Suppressed Emotions and Family Values

Tom had a successful career… in the mafia. He’d been a millionaire, able to have any woman he wanted, and rubbed shoulders with influential people. Yet when he came to see me after a lifetime of alcohol, drugs and crime, he was like a lost child who needed direction. To “succeed” in his world, he’d had to learn to block his emotions, and didn’t know who he was any more.

Tom told me about the time he was a new recruit and he’d agreed, for a substantial sum, to cut his best friend’s ear off because his friend owed money to the Mafia. As he used all his weight to pin his friend down, Tom repeated mechanically, “It’s nothing personal, Jimmy. It’s just business.” Back home, he collapsed into bed and stayed there for two days. When he recovered, he swore to himself he’d never let himself get emotional like that again. He never did cry after that, and moved rapidly through the ranks of “the family.” But after years of that type of life, he couldn’t sleep at night unless he’d had a few drinks, and his only real pleasure came from prostitutes or cocaine, or both.

At 55, broke and alone, Tom started to recognize the Faustian pact that dominated his life. Having cut off his emotions to block out the pain he inflicted on others, he was no longer able to experience the kind of wholesome pleasures essential to growth. After a few months of trying to listen to what his heart was telling him, Tom finally rediscovered his lust for life. He described the warmth of a child’s smile, something he’d never noticed before, and the tears he shed when a young woman whom he’d protected from the Mafia said to him: “Tom, no man has ever done what you just did for me. I’ll never forget that.” Said Tom: “It’s better than winning a hundred grand at poker.”

How many of us have fallen into the same trap as Tom, without realizing it? A manager who no longer cares about the devastating effect of losing a job, who tells himself that the severance package is more than reasonable compensation. A doctor who bows to pressure from the family and forces an old lady into a retirement home, even though he knows that staying in her own home is the most important thing left in her life.

How many of us are suppressing the emotions that make us human? It may have helped us climb the corporate ladder, gain status at work or among our friends, but it has also cut us off from the consequences of our actions. Nowadays we’re discovering how our behavior toward those close to us, whether colleagues or family members, often leads us to cut ourselves off from our feelings. Yes, it’s only through contact with our emotions that we can become whole and fulfilled. That’s the lesson I learned from Tom, and I try to apply it every day of my life.

David Servan-Schreiber is a French psychiatry professor and the author of Healing without Freud or Prozac and Anticancer .

By David Servan-Schreiber, Ode Magazine

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Elizabeth S.

12:16AM PST on Dec 19, 2009

My husband as a child was never taught how to express his emotions as a child and in turn (though partly his natural personality) is very introverted. I'm an extrovert, sometimes to a fault and even though we've been together 4 years (married for 3), he's just now getting to the point where expressing himself and his feelings isn't the blue screen of death (for you computer techies).

Though sometimes expressing one's self is indeed scary as even I have a hard time opening up to the hubby sometimes, not expressing yourself will leave you open to creating a ticking time bomb of suppressed emotions that can explode at the most inopportune times. This is something he's dealt with in the past and thank the Lord, has learned from.

And thank goodness that opposites attract. I know my extroversion has really helped to pull him out of his shell and because of that, this incredibly and increasingly charming man is emerging (even though he was quite charming before). He's more concerned, more thoughtful, more attentive in taking care of me and others. I wonder how drastically the world would change whether for better or for worse if we all expressed ourselves a little more and weren't so confined to such a tiny shell?

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Jethro C.

8:46PM PST on Nov 20, 2009

This was a weal written article. I used to believe that suppressing my emotions and thinking that everything was "just business" would get me up the corporate ladder. Sure, maybe it does but along the way I would begin to lose the things most important to me and the person I really am. I started to waste my life a bit. I also agree with Nicole Z, how kids should be taught to express emotions in a healthy way as it's one of the most important things we can teach the future generations. I enjoyed reading your post.

Rachel L.

8:22PM PST on Nov 20, 2009

The family is sometimes the only people you can count on. It's very sad when depressed children have no one to go to because their family, the few people they trusted and depended on with no doubts, are discouraging sharing feelings or admitting a problem.
I wish I could be there for those kids...

Teresa T.

12:26PM PST on Nov 19, 2009

How was this article about suppressed emotions and "family values"?? "How many of us have fallen into the same trap as Tom, without realizing it?" Tom, the low-life, mafia man? Are you serious? I stopped reading right there. All I could think while reading the story of "Tom" was he deserves whatever emotional and psychological scars he ends up with. KARMA. As you sow, so shall you reap. Payback.

Debby S.

11:08PM PST on Nov 16, 2009

The example in this article is extreme so many of us don't relate to it, but perhaps we should. Every action that we take has an effect on others. If we consume more electricity or gasoline than we need to, we add to the pollution problem and may worsen a child's asthma problems, etc. When we park in a handicapped spot we don't need, we may cause a truly handicapped person to be unable to find a spot and do their shopping, etc. All small things, but all have an effect on others. We all need to be aware of our actions and their possible effect on others at all times.

Judy P.

3:48PM PST on Nov 16, 2009

You know, we've all been living with "supressed emotions" -- by chalking up such things as the Mafia life "just being their way of life" -- (KKK, Jim Crow, gang violence, protitutes, drug dealers and so on); yet, it's only when someone goes on a rampage that we talk about how tragic and in-human those incidents were. Living those types of lifestyles are choices those people made. The fact that he finally looked at himself in the mirrow and saw himself for what he truly was doesn't say to me that he'd learned a lesson (oh, he may have surpressed his emotions all those years) but, tell that to the people he possibly was responsible for loosing their lives and such or his "best friend" who "wasn't supposed to take it personally". This is a product of someone without God in his life -- someone who probably talked with a forked tongue. I'm sorry, I call a spade a spade. You did it for greed and now you've finally found your conscious and people are starting to look like human beings. It's a vast difference in someone doing it for a living, getting caught up and a way of life and someone who just snapped and went on a killing rampage -- Wake up people! The best read I've found is "The Bible". God once winked at ignorance but, He now wants us to know His will and "do it" and stop making excuses for people who's choice to get what he wanted in life was to overpower some poor chump who borrowed and couldn't pay it back.

Nicole Z.

2:18PM PST on Nov 16, 2009

I think it's so important that we teach people from an early age that it's okay to experience emotions, and also teach them how to deal with their emotions. There have been so many examples in the news lately of people who suppress powerful emotions because they don't know how to handle it, and then go on a murderous rampage. How to express emotions in a healthy way is one of the most important life lessons we can teach our kids.

Past Member .

10:56PM PST on Nov 15, 2009

Thanks for such an awesome post. I think emotions have a great values in family life. We should respect other' s emotions. Really nice post i must say ,

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Simon W.

3:16PM PST on Nov 15, 2009

I agree with the author of this article :)

To read more about this, I recommend the books: "Families and How to Survive Them" and "Life and How to Survive It", both by John Cleese and Robin Skynner. : )