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When Christmas Turns Two Shades Too Blue

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When Christmas Turns Two Shades Too Blue

‘Twas 14 days before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even Whiskers, our caged mouse. The stockings are still in a crate, and it looks like St. Nick is running late.  My children had crashed, done counting sheep. My husband is all snug in our bed, fingers texting against my thigh in his sleep. Our beagle yelps, frustrated with that black squirrel haunting her dreams. Out on the road the late night trucks raise a clatter, an owl hoots as if nothing is the matter.

And yet. . .I feel the deep lonely.

You know this kind of lonely. It has physical bearing, covets oxygen, puckers the eyes, and zaps the heart. That kind of lonely that makes Alone happy it doesn’t have you for company.

It also feels completely out of place among 2,450 twinkling lights, ceramic snowmen, and velvet-skirted Angels. ‘Tis the season I open my heart: gifts to needy kids, cards to service men, an extra something-something for the postal worker. ‘Tis the season I open my door: to friends, to the in-laws, and Rick, my UPS delivery man. January should be the season for lonely. . . or March, when winter is dragging and I’ve got no reason to wear jingle bells on my shoe laces. Who has room for the deep lonely in December?

And yet. . .it is here, dimming the dark.

I stare at the stars splashed across my ceiling from our Christmas lamp and conclude that this moment of deep lonely is due to the loss of my parents. I want to go “home”, sleep 15 hours in my peach and green bedroom, and watch the Wyoming wind scatter the Christmas decorations into the scrub. I want to listen to my dad’s rare collection of Christmas records, drink spiked egg nog and overindulge on mom’s Christmas morning coffee cake. Too bad all of that faded away after the funeral.  I’m starting to think Missing and the Deep Lonely may be BFF’s!

And yet. . .I remember feeling this as a child.

Particularly on Christmas Eve. The house was bursting with relatives, the tree was buried behind a mound of gifts, bells were ringing, Aunt Jude was singing, the pies were calling, and I was silently weeping. Even at nine this seemed like an odd time to be feeling two shades too blue.

So I took the advice of Elvis, who seemed to have suffered a few moments of the deep lonely himself. According to him, I was blue because I was missing the love of my life. Maybe when you’re 41, and older than Scotch, all you want for Christmas is your soul mate, but I already had a brother to drive me nuts. What I really wanted was a pink satin jacket and purple leg warmers.

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24 comments

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5:23PM PST on Jan 17, 2012

Thanks for this.

4:26AM PST on Dec 30, 2011

Thank you

10:50AM PST on Dec 27, 2011

Very well written and expressed!! I wish you a very happy 2012. Rosi Caswell Animal/Human Therapist, Metaphysical Counsellor

8:15AM PST on Dec 27, 2011

This is an awesome reflection, truly, ending where we all need to see oh-so-clearly. Thank you!

3:36AM PST on Dec 26, 2011

This time of year is full of the spirits of Christmas /Hanukkah/ Eid/ Diwali/ Yule. Tears and smiles are part of it. It's good to remember people, pets and places dear to us.

8:38PM PST on Dec 25, 2011

This has been a particularly hard holiday for me, maybe the hardest. The worst part is that I do know how many people are out there who care, but are far away or too busy right now to make a connection.

8:37PM PST on Dec 25, 2011

Love your comment Carol Ann O!!!! So true.

12:45PM PST on Dec 25, 2011

Thank you

10:35AM PST on Dec 25, 2011

I also tend to brood in such situations yes, if this can comfort you. Thinking of what's gone. I believe we are longing to go back to the other dimension. But not only in this time of the year (as far as I am concerned).
The Sun is growing, the Light is growing again (in the Northern hemisphere at least). I agree with Carol Ann O.: Don`t cry because it`s over. Be glad because it happened.
How true, but how difficult to implement it. Lucky you who have such wonderful memories of your parents. Lucky you indeed. Cherrish them dearly! :-)

10:21AM PST on Dec 25, 2011

Feeling sad and lonely isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can mean that you've connected with others and real situations. What is important is how we deal with sadness and loneliness. It is important that we don't keep it bottled up, and allow it to consume our every waking thought and moment. We need to share our sadness and loneliness with others; use it to motivate us to create a change in our lives, and that of others. We need to make it a change that leads to happiness, new social connections, and the uplifting of lives! Good luck!

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