http://www.care2.com/greenliving/when-mommy-and-daddy-got-hammered-talking-with-your-children-about-past-drug-and-alcohol-use.html
When Mommy and Daddy Got Hammered: Talking With Your Children About Past Drug and Alcohol Use
Just for the record, I did inhale.
I figure in about ten years or so I will need to reveal this particular fact to my son, who will be entering his teen years and developing questions about drug and alcohol use. My wife and I have already had the conversation with one another as to how we are going to handle the delicate subject of our past indulgences. The both of us have a long, but hardly shameful, history with both drugs and alcohol in our younger years, and both of us avoided all of the cautionary pitfalls of narcotic addiction, alcoholism, overdose, and drug-addled zombifacation. We were lucky, but I would also like to think that we were smart–possessing a resolve and inner strength that moved us through the gauntlet of excess with nothing more than a bit of smoke blown in our faces. So our “story” as it will be handed down to our child, will likely be characterized by our largely affirmative experience with substances, but no doubt, will be suitably tempered by a message of caution. We were fortunate, but also know, not everyone is so lucky.
Talking to your children/teenagers about drugs has long been an issue pushed by drug prevention groups and teen welfare interests. However, what rarely comes up in the literature and public service messages is how to talk with your children about your own drug and alcohol use, whether it was positive or wholly negative. There is an inherent belief, when dealing down from a parental level, that parents must remain role models to their children and stress responsibility above all. But what if you are like me, and don’t have that squeaky clean past, nor do you harbor any great shame about it either? Or what if you are like a family member of mine who has a very difficult and reprehensible history of substance abuse and addiction, and has a teenage child that stands totally unaware of his parent’s past transgressions?
According to a new survey conducted by the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota (an addiction and treatment center with a 60-year track record), talking openly and honestly about your past drug use is what will likely enable your child to make wise and self-assured decisions about their relationship to drugs and alcohol. According to the survey titled “Four Generations Overcoming Addiction” nearly two-thirds of teens (63 percent) say hearing their parents’ stories about past drug use would make them more responsible about their own use of alcohol and other drugs. The survey goes on to claim “fully 74 percent of teens say they’d turn to their parents as their No. 1 source of advice about the use of alcohol or other drugs, even though 26 percent have seen their parents drunk or high on alcohol or drugs.” The results are decidedly compelling.
So parents–what are you telling your own children about past drug use? Do you think it is advisable to cover up the truth until they are out of the woods, so to speak? Is full disclosure always the way to go, even if there is a risk of loosing face or credibility? And what if you never touched the “stuff” should you make up lies about your non-indulgent past to be closer to your children?
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33 comments
add your comment »I think honesty is the best way to be supportive to your children no matter what the issue is:)
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I know that im going to have to be 100% with my kiddos someday about my drug and alcohol use and i am not afriad to me straight forward with them about what really happens to you when u abuse it!!!! and i know when ppl lie to me, and when they are messed up on alcohol are drugs so i will be able to tell immediately if they are doing any sort of illegal substances and im afriad to let em sit in jail if they get busted for it either!!! maybe it will teach em a lesson!!! i sure hope that i never have to worry about them going to jail but if they do that is their own choice that they will have to deal with!!!
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Unfortunately for me, I only read the first lines of the first comment by Nancy L. and I would whole-heartedly disagree. After I finally got to the point where I felt I actually COULD talk to my mom about drug use, I had already experimented with quite a bit. If I had heard the story she told me BEFORE I had experimented, I probably wouldn't have even tried it to begin with! She had a friend that was high on marijuana and acid (or some other psychedelic) that nearly swallowed her tongue. They were all pretty messed up and were lucky they noticed her! My parents didn't offer any answers on their own, didn't ask me questions about what I knew, and wanted to hide their past from me hoping I wouldn't go down the same road with experimenting. I am a fortunate person for not messing myself up permanently! If only I had known...
