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The Mysterious O: Extending Life and Love

The Mysterious O: Extending Life and Love

Having regular orgasms will extend your life and provide the basis for more long lasting relationships. Recent studies have confirmed the link between longevity and orgasm frequency. We know that people who enjoy a regular, satisfying sex life (ie. regular orgasms) are less stressed, less depressed and generally more well physically, mentally and emotionally. This level of satisfaction and well being is reflected in the partnerships in which they are shared. The depth of connection and the bonds of trust that shared orgasmic experiences builds into a relationship is a visceral insurance policy for long term commitments.

The majority of people who leave their relationships site sexual incompatibility as a primary impetus to leave. It is so common as to be cliché, that many people in long term relationships reach an impasse of sorts about their individual and connected sex drives. The pulley of sexual attraction and arousal is not static, the swing between feeling desirable and connected in a relationship is in continuous flux and reflects the health of the entire relationship, not just its sexual side. Overcoming the initiation argument begins when both people stop keeping score. Agreeing to harness the frustration and apply it towards building solutions is much more likely to move you towards shared pleasure.

One of the most common blocks to a shared orgasmic experience is the strangely common practice of faking orgasm. Studies site as many as 60% of women have faked an orgasm and this practice is not limited only to women. The reasons for faking orgasm are complex. Whether it is because you feel like you can’t perform, or that you can’t open up to that level of vulnerability or that by faking you feel like you can end the intimacy, what results is the most serious of breaches in trust. Faking orgasm is a lie and it leads the person who is trying to love you and bring you pleasure to feeling like s/he cannot trust the messages s/he is hearing. Breaching trust at this deeply naked level of vulnerability cannot help but seep into the other aspects of the relationship.

Many women mistakenly believe that their pleasure doesn’t matter, or they don’t want to burden their partner in their own frustrated search for that mysterious and powerful orgasmic release. Real conversation about these issues is sexy. It communicates that you are invested and trust your partner enough to be vulnerable about this most deeply held desire. Just for the record, most men get more pleasure and sense of mastery from helping a woman they love to orgasm than their own climax. Working together to find the path to individual orgasm is the most intimate sharing that exists. It changes everything in a relationship.

Finding a language to talk about your sexuality for most people is the stumbling block. It is one area in life where taking responsibility for the problem is shaming, so we often go into a default mode of blaming. With that slip, it is easy to believe that change is impossible and to feel caught in a no-win situation. As in any other area of personal development, clarity is everything. Take the time to think about or write down your own personal sexual history including orgasmic experience. Share these notes with your partner and often even unwilling partners will often begin to open up. Set a couple of shared goals, mysterious as our sexual selves may be, they respond to dialogue as any other part of our life. For many couples making efforts to de-stress their lives can have remarkable effects on their ability to be intimate.

Discovering pleasure together is like pouring cement into a foundation. Physical touch that leads to ecstatic release not only releases hormones and endorphins that promote health and longevity, but also serve as the basis of biological bonding. Knowing that you have the ability to reach someone in this most intimate of ways is one of the most significant sources of self esteem that relationships afford. There is a strange coincidence between the percentages of people who don’t orgasm and the percentage of people who divorce. While, sharing orgasm is not enough to keep a relationship alive, the inability to move towards it, is enough to kill it. There is no other single work in life that will repay you so profoundly each and every time you share it.

Tomorrow, The Mysterious O: Lifting the Mystery

Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable,” a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

14 comments

+ add your own
3:18AM PST on Jan 15, 2012

disgusting

10:59PM PST on Jan 14, 2012

Thanks for the article.

3:38AM PST on Feb 16, 2010

It amazes me how many people don't realise that it isn't a question of if we can extend our lives dramatically but a question of when the first piece of life extending science becomes available. If you assume that within 10 years a drug borne from research such as this will hit the market that will extend life by 10%, then within the next 10 years after that, another drug will become available, or another piece of science will arise perhaps in the realm of genetics that extends life further or indeed reverses the effects of aging.

m3 real

10:23AM PST on Nov 7, 2009

Read here about Deliberate Orgasm
It is a way to create orgasm every time in a woman's body. Simple and leads to more fun and intimacy together.
Thank you

8:40PM PDT on Jun 14, 2009

thanks...you...
Kabin
Konteyner

8:58AM PDT on May 26, 2009

How do I find out more about this technique? I have done it "accidently" for myself a few time, but would love to be able to do it everytime. My problem is that my husband is shy and I have a tendency to become more aggressive the more aroused I become, so I want to make the best of my orgasms when I get them. We are going thru a "male loss of interest" phase right now, so I am attempting to "make do" until his interest comes back.

5:27PM PDT on Apr 18, 2009

Overall I think there is some great content and commentary here.

It is also great that you mention how much many men, real men anyway, care about their partner having an orgasm, because underneath it all men want the satisfaction of feeling like they did it, even if the women does most of the work. Call it male insecurity, call it showing off, whatever, but the underlying fact is that sex is also much better even just for the man after the woman has had her first orgasm.

One thing I would like to add and stress much more highly is that sexual communication and understanding is critical in overcoming orgasmic difficulties.

It is very important that people communicate in a way that is non-threatening and non-judgmental because the surest way to turn your partner off to an idea is to try to guilt trip them into things.

I also have to agree that far too many people become sexually involved far too quickly, usually as a result of some intoxicant or their own insecurities and inability to resist the brainwashing of popular media and advertising which makes many feel bad if they are not sexually active and happy.

Sexual obsession and adopting the mythical and foolish attitudes of popular culture is also a leading impediment to a satisfying sex life with or without orgasms.

7:05PM PDT on Apr 17, 2009

I am a girl who figured out how to masturbate pretty early on (like probably about six), by accident. But I think it would have been nice to have been taught that it was OK and nothing to be ashamed of.

9:01AM PDT on Apr 17, 2009

"most men get more pleasure and sense of mastery from helping a woman they love to orgasm than their own climax"

Gosh, that was my very own comment the very first article.

"cultural brainwashing" There are many religious sects that still teach that sex is for procreation. Children are not taught sexual education in schools. There are still cultural lies going around to help coerce young women to have sex with young men just to pleasure the male, with no concern to the female's pleasure.

1. lack of release for a male leads to "blue balls" -- then why don't men with vasectomies suffer?

2. if you love me you will make me happy -- the clitoris has over 8,000 nerve bundles; this is TWICE as many as the penis.

3. it's not the same for boys/men -- again the clitoris has over 8,000 nerve bundles; this is TWICE as many as the penis.

Boys figure out how to masturbate rather easily. It's a sort of given. Not girls. They need to be taught. I think this should be taught by professionals.

I think we should start teaching our young men that if they want young women to have sex with them for their own pleasure, they should bribe her by sexually pleasing her FIRST!!

8:17AM PDT on Apr 17, 2009

This is very informative, but the reality is that a lot of people "settle" for very incompatible relationships because of cultural brainwashing, getting sexually involved prematurely before even really getting to know the other person, then feeling compelled to stay because they do not want to be considered a "slut". Sex is wonderful, but should not be the end-all-be-all. After all, how many times have we been subjected to bozos whining about how their partner is a total jerk, but "great in bed"? Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking the orgasm aspect, but having had been in a previous relationship where sex was almost the complete focus and feeling empty and discounted outside of that, I'd prefer having the total package. Orgasm is the icing on the cake. But that's just me.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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