http://www.care2.com/greenliving/using-your-mind-to-make-your-sex-life-hot.html
Using Your Mind to Make Your Sex Life HOT!
“A central agent of the erotic act, of eroticism, is the imagination–if that goes away, that’s when the breakdown of desire often occurs.” -Esther Perel
I often tell people that the sexiest part of their body is their brain. Usually I am trying to get them to understand the connection between their olfactory system and the limbic part of the brain where memory, emotion and sexuality is activated. But the more I talk about it, the more I have come to realize that this is also a key entry point to our sexual imagination, and our capacity for fantasy. We all have our own personal brand of eroticism, how sexuality is transformed by our imagination, but we don’t all have equal access to it.
By definition, long term relationships provide a safety and stability that many of us crave, but taken too far, the attachment to safety can also diminish the erotic vitality of the relationship. When we close our relationship to the element of surprise, we suffocate what is mysterious, raw and evocative. Suffering with bad or mediocre sex often has a lot to do with choosing safety over the mystery and separateness that makes living together vital. This is where having the capacity and courage to access our imagination in our sexuality can reinvigorate our relationships and our intimate lives.
Applying your imagination to sexuality is more than just the cliche ideas that come to mind for many people when they hear the word “fantasy” and think of costumes, props and scripts for sale in adult stores.
Allowing your imagination free reign during your love making times allows you to “experience things that you can’t possibly act out,” wrote Alex Comfort, MD in the classic best seller The Joy of Sex, “fantasies can be heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, tender, wild, or bloodthirsty–don’t block, and don’t be afraid of your partner’s fantasy; this is a dream you are in.” Trust and intimacy bloom when partners risk sharing their most private thoughts with each other.
That said, there are many thoughts that dance through my mind in sexual intimacy that I wouldn’t repeat even to myself. I know I am not alone in this as Nancy Friday’s bestsellers’ My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers and Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies demonstrate. Start with allowing your fantasies to spark passion in your love making and as your intimacy warms up, so will your ability to explore the idea of what fantasies you may actually share with your partner.
In fact, what might surprise you even more is that the top five fantasies that you never thought you could tell anyone about actually occur to most of us. A poll of 10,000 people actually found that both men and women share the same five fantasies. They include: Self pleasuring while partner watches, experimenting with a variety of domination and submission roles, having sex in public (think elevator, back row of an airplane), making a homemade porn flick and inviting a third person to bed.
Taking the leap to living out a fantasy with your partner can be as small as buying a pair of soft fuzzy handcuffs in the privacy of your own bedroom or it could mean experimenting with the dining room table in a new way. Sometimes seemingly small changes in routine are all it takes for us to wake up and actually see the person we love. Taking your fantasies to a new level takes the courage of first bearing witness to them, being able to communicate them and then making clear agreements with even clearer boundaries about how the new explorations will both risk your safety levels and allow you to believe in an intimate life that only you can imagine.
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
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12 comments
add your comment »Fantasies - and I've had my share - can certainly make sex lively and fun, whether they're voiced aloud or not. Hello to HOT sex.
However, the daily lovemaking I share with my husband is intentionally intimate in a quite different way. More like a meditation, a peaceful yet passionate joining that is incredibly fulling to both of us.
Diana Daffner
Author, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day
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yes, thanks ! x
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Sorry Ron...who exactly is your comment aimed at here?? It seems a little inappropriate and if I might add a bit rude....."quit being the matyr"....who is being a matyr????
did you mean to post this somewhere else????
Or, perhaps I have mis-read this and you are generalising???
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All I can say is enjoy it while you can... "For this too shall pass" Life is all about changes and the choices we make. We need to stand up and take responsibility for those actions; for they are ours and ours alone. I see so much pointing the finger at something or someone else for their troubles when in essence we are our own worst enemy. Stand up and take charge of your life and quit being the martyr.