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People People People!! OMG! I do NOT think that sharing your war stories of drugs and alcohol is at ALL a good idea. There is a wonderful middle ground. You can share your "experience" with drugs and alcohol - without personalizing it. There's no benefit to your kids to tell them of your glory days - good or bad - because your experience will NOT be their experience. You CAN tell them about people who ruined their lives and it's a RISK and all the truths you feel. Remember - they're kids! Their vantage point of the world or parents are quite different from yours! I've always talked to my kids about drugs, sex, etc. - but I made it about them - not ME! What a self centered generation we are - like we invented experience! What I hope is that I teach them to make good choices and I teach them to THINK things thru - and that will cover a lot of subjects their whole lives. When it comes to my personal stories - I also teach them about privacy - something that is to be valued. And some of my past is simply private (and it's not bad at all - just private) - but I am willing to discuss any subject. I don't want my kids to compare themselves to ME - I want them to learn to look in the mirror - be honest with themselves (a rare trait these days) - and constantly improve and enjoy their journey thru life. Too many parents these days want to "use" their kids to re-do or re-live their own lives. It's about THEM people, not us. Don't just feed them, Teach them to fish!
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Thank you to everyone for sharing your opinion as well as your experiences on the matter. I think this sort of dialogue is exactly what makes the conversation among parents and children flow more easily.
All the best,
Eric Steinman
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Thank you Elizabeth, for the comment about knowing your own children, and which can deal with the info, and which are not mature enough. That maturity comes at different ages; my dad caught my sister and I trying to light a cig at ages 5 and 4- he made us each smoke some of it, and gave us a sip of whiskey to boot( yes, the lovely 50s). I got sick as a dog, cannot bear the smell of cigs to this day, and while I tried social drinking, would rather have a clear mind than spend time unclear. My sister smokes like a chimney, and has since age 12 (stole cigs) and drinks like a fish- go figure.
As to legalizing...most of the folks espousing this seem to have spelling issues. I, for one, do not want the person operating on me, flying my plane, doing my taxes, drilling my teeth or even driving next to me high legally on anything more than we already allow. Unless you wish to pay at least 52% of your salary on taxes, legalizing drugs and having 'the government' ( us) pay for it in a way that works, similar to the Netherlands, that is a silly thing to think about....these things cost, and the party people rarely think about things like this. Too busy looking for the next high, the next escape.
Try looking for your true Joy, instead. You might surprise yourself. Having friends that still smoke pot, snort various substances, abuse prescription drugs and abuse alcohol, I don't see any of them truly happy, just trying to escape their lives. Have not a 'waiting to die' life. please.
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Hi,
I think if you know your limits then there will be know problem. Thanks for sharing this article.
gruner tee
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Just to clarify, in my post, I meant that it depends on the child's personality and demeanor on whether or not a parent(s) owns up to or denies their youthful indiscretions.
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It may be hard to do if you have multiple children, but I feel it depends on the child. Some MAY take it (parent's teenage usage of substances) as a reason/excuse to do so themselves. Others may be mature enough to take the "confession" for what it's worth. As a previous poster mentioned, some people need to DO and learn from their own mistakes no matter what's been told to them; for others, a warning from someone who has "been there done that" is enough for them.
Also to be considered is that SOME people have an addictive personality and "OKing" drinking or using drugs may be the most detrimental thing for them.
Everyone is different, what works for one family/child, may not work for another.
And to the individual who suggested legalizing drugs to do away with the drug problems I say it's just not that simple. While some can control themselves and make logical, wise choices, there are just as many (if not more) who are inherently incapable of that. There are a lot of addicts in this world and legalizing drugs would only serve to make that problem of theirs even worse and much more difficult to treat/remedy.
To the one who said putting your foot down and saying "NO" is a surefire way to push children into trying something will result in them doing just that (due to their stubborn nature), I mostly agree. But, I reiterate, what works for one person may or may not work for the next. It's impossible to know how your child will react to your words.
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Well, my mom used to tell me and my sisters stuff she did, and while there was never any drugs, her stories worked to keep me from getting stupid with alcohol. I've had a few drinks, but it's limited to special occassions or marinating steaks with vodka ceasars.
Kids aren't always monkey-see monkey-doo. My 9 year old brother will bug every smoker he sees besides our grandfather (a respect thing,) and I'm certain once he and his twin sister start hearing Mom's stories, they'll understand and appreciate that it's a serious topic too.
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