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The Non-Violent Communication Process

The Non-Violent Communication Process

To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas–referred to as the four components of the NVC (non-violent communication) model.

First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation–to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.

Four components of NVC:

1. observation
2. feeling
3. needs
4. request

Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.

For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common.”

She would follow immediately with the fourth component–a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.

Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life.

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Mel, selected from Natural Solutions magazine

Natural Solutions: Vibrant Health, Balanced Living offers its readers the latest news on health conditions, herbs and supplements, natural beauty products, healing foods and conscious living.

25 comments

+ add your own
9:34AM PDT on Mar 14, 2013

great ideas

4:20AM PDT on Mar 14, 2013

Thanks

2:45AM PDT on Mar 14, 2013

Too bad MORE people don't do this! Thanks for GREAT information!

2:16AM PDT on Mar 14, 2013

Thanks

9:34AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

Great reminders--thanks!

10:21AM PDT on Jun 14, 2009

thanks...
Kabin
Konteyner

3:05PM PDT on Jun 9, 2009

The World is already overpopulated, and nothing, not even NVC will help to avoid war and bloodshed. Interestingly it is always "the others" who provoke US, so how can more episodes such as Vietnam, Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan be avoided in the future?

12:03AM PDT on Jun 8, 2009

Thanks Mel!

4:32PM PDT on Jun 2, 2009

Great tool also the "I" statement, however when dealing with teens and request “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” I get "If I remember/NO/OK" but it is not done. So what do I say/do then?

2:03PM PDT on Jun 2, 2009

good advice, lots of grownup children pass through our home while down on their luck, communication is the only way to keep the stress down. too many people let things get to a boiling point and just explode. talking things through before they get bad would probably add years to the lives of those involved. thanks added to my favs.

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