The 3 Dangers In Relationship

There are many ways to stumble in relationships, but a pattern of avoiding conflict is a huge one. What are the three dangers related to this avoidance pattern that we internalize and silence so that it grows in dark places like bacteria to become infected, hence to go on and destroy the relationship? Learn from these three dangers, here:

The first danger appears when, without having the courage to speak to those we are in conflict with, without the strength to inquire into the situation and gain as many views of what happened as possible, we start to fill in the spaces all by ourselves.

The second danger, worse than the first, and that comes from letting our made-up story harden into the history out of which we live. As time goes by, it becomes harder and harder to break the grip of our made-up story, and the more we hold on to our own uncorroborated version of things, the more difficult it is to restore relationships.

The third danger arises in which we cease to know the difference between what really happened and our fictional version of it. The French playwright Andre Gide puts it harshly, but to the point, “The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who starts to lie with sincerity.”

Adapted from Facing the Lion, Being the Lion by Mark Nepo (Conari Press, 2007). Copyright (c) 2007 by Mark Nepo. Reprinted by permission of Conari Press.
Adapted from Facing the Lion, Being the Lion by Mark Nepo (Conari Press, 2007).

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Michele W.

8:50AM PDT on Mar 18, 2012

Thank you

send a green star

Janis J.

8:45AM PDT on Mar 18, 2012

I think the biggest problem in relationships is being selfish. If you always want to be right, you will lose. A marriage is not a battle. Compromise, compromise, compromise

8:43AM PDT on Mar 18, 2012

Jennifer C.

6:11PM PDT on Mar 13, 2012

Thanks for the post.

Hartson D.

9:51AM PST on Mar 9, 2012

Mt wife of 40 years lived in a made up reality. She transferred this onto me. After my children were grown and gone. I finally realized that I did not have to live in her world any more. I freed myself

NO ANY FW to me R.

10:59AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

True... Thanks for the article.:)

alex l.

9:40AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

while this could be true, it is also true that abuse victims are encouraged to not believe their side of things. they are terrified of taking on their abuser, and so they remain silent. they are often beaten for speaking up, and are told that if they leave, they will be killed.
this kind of thinking might be true in healthy relationships, but telling everyone that their side is a lie is simply empowering abusers.

please make that distinction.

Nancy B.

6:02AM PST on Feb 4, 2012

We all have our own reality and truth; we must learn to communicate. Instead of guessing how someone feels, we should ask. We should tell those around us what we need instead of expecting them to know magically. Above all, we have to realize that no one is perfect; we all have our warts, and we should decide if the good things in someone's personality outweighs the bad.

Margaret P.

8:05AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

Good article and one that begs the question: Why are we afraid? Until that is solved the other will not be. What pattern in our lives causes such fear? A good topic for another article.

Danuta W.

1:21AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

Thanks for the article.