Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex. –Henry Ellis
Appreciating the joys of living in a body of flesh and blood literally begins with the euphoric recognition of what it is to be a sexual being. From the tiniest of sensations on the skin to the perfectly placed nerve endings in our most erogenous zones, we are bodies molecularly designed to experience profound pleasure, deep connection and the ability to procreate all within the same remarkable, mysterious, life-changing act.
For me, one of the most mysterious and gratifying parts of being sexual is how it allows me to leave the boundaries of the normal day behind. I am not sure where the sexy woman in me hides out in all the endless chores of tending to home and family; I can tell you that she is not the woman who is coordinating the kids schedules, planning the meals, driving in circles between schools and sports or even the woman who keeps Good Clean Love going everyday. Often I have to dig deep to find that crazy sexy part of me, but I keep the door always open for her because it is the only time in this predictable life of mine when I never know what will happen next.
In the world we live in today opening the gate for the sexual can mean wild “swinging” interludes, wide-ranging pornographic video tours, sexuality cruises (yes, there are), or studying sexuality techniques in certified week-long seminars. Probably the most fascinating part of my work with Good Clean Love is being introduced to the unexpected range of what we humans create and participate in to stimulate the sexual. Truly it goes beyond imagination. Case in point, I once met a very tall man named Morpheus, who was the planner for a 2-day sexual event in the Convention Center in New Jersey. We were at a 70′s theme party at the AASECT convention and as he was explaining how the event was organized–in visual or participatory rooms–he was picking up all the Pop Rocks candy in the room. I eyed him, and he said, “You know where these will really rock you?” Truly, it had never occurred to me before that moment.
For me, all I have to do is open up the flood gates of my imagination and add a little about what I have learned about sex throughout history. Intimacy and orgasm provides a fluid identity that lets me slide through historical periods and questionable couplings with ease and without question. I rarely leave my bedroom and I am always with the same man, but when I let myself go on the crazy ride through my sexual mind, I tap into passionate experiences and outrageous relationships that would certainly otherwise shock or shame me. What I have come to realize as I have become more and more accepting of my own fantasy world is that the roles of domination and submission that define adult content exist in all of us, and giving your relationship an opportunity to experience them, even if they are never uttered aloud, can dislodge the day-to-day constraints of conjugal life quickly and completely.
Having the freedom to be your sexual self and delve into the crazy fantasies that live far outside the margins of our day-to-day life takes a visceral sense of safety with yourself and your relationship. The bigger the leap, the greater the risk, but if you take no leap–then don’t expect to see fireworks. Passionate fantastical sex is inseparable from the risk and mystery that creates it. This is why the illicit affair is always so steamy, the sex might not even be that good, but add a dose of the forbidden and suddenly it is full of flame.
Allowing risk into your sex life is prerequisite for the surprising and shocking sex that makes sex–sexy. So don’t go into the deep end if you don’t know how to swim. But definitely start wading in, the water is fine.
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.