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The Number One Skill For Sexual Intimacy: Speaking Desire

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The Number One Skill For Sexual Intimacy: Speaking Desire

There is one constant of human experience, and that is never having all of what you want.  The practice of  learning to be happy while not yet having all you want is the key to living a life filled with joy. If you can nail this, for the rest of your life people will be asking you, How do you maintain that glow?  Desire and even yearning is a beautiful thing.

A very important part of this practice is not only to be able to name your desire, but to distinguish the  difference between knowing and owning your desire and actually acting on it.

Learning how to speak your desires is an incredible life skill to master. And learning to speak your desires does not always mean getting them fulfilled. In fact, we may have many desires that we don’t really want to have granted, and learning to speak our desires and not having them fulfilled is all a part of this practice. One of the many practices I learned recently from Deepak Chopra and David Ji at The Chopra Center was to ask the three soul questions as a part of my morning meditation. The questions were simple and we spoke them to ourselves (what a great practice!).  They were: “Who am I?”, “What do I want?” and  “What is my life’s purpose?” Consider asking yourself these questions before you meditate in the morning. It is a great way to practice talking with yourself and the universe about your desires and getting in touch with me.

Another great way to practice  getting in touch with your desires is to learn how to state them. Such as “I really want to feel my husband throw me on the bed and make love to me the next time he walks past me folding the laundry.” Now how do we communicate that to ourselves, and our partners as a statement of desire? It could go like this “Honey – I really want to feel desired by you. Sometimes I think about what it could be like to feel you want me so badly that you would interrupt anything I am doing so that you can make love to me.” Now…that is NOT a request – it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like “Darling, when you see me doing a household task will you please grab me,  throw me over your shoulder?” Or “Honey, I would like you to throw me onto the bed and make love to me.” That is a request.

The difference is that in stating one’s desire, the “other” does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy, connection and offering your partner good information. But it is your desire. You own it and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it. There is no rejection in it for you, as you are not left hanging waiting for action.

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites and her daily blog,, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.


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4:34PM PDT on Mar 23, 2015

Thanks for sharing.

11:43AM PDT on May 29, 2012

When i read this kind of article, about lack of intimate communication in married couples, i wonder if those marriages are arranged?? lol, hey if u met when u were single and had a lot of sex what is the big problem after u get married. What kills the sex drive? the bills? the responsibilities? the commitment? Think about that.

3:20AM PDT on May 12, 2012

Sex is the most disgusting thing in the world!

3:19AM PDT on May 12, 2012

Mari, I'm not stupid. I'm just disgusted buy this load of pornography on Care2.

4:32PM PDT on Apr 27, 2012

The real ideal is in knowing that you are joining as one. Thus asking yourself, would you want to go unpleasured?

1:21AM PDT on Apr 27, 2012

This is a basic part of communication, and communication is vital in relationships. If you don't let your partner know what you want, then it is very unlikely you will get much of what you want in relationships. In a healthy relationship, you want your partner to be happy and your partner wants you to be happy, so you are both motivated to try to give each other things you want when feasible and reasonable. If one or both of you does not care about the happiness of the other, then the relationship is badly broken and needs to either get professional help or be dissolved.

9:36PM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

whatever language you speak in for that matter!

9:34PM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

The english language is a beautiful thing...use it.
You won't be sorry.

5:50AM PDT on Apr 17, 2012

Many thoughts on this one. I'm all for communication very important. However if a partner is not open to that kind of dialogue ... my former husband said he didn't haveanyone talk to him before and he never had complaints before so in his mind he saw as such.I think if you do it as stated above you should be paid for your services as in being a therapist.( yea I know what some of you were going with that statement ).
I found sharing eachother fantasy allows your partner to contribute via communicating with eachother but willingness to chose to create fulfillment of eachothers desires. Everyone has fantasies. Just saying :-)

5:08PM PDT on Apr 16, 2012

Talking and communication is a key to any relationship and the overall quality of the relationship is a key to the quality of sex in a long-term relationship.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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