing up makes the most difference. The day I got a flat tire and my husband came and changed it in his nice work clothes, or the time when he needed a shirt washed and ironed, or the zillions of times when the kid juggling doesnít quite work and he is willing to stop what he is doing to pick up the slack. It communicates volumes of love when you are able to give up your own agenda to show up for someone elseís needs. It is at the heart of what it means to feel safe and loved in a relationship.

Lately I have been witnessing the demise of several relationships with close personal friends. Affairs and divorces always catch you off guard, even when you can see the breakdown of showing up for years before. It is easy to confuse co-existing and showing up. They can look almost the same when we grow accustomed to not allowing ourselves to need and be needed. Co-existing doesnít have the stickiness factor that showing up does, because it happens as a matter of course, not choice.

Showing up or not translates into all the dynamics of a relationship including how and what you communicate and whether you share a passionate physical love. It isnít possible to really open yourself up with either the spoken language or oneís body if you donít feel safe. And so little by little, we say less and less of what we really need to say and in our most intimate times we cover ourselves through distancing and not really being present.

Real passion in intimacy is the product of people who can take risks. It is very different than relying on and replicating how we did it before and it is the biggest way to show up for someone you love. Human sexuality is a mystery of epic proportions! There is no other single act which can so deeply fuse and connect two people so as to transform them and how they relate so completely. Which is why, whether my husband realizes it or not, every time he puts down his evening newspaper to join me in the daily grind of putting another dinner on the table, he is scoring big in my ability to show up later that night.

Two other important points on showing up–donít keep score. It doesnít equal out like other human equations might and only serves to cut at the backbone of the relationship that you are trying to build. The point here is that each person shows up as they can and that both people know when it happens. And last, be grateful for however it happens and whenever it does, you are one of the lucky ones.

Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable,” a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.† In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,† she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice.†It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." †The book is available on ebook.† Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

7 comments

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12:33AM PST on Mar 8, 2012

thanks for the info

10:49AM PDT on Jun 14, 2009

thanks...
Kabin
Konteyner

6:57AM PDT on May 6, 2009

I think the best part of this kind of exchange is that there is no score and that it feels freely giving, without the other person even having to ask, ideally. Not that it's wrong to ask, just feels different.
I love this article.

10:03PM PDT on May 4, 2009

wow! this is exactly what is going on with my boyfriend and me. now to fixing it...

7:30AM PDT on May 4, 2009

My husband didn't show up for almost 20 years. When I finally worked up the courage to stand up for myself and ask him to move into another bedroom, he began to understand my feelings of lonliness. It took 15 months for him to work on his "hiding" issues with a good counselor and a group therapy dynamic, but he is just now beginning to re-emerge as the man I always knew was in there, hiding under the the little boy facade. Thanks for articulating what showing up looks like. I encourage others who are in a relationship where you feel lonely, there's hope! Don't give up!

6:44AM PDT on May 4, 2009

Wow! You are one wise lady. Thank you for talking to folks like you do.

9:17AM PDT on May 1, 2009

yes...

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