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I am intrigued by the comments left. After leaving a 25 yr relationship that had great sex at the beginning to not so good toward the end. I am now embarking on a new relationship that encompasses everything I ever wanted. We TALK about sex (something I was never comfortable doing with my husband!). We tease each other on the phone and talk about the things we WANT to do to each other. It is a revelation! I have never been so sexually attracted to someone before. When we see each other it is incredible. I have discovered a side to myself I never knew existed. We are close in a comfortable, easy going way and the sex is out of this world! He is such a caring and thoughtful lover. I have even started buying sexy outfits, which I have no embarrassment in wearing! I feel liberated. It all comes down to TRUST. I trust this man, and we share so much.....I can tell him what turns me on, and vice versa. Things we both have never tried before, and it is FUN!!
I understand Rosanne G's comments. My husband was similar. Saying what he liked throughout the course of the day but still expecting the dutiful wife at bedtime.......No more. Now I am treated like a sex goddess and thoroughly enjoying myself!!
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Fantasize all you want, but that doesn't make harsh words go away. "My Love Has Gone To The Dogs". My 4 dogs give love whether I'm fat, thin, tired or alert, sick or healthy, happy or sad. All they want in return is kindness, a pat on the back & food & water. After 35 years of marriage, the death of our 16 year old son, & a wedding of a Bridezilla daughter, I have been disrespected & dismissed more than most people have in their lifetime. I am NOT going to have sex with my husband, JUST BECAUSE, after he has spent the majority of his day saying unkind words or attempting to control my activities. He cannot BARK at me all day and then expect me to "roll over" and Play Dead" or "Nice". A woman's foreplay is the 24 hours before the lovemaking. A man needs about 2 seconds to "be in the mood", but he should be aware that the woman has been taking in all the "foreplay" of words, actions, and looks. As a wife, I don't forgive quickly or forget easily what has been said to me. I can't function in bed when his "Actions speak louder than his words". Stress & Being Depressed doesn't help at all either. I was the perfect, horny, sexy wife, until I had enough of the ignorance & buried our son. Now I keep my fantasies to myself & he might as well, too...Cause I just don't care. Maybe my reward will be great in heaven? I'll probably be surrounded by all the dogs I had as pets. Thank you God! Dogs are much nicer than people anyway!
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Thanks for the lively conversation. Fantasies are apart of all human psyches- male and female. One's ability to use them to ignite passion varies as does one's need to think them vs play them out. I never talk about the crazy and exciting things that go through my mind when I make love with my husband, but I know he feels them.
Feeling safe in yourself and with your partner is essential to let this unpredictable, sometimes frightening and intriguing part of the self free in what ever capacity is possible for you. Best not to judge others.
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I'm with Maija on this one! I'm the one with the sexual fantasies, not my male partner. I prefer keeping my fantasies as fantasies.
My partner's previous wife of 13 years needed her fantasies lived out -- she was the one with the bondage fetish and he was completely turned off by this; but he obliged her to please her.
But once again we're in juggling season and I'm working every day and occasional nights. And he works nights. Once again there will be no sex life for a while.
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Good grief! Men are most certainly NOT the only ones that have fantasies! Holy smokes! The article is great Wendy. I'm rather shocked at that first comment. Maybe I missed the part where you advised women to shut up and play nice. Good grief! Just because one particular person should claim not to have such fantasies, she should not make assumptions for us all. But then again, maybe people like that don't have them. Hopefully people like that pair up with people like that! Also, nowhere in the article did I see anything about women needing to pleasure the men. (one way street) It seems to me that if you ARE lucky enough to have a partner you are comfortable sharing fantasies with... ("sharing" being the key word) ... you are one lucky couple. Can I take liberties and say: pleasure is as pleasure does.
As far as an absence or reduction of desire goes... I'd bet every single person goes through spells of that. I don't see a darn thing "wrong" with that. Everything else in life ebbs and flows, why not sexual desire?
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Hey, Mark F., please expound upon your statement!
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