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The Mysterious O: Desire

The Mysterious O: Desire

Everyone wants to orgasm. This is just a fact of life and nature. Long ago, before pornography was everywhere, desire and lust still held a formative place in our human sexuality makeup, but we all had a little more room to imagine orgasmic experience and less to compare ourselves to. With the advent of internet pornography, you can witness orgasm on demand, but that doesn’t mean you can make yourself, or anyone else have one. There in lies the conundrum of orgasm.

Of all the coveted human experiences, what makes orgasm so elusive is that it cannot be forced. Even many methods of cajoling seem to backfire. Desperation and orgasm are strange bedfellows. Here we only need to unleash our imagination for a moment and it is clear how much sexual behavior lives in this odd coupling-faking, purchasing, role playing, submitting, dominating, what we will not do for an orgasm is somewhat astounding. Several great sex therapists that I know, tell me that the quest can cost many people their relationship. Orgasm almost becomes the oxymoron in this situation when it is the relationship itself which is given as the fertile ground to grow and nurture the comfort with our sexuality which opens the door to orgasm.

It isn’t that surprising then, that statistically, your chances of having an orgasm are much better on your own than with a partner. Letting go of your judgments about sexuality, yours and others is easier to do for many people than digging deep into the fears and insecurities that most of us carry about our sexual history, preferences and behaviors. Many people spend their lives married to people with whom they can’t even say the word “masturbate” let alone imagine sharing the act. When we can’t disclose our sexuality, it holds us and our orgasm hostage.

Being able to orgasm with someone, or for that matter by yourself, requires safety. It is the most exciting letting go available to us. Where could we be more vulnerable than in the ecstatic release of one’s center? Being able to find a language to explore the kinds of touch that are stimulating, allowing the strange fantasies that lurk in all of us, and letting your body lead you into feelings that you don’t and can’t control are all essential to experiencing orgasm that transforms.

It doesn’t work to focus on orgasm as the finish line. Aiming for it makes the journey anxiety ridden and makes you forget that you are on a journey. Often times it is the smallest of details that can push you to a place that you didn’t know was in you. But you can’t feel that place if you are looking for something big ahead of you. Presence is nothing if not the key to our sexual selves.

There are probably as many different types of orgasms as there are people who experience them. Great books abound on the many techniques that can facilitate them. Certainly there are literally millions of opportunities to witness them. For me, orgasm is a journey that always brings me back to my center.

Tomorrow, The Mysterious O: Getting There

Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable,” a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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3:00AM PDT on Apr 10, 2013


2:24AM PDT on Aug 28, 2012


1:45AM PST on Feb 10, 2012

Good Lord people, does EVERY forum become a chance to slam Christianity? Unreal and simply childish! I mean honestly Jane B ~ this is a sickness with you! Give it a rest already! I am a Christian who believes that God wants you to have great sex, and I am not the only one who believes this!

3:23AM PST on Feb 6, 2012

Masturbation is good, Sex is Great! Orgasm by means of combining the two is Fantastic!! Anyone who disputes that is not doing it right, or is a frigid, frightened being who probably can't stand the sight of a naked human body. Sex aversion is not normal - go see a shrink!!

11:42AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Imaginary "God" is the antithesis of orgasm. Bring Jesus into it and you'll NEVER have one.
Religious people are too busy dreaming about death. This article really nailed it, orgasm is
MENTAL, at least it STARTS in the mind. Desire resides in the subconscious mind. If the chemistry is there, then the physical boner will come. It's not rocket science, it's natural. It's a chain reaction. Lay eyes on your lover which triggers a flood of love hormones into your bloodstream which sends a tingly feeling down below. All kinds of outside stress can kill it,
"relationships" themselves being the main thing. Marriage is the worst because both people feel trapped and it usually ends badly. So marriage is the first thing to get rid of, then fear and anxiety, then infidelity but not necessarily in that order. Only a deep sense of trust can allow us to let down our walls. From statistics only 1 million out of 310 million people find that. It's that mythical thing called "love" and it seems to be temporary if we find it at all.

10:42AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Angelica is right.

10:41AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

Randolph, what is spiritual about the most disgusting thing in the world?!

10:40AM PST on Feb 4, 2012


8:43PM PDT on Jun 14, 2009

3:10PM PDT on Apr 20, 2009

Jesus has nothing to do with orgasms.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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