Thank You For Betraying Me

It is easy to be grateful for the birth and continued health of my children, the wild blackberries that ripen by the thousands every day in the woods around my home, and that I found — and have enough sense to treasure — the love of my life.

I have a great deal less ease feeling grateful when the children want to visit while I’m trying to write, or their coach adds a tournament to the schedule that conflicts with a workshop I plan to attend, or I receive an email explaining that they haven’t turned in a Spanish project they’ve known about for four months.

The blackberries come with thorns, ticks, and snakes. Meeting my wife was an unexpected and most brilliant development in the previously disastrous and heartbreaking romantic storyline of my life. Best friends sometimes move away, beautiful things sometimes get broken, and far too often it is affirmed that the good really do die young.

In times like these, thankfulness is rarely the first emotion to flood into my body. I can find fear in all of its most common manifestations — anger, depression, jealousy, greed, procrastination, anxiety, confusion, sadness, desperation, etc. — and it is easy to be overwhelmed by them, to feel powerless against what’s being done to me.

This first perception of myself as victim opens a door that, if I believe myself incapable of closing it, welcomes the next one and the next. This could easily become the only life that I can remember having…

The longer I stay there — held in that view of myself as a victim of another person or a situation or an organization — the more disconnected I become from myself. My sense of power, intuition, and magical nature become strangers to me. My integrity morphs into a weapon I begin to use to abuse myself. Eventually, I welcome into my experience new people, things, and experiences that will reinforce this distorted perception of myself as a powerless woman.

The situations I mentioned above are not the worst of them, of course. Women are violated, sometimes even by the ones who were supposed to protect them. Addiction, violence, and betrayal — and the endless fallout from them — seem to be vibrating strongly throughout our society of late. On my mind today are some of the women in my world, including one who, for a thousand understandable but still terrible reasons, hates that she is gay. There is a brilliant and talented single mother with a heart of gold whose former husband is now married to the other woman. And the one who, for today at least, feels like her heart has been broken for good this time.

Today, it is my wish that every Wild One remember this: True freedom comes when we are able to find within us gratitude for all that we have experienced, even the worst of it, because of who it allowed us to become.

14 comments

Duane B.
.3 years ago

Thank you for sharing.

Marianne Barto
MARIA B.4 years ago

When you have been treated unjustly or personnally harmed, the natural emotion is anger/depression.. People lose jobs, lose their homes, lose loved ones.Sometimes hard to overcome.But it is the "past" and we have to move on, no matter how hard it may seem at the time. Trust there was a reason, and we hopefully grow with greater strength, and a better life. Been there many times in my life, and have learned lessons fom them. Hope you can relate also. thanks

Jane Barton
Jane Barton4 years ago

The more I fought back against my oppressors and trusted my own intuition, the more power I gained and it's my voice.

Becky Y.
Rebecca Y.4 years ago

Ah, Christy, you say it so well! People are always asking me how I can be so positive about everything and I am not totally sure except that when I was a little girl, the doctors told my mother (in front of me) that I was going to die and she should put her energies into her other two children. I remember thinking, "Like hell I will." and I began loving every day no matter if I was in pain or not. I did everything I wanted to do and saw the silver lining and I also saw the good in people and voiced my feelings. I cared about everything and still do. I fooled that doctor...I am 74 next month. Ha Ha!

irene fernandez
irene Fernandez4 years ago

" My integrity morphs into a weapon I begin to use to abuse myself " so so many times in the past, fortunately I did come to the realization that everyone of those situations - the good and the bad - are what have gotten me to the path I am on today: to be my trueself
Thankyou for this!!!

Alicia N.
Alicia N.4 years ago

Thanks and good luck C.

Loo Samantha
Loo sam4 years ago

noted

Norma V.
Norma Villarreal4 years ago

Cool....gratitude attitude for experiences that create who we are. I gotta remember that when I feel stressed....

John Pollock
John Pollock4 years ago

"The longer I stay there — held in that view of myself as a victim of another person or a situation or an organization — the more disconnected I become from myself. My sense of power, my intuition, and magical nature become strangers to me."

BOOM!

John Pollock
John Pollock4 years ago

"The longer I stay there — held in that view of myself as a victim of another person or a situation or an organization — the more disconnected I become from myself. My sense of power, my intuition, and magical nature become strangers to me."

Boom!