http://www.care2.com/greenliving/the-mysterious-o-desire.html
The Mysterious O: Desire
Everyone wants to orgasm. This is just a fact of life and nature. Long ago, before pornography was everywhere, desire and lust still held a formative place in our human sexuality makeup, but we all had a little more room to imagine orgasmic experience and less to compare ourselves to. With the advent of internet pornography, you can witness orgasm on demand, but that doesn’t mean you can make yourself, or anyone else have one. There in lies the conundrum of orgasm.
Of all the coveted human experiences, what makes orgasm so elusive is that it cannot be forced. Even many methods of cajoling seem to backfire. Desperation and orgasm are strange bedfellows. Here we only need to unleash our imagination for a moment and it is clear how much sexual behavior lives in this odd coupling-faking, purchasing, role playing, submitting, dominating, what we will not do for an orgasm is somewhat astounding. Several great sex therapists that I know, tell me that the quest can cost many people their relationship. Orgasm almost becomes the oxymoron in this situation when it is the relationship itself which is given as the fertile ground to grow and nurture the comfort with our sexuality which opens the door to orgasm.
It isn’t that surprising then, that statistically, your chances of having an orgasm are much better on your own than with a partner. Letting go of your judgments about sexuality, yours and others is easier to do for many people than digging deep into the fears and insecurities that most of us carry about our sexual history, preferences and behaviors. Many people spend their lives married to people with whom they can’t even say the word “masturbate” let alone imagine sharing the act. When we can’t disclose our sexuality, it holds us and our orgasm hostage.
Being able to orgasm with someone, or for that matter by yourself, requires safety. It is the most exciting letting go available to us. Where could we be more vulnerable than in the ecstatic release of one’s center? Being able to find a language to explore the kinds of touch that are stimulating, allowing the strange fantasies that lurk in all of us, and letting your body lead you into feelings that you don’t and can’t control are all essential to experiencing orgasm that transforms.
It doesn’t work to focus on orgasm as the finish line. Aiming for it makes the journey anxiety ridden and makes you forget that you are on a journey. Often times it is the smallest of details that can push you to a place that you didn’t know was in you. But you can’t feel that place if you are looking for something big ahead of you. Presence is nothing if not the key to our sexual selves.
There are probably as many different types of orgasms as there are people who experience them. Great books abound on the many techniques that can facilitate them. Certainly there are literally millions of opportunities to witness them. For me, orgasm is a journey that always brings me back to my center.
Tomorrow, The Mysterious O: Getting There
Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable,” a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.
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Jesus has nothing to do with orgasms.
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People who only worry about orgasm for sake of orgasm are swingers.
Since this is a forum for spiritually oriented people who are willing to think beyond animal instincts towards higher human purpose, we should all consider the higher spiritual purpose attached to the sexual function.
Jimmy A. is the most correct one here. I'm here to take you a step further.
The sexual function between 2 people who love each other is for healing. Love is healing. The orgasm is the carrier wave for your love for our partners to heal when they feel affliction.
Gentlemen, our function is the health and well being of our partners. We are responsible for bringing them completely to the 9th wave. The 4th wave is incomplete. We have to bring them to the 9th wave or else the woman experiences problems. It is our duty and our privelege to keep our partners healthy, happy, and satisfied.
It is God's Will that we use the sexual function to the manifest the love consciousness on this planet for healing each other. Anything less and we are just dogs barking for the sake of barking.
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My partner stimulating my intellect along with my emotions and physical self is what has achieved some of my greatest O's! I am a woman full of passion for life and when my partner tapes into that and supports me in what I am feeling, telling me it is okay to "let it out" the sex is incredible and earth shattering. If only everyone could experience that just once, it is life changing.
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To Jonathan B. You have a very nice webpage about yourself, but I think your views on what has gone wrong in people's marriages isn't right at all. I think it is most apparent that most marriages that last, do so b/c they are made up of two emotionally intelligent, healthy people who have the true intention and commitment to make it work. However, there are many people that are psychologically unhealthy and that is why their marriages fail. Not all marriages work out, and of those that stay together, not all should. Sex can be a v. important component in a marriage, and unlike the past, one does not have to stay in a sexless marriage. Regardless, I feel safe in my marriage knowing the kind of commitment my husband and I have. I also feel safe by having divorce as an option if we become miserable for decades. The problem is not divorce, but divorces taken lightly.
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I think there are two parts to a strong relationship. There is the part where you are good friends and can trust each other and love one another as people. Then there is the entirely physical, inexplicable and biological lust for one another. Without either of these, a relationship can have general difficulties or a slight lack of connection/full communication. You have to know and be in tune with each other in a much deeper and instinctual sense.
Sexuality holds a much more important role that most society recognizes. It is, after all nature's purpose for relationships in the first place.
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As a single person who is not in a relationship, I am not in a position to say how to achieve a big "O", but I can say something about what is keeping people from reaching that point.
First, the U.S. is becoming more and more a hostile place to close and intimate relationships between people, due to the expansion of law to help people to punish their partners for bad behavior.
If you are a man married to a woman, you cannot feel safe, because you know that any behavior that irritates/aggravates the woman can lead to a fast divorce that will lead to permanent loss of financial status, and children.
If you are a woman married to a man, anything you say or do that irritates or antagonizes the man can lead to fast infidelity, with the man hooking up with a "backup" woman before the end of the day.
This infidelity occurs because the U.S. culture operates outside faith held in the past, and the social controls against cheating, and has accepted sociopathic self centered behavior that exists throughout our society.
Therefore, neither men or women in marriage or relationship can feel safe and secure in intimate relations.
Fear and anxiety are "O" killers because the people involved with each other understand that they are constantly being judged, watched, and punished for their behavior, which makes relaxation and joy unreachable.
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Wow! I sincerely, but humbly disagree with many of you, concerning your opinions on orgasm and the coupling of it with masturbation. A true orgasm comes from a deep intimacy with your husband or wife; it is a connection on not only a physical level, but also a mental, emotional, and spriitual connection. If even one of those components is missing, it's usually less than... The best sexual experiences that my wife and I have had are when she and I are strongly rooted in our relationship with one another and our relationship with Jesus. There's no substitute for that.
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I wish it was socially acceptable to speak more openly about sexual matters. My partner and I were of a generation where you didn't mention it. Ever. And parents wonder why 15 year olds have babies?
Recent studies in China showed that people of our generation were so sexually uneducated that they thought touching their knees together when they slept was sex and didn't understand why they didn't have children.
I have been masturbating since I was a child. I LOVE talking with my partner about what excites him, but he can't talk about it. Personally, I don't care if I'm alone or with someone else, I'll have an orgasm and (usually because of this), he will too. Or he will anyway. Maybe I'll have lots!
I've lost my desire to masturbate since being told I don't make eggs; hence can't have a baby. I have not lost my need for the physical intimacy that comes with sex; nor my desire to have sex with my partner. Orgasms are still wonderful when I have them.
I'm sure that eventually this mild situational depression will end and I'll be fightin' off the desire to "rub 'em out" all the time again. But for now, I'll just work and support my "family" (cats and dogs and partner) until I can determine the next direction of my life.
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It's so painful to have the mental desire for your partner but to have the physical arousal out of reach. I never used to have this problem, now only through fantasy can my body become aroused. It makes me so sad but I find it so hard to talk to my husband about... how could he not take it personally?
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