START A PETITION 25,136,189 members: the world's largest community for good
START A PETITION
x

The #1 Thing Couples Fight About

The #1 Thing Couples Fight About

I opened my Facebook page the other day and a scrolled down to find a video from the Anderson Cooper show, Anderson, featuring the renowned couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, who wrote the best seller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In the clip, various couples illustrate examples of some of his principles, like his “four horsemen of the apocalypse” of impending divorce which are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Cooper then adroitly pops the big question: What is the number one thing that couples fight about? In his own taciturn style, Gottman quickly retorts that he is asked that question all the time and his answer is that couples fight about nothing. Really? He gave an example of a couple arguing over the TV remote. It sounded something like this:

The husband is channel surfing.

Him: Let me see what’s on.

Her: No, leave it on that channel.

Him: Fine!

Her: What do you mean by fine?

Him: Well have it your way. You always have it your way.

Gottman then says, “What are they fighting about? Nothing.” He follows up by saying “They do need to talk about control…” but Anderson is on a roll and cuts him off before he can finish his thought and refers the point to the couples onstage. One of the men pops up with “I can see that.”

At this point I am just a bit staggered by the idea that couples fight about nothing. It’s not that couples don’t fight or don’t fight about small things but my experience with couples tells me that fights are almost always about something. Even Gottman could not come up with an example of a nothing fight. The message here is why bother trying to find out what’s wrong, just chalk it up to nothing.

After I picked myself off the floor with the commentary on the Anderson Cooper show and began to restrain my abhorrence of fluff and entertainment psychologists and my particular disagreement with the good doctor, I thought about what it was that couples do fight about.

Here’s a news flash: couples fight about everything. The actual most frequent topic that couples fight about is money. According to a study done by Smart Money magazine and Redbook, 70 percent of couples talk about money at least once a week. They fight mostly about debt, then spending habits and about saving money for retirement. Ruth Hayden, author of For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples, believes the best choice for keeping money conflict to a minimum is for each person to have some of their own money, which she refers to as “money autonomy.” She also stresses that couples learn how to talk constructively about their values related to money.

Couples also fight about sex, work, children, housework, cell phones, flirting, drinking, drugs, friends, infidelity, trust issues, being on time, responsibility, ambition and success, to name but a few. After pondering the issue that Dr. Gottman brought up, I thought he might have had more success with his statement if he made a distinction between fighting and bickering. I think what he was actually referring to was bickering not fighting. I think couples bicker, but that is not fighting. Couples fight when they not only disagree but they feel hurt or misunderstood, angry, unloved or controlled. Bickering is about annoyance or disagreement and is not usually very fraught with meaning. Fighting is a horse of a different color. The couple Gottman was referring to were actually fighting about something. Couples fight about more substantive issues like self esteem, power, control, helplessness, not feeling loved or not being someone that could be loved.

The statement that the number one thing couples fight about is nothing seems somewhat nonsensical because how can something really be about nothing? Behavior has meaning no matter how small it may seem. We read tone and body language and we can interpret bickering too. It may be about being tired or in a bad mood or something that is simply bothersome, but it’s still about something. At the risk of seeming to be a psychologyphile I must come down on the side of the complexity of human beings. I take umbrage at the notion that interaction is some trinket rather that something meaningful. We can make the argument that sometimes a tree is just a tree, but a tree has roots and they may connect to something more intricate than just the tree. In dealing with couples on a daily basis I have never found it to be true that an argument about who put the top on the toothpaste can be simply that. It may appear that way, but as we pull back the layers we inevitably find something substantive like “do you see me?” or “do I really matter to you?”

Related:
Can a Good Fight Save Your Relationship?
5 Things Couples Should Never Do
Why “Always” and “Never” Hurt Relationships

Read more: Love, Relationships, , ,

have you shared this story yet?

go ahead, give it a little love

Dr. Bill Cloke

Dr. Bill Cloke has worked with individuals and couples for 30 years. He received a master’s degree in education from the University of Southern California and holds a PhD in psychology from California Graduate Institute. A frequent talk-radio and TV psychologist, he is also a contributor to PsychologyToday.com and other popular websites and has lectured at UCLA. Bill Cloke lives with his wife in Los Angeles. To learn more about Bill Cloke, and for more resources on creating healthy, happy relationships, visit happytogetherbook.com.

45 comments

+ add your own
10:24AM PDT on Sep 3, 2014

Occasional bickering is okay....its that long pause of silence after a doozy that should be of concern because it usually means someone is planning your imminent demise ;O)

1:26AM PST on Mar 6, 2013

Thank you :)

11:50AM PDT on Jul 14, 2012

Well said. Thank you.

7:25AM PDT on Jul 11, 2012

interesting

11:33PM PDT on Jul 9, 2012

Couples can fight about anything and everything and they do. Sometimes its an underlying problem, sometimes its a mood related problem or even the results of a lack of sleep. Its a normal event, and the result is usually a wonderful making-up love session.

7:25AM PDT on Jul 3, 2012

thanks for sharing.

12:02PM PDT on Jun 28, 2012

Well said!

12:09PM PDT on Jun 26, 2012

The line that couples "fight about nothing" is pretty funny and often very accurate. But, often when couples fight, it's not because of what's happening in the moment, but what happened a long time ago; so the debate about the remote control is really a debate about what happened on vacation a month ago. I was actually looking for articles about fighting about money. Despite the semantics, couples really do fight about it. But they fight about what money means and how they see it differently versus how much they spent on x, y or z in many cases. On that note, I really like www.moneyhabitudes.com as a way for couples to talk about money, understand each other around money and NOT FIGHT ABOUT MONEY. It's a good way to start the money conversation and learn to respect each other when it comes to finances and saving and spending ... so you don't keep getting into those debates about "nothing."

6:33AM PDT on Jun 25, 2012

not married yet, but good to know

11:11PM PDT on Jun 24, 2012

I wish I knew about the "4 horsemen of the apocolypse prior to marrying my now ex-husband. He displayed all of these while we were dating. I was so young and naive then.

add your comment



Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

people are talking

Bless serendipities!

Glad not to eat meat!! But if I did, it would be organic, grass-fed, and I'd buy my chickens at a lo…

Story idea? Want to blog? Contact the editors!



Select names from your address book   |   Help
   

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.