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Unload Your Romantic Baggage

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Unload Your Romantic Baggage

By Sheila Monaghan, Women’s Health

Even if you’re over your ex, your romantic history has a funny (in a sick sort of way) tendency of creeping into life with your new partner. “The relationships we invest in the most, regardless of how long we were in them or how long ago they happened, are the ones that have the biggest impact on us,” says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a research professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. “And if things went awry in those relationships, we often carry the anger or insecurity into our subsequent romances.”

So how do you prevent the past from coming back to haunt you? Claim your baggage by coming clean to your current mate (sparing him the dirty details, of course). According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, people experienced a heightened sense of intimacy after revealing personal info, such as their ex-related issues, and felt more valued and supported. Forge ahead by following this advice.

50 Things men wished women understood.

Baggage: Your Partner Cheated on You

Almost anything your guy does that’s not completely straightforward will evoke feelings of distrust, explains JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City. People who were cheated on in the past may find themselves setting traps and checking on their new partner, asking them questions they know the answers to, and assuming their partner is lying. You may end up jumping down his throat and accusing him of things he didn’t do, which may understandably infuriate him and ultimately threaten your union, says psychologist Christie Hartman, Ph.D., author of It’s Not Him, It’s You: The Truth You May Not Want but Need to Hear.

Unload it: Make it clear that while your trust issues have nothing to do with him, you equate his vagueness with being lied to. “Tell him that because of your past, you assume the worst when he’s unclear,” says Magdoff, and that keeping you in the loop and being specific will go a long way toward helping you feel more connected and secure. This will translate into more happiness for you both.

The New Sex Ed 101: What they didn’t teach you in school.

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Rodale.com is a new original source for daily news, information, and advice on personal and environmental health. Rodale.com focuses on “Where Health Meets Green” topics, providing daily news stories and breaking news along with easy-to-follow, high-impact tips and advice.

29 comments

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9:02PM PST on Nov 28, 2012

other than that, great article

8:57PM PST on Nov 28, 2012

50 Things men wished women understood - hah such bs

1:18PM PDT on Aug 24, 2012

thanks

5:01AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Very nice and good advice. Thanks a lot

7:00AM PDT on Jul 11, 2011

I think the issues from the past can really haunt the present if they are not addressed in fullness. Sometimes that can mean an unconsciousness about the issue until something triggers issues that suddenly loom huge in the present. Its increasing self-awareness and healing that we do with every relationship, and every wound becomes what we must face to heal and grow.

4:21PM PDT on Jul 8, 2011

good advice They left out forgiveness. Forgiveness heals. You need to forgive the people who hurt you, to go on. That doesn't mean you condone the behavior. Forgive their ignorence and yourself for the simple fact that it happened.

4:48AM PDT on Jul 8, 2011

Flannel Disaster - I find your name interesting and your comments as well. Insecurity knows no bounds. Those who are pretty sometimes fear their looks are the only thing about them that people admire. Perhaps your friend needs to know she is appreciated for her sense of humor, her kindness, her intellect as well as for her looks. Try it. Also, if this woman is important to you, try reminding both of you how blessed you are to have found each other - sincerely!

7:21AM PDT on Jul 6, 2011

thanks

10:14PM PDT on Jul 5, 2011

As humans we have to have a field of refrence or comparision to understand thigns in their right perspective. furthermore we are programmed to learn form our mistakes. so it becomes almost impossible to just simply forget such incidents as if you have pulled the plug on them.

1:15PM PDT on Jul 5, 2011

Pretty much a commonsense story with many useful tips for some of us.

To Shelley H....thanks for the info. Shall check it out.

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