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The Silent Suffering of Divorce

The Silent Suffering of Divorce


Lately, all I see is the social fabric shredding around me. It began with one of my oldest therapeutic relationships. This is a doctor I have been seeing for close to 14 years.  Acupuncture, naturopathic and polarity therapy all rolled into a therapeutic hour of deep listening and honest reflecting. I always left his office feeling healed and witnessed. I walked in last week and barely recognized my doctor who is also my friend. Accustomed to his usual, “What do you want to work on?” I looked up ready to list my usual complaints and was stunned by the frail shadow of him — “what’s wrong– what has happened?” I thought someone had died.

He shook a little as he told me that his wife left him, or rather, told him to leave. It was a death — he had loved this woman for more than 30 years. He didn’t know what had happened. This is terrifyingly not uncommon, this leaving that one partner is so clear about and the other has no idea of the calamity about to befall them. Many people believe it is a reflection of gender and developmental differences. While that may be true, there is also a serious shortage of real communicating and listening going on.

In the days that followed it seemed almost everywhere I went, I ran into an old friend or someone I had know while raising my kids who was somewhere in the process of divorce. One woman had been a fellow soccer mom for years and I asked how her boys were.   She said,  “now, years later they’re doing OK, but then it was like the world came apart for them. It was terribly painful. We should have used more of your love juice…”

Another old acquaintance was looking at cakes when I saw her in the grocery store. Her twins were in school with my older son. She had also been with her husband for decades. Their divorce was 6 months old and her daughter was away at school and really struggling with it. What do I say? “ I am sorry,….congratulations?” I couldn’t even ask how her husband was and it seems we can never ask why. I only learned that he was alone now in the huge beautiful house they shared and raised their kids in by the park.

I hear these stories and read about the demise of men and family in a culture that accepts divorce as a matter of course. Rarely do we discuss the impact divorce has in our culture. There are few other disruptions in life that impact our ability to work, to think and even our health as deeply and as long. The impact on children is far-reaching and often debilitating in ways that sometimes are not witnessed for years. Even more invisibly, the divorces that tear apart families also shred the fabric of our communities.

Lately I feel like a stranger from a distant land. Here on my soap box, all I can see is how much love we need, how much we all need to learn how to love more.

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Read more: Blogs, Love, Relationships, Wendy's Positivity Quest,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
9:11AM PDT on Aug 28, 2012

The option of divorce is a good thing, especially in cases like Shan D. described.

3:31PM PST on Jan 11, 2012

Thanks for sharing.

3:30PM PST on Jan 11, 2012

Things change in a marriage and if your husband or wife left you with someone younger, than they weren't meant for you because your real life partner is much better.

10:31AM PST on Dec 7, 2011


5:26AM PST on Dec 7, 2011

I and all my friends who experienced their parents divorce were glad - better separate.

9:20PM PST on Dec 5, 2011

In an age with a 50% divorce rate I don't know why I was so shocked and devastated when my husband of 18 years told me wanted a divorce to be with a younger woman, someone he'd been seeing behind my back for 6 years. Part of it was the sense of failure, and anger because I was presented with a fait accompli without having a chance to try therapy or anything else. I;m doing better now, although there is still sadness that someone I spent almost half my life with is now a mere acquaintance, not even a friend.

8:35PM PST on Dec 5, 2011

Thanks much ..when someone tells me they are divorced I never know whether to congrate them or show sorrow ..:(


5:20PM PST on Dec 5, 2011

Thanks for this.

2:16PM PST on Dec 5, 2011

My parents divorce way back in 1974 STILL hurts me (and now my kids) particularly this time of year...when families are suppose to be together and I don't have a family to be together.... I have 2 half families with a bunch of unwelcome step-monsters, ruining both halves.

6:05AM PST on Dec 5, 2011

Very sad...

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