As a gynecologist who also happens to be more bouncy cheerleader than stuffed shirt, I’m pretty much the beck-and-call girl for most of my girlfriends when it comes to girly parts and the questions you’d only ask your gynecologist if she was your best friend. Which means I also get asked to tell stories at parties, the way I did in “Gyno Guzzling: A Vagina Drinking Game”.
I happen to love vaginas, so my goal is not to be irreverent or make fun of people who have suffered from vaginal misfortune, but it does happen to make for fun dinnertime conversation, as those who have been to my dinner parties can attest. But for those of you who have missed my dinner parties, I wanted to invite you to sit down with a group of friends, pour yourself a glass of wine, and respectfully honor some of the women who have come across my radar in the ten years I practiced gynecology. So here’s a toast. And a warning. This post is not for the faint of heart. To VAGINAS!
You Stole My Labia
One of my patients sued me for stealing her labia. Swear to God. I performed a standard gynecologic procedure, and I swear I didn’t steal any body parts, but a few days after I met her, another doctor called my office and said, “I’ve got this woman here, Mabel Nile. She says you removed her uterus and her bladder and cut off her labia and licked her clitoris, with no anesthesia, right there in your office. But I took a look at her, and all her parts appear to be where they’re supposed to be. What did you do to her, anyway?”
A few days later, I got a letter from Mabel, addressed to “Dr. Rankinstein.” On the outside of the envelope was a child-like drawing of a spiky instrument next to two little rectangular boxes. Written on the envelope in red pen was, “You have something of mine, and I want it back.” Inside, I found a note, handwritten on lined notebook paper with scratchy, halting letters. “You stole my labia. Where did you put them? In the lab?”
A few weeks later, I received a notice that Mabel was suing me for stealing her labia. When I showed up in court, Mabel was already sitting on the other side at the plaintiff’s table. The judge said, “Ms. Nile. Please state your case.”
“That doctor…” She turned and pointed a sausage finger at me. “SHE STOLE MY LABIA!” she yelled, slamming her fists on the podium. “She’s got ‘em in a jar somewhere. In the lab. They’re gone. Wanna see?” She started to pull down her plaid pants. “SHE’S HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE! I just want my labia! TELL HER TO GIVE ME BACK MY LABIA!” she bellowed. The bailiff stood up beside her, but the judge shook her head. Mabel stared into space, and the judge asked her to take her seat.
The judge shook her head and ruled in my favor. I won my counter-suit for malicious prosecution, and Mabel still owes me $100.
That was many years ago, and I have long since forgiven Mabel. I hope she found help, and most of all, I hope she finally discovered that her labia are right there between her legs, where they’ve been all along.