Why Being Alone Is Good For Your Relationship

When uttered within a romantic relationship, the words “I need space” are usually not followed by anything good. But what if more space is just what we need for happier, healthier relationships?

In fact, almost a third of us wish we had more of it: Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, has been studying 373 married couples for the past 25 years. When she asked the couples if they felt they had enough “privacy or time for self,”, 29% of them said no. And of those participants who said they were unhappy in their marriages, 11.5% said the reason for their unhappiness was lack of privacy or time for themselves.

Of course, just like anything else in a relationship, any two people’s needs for space are sometimes mismatched, leading to hurt feelings. But Vondie Lozano, a marriage and family therapist in California, tells the Wall Street Journal that it’s not personal—people have different needs, but “underneath, both individuals want love.” Not only that, but leaving time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies means you bring novelty and excitement into the routine of a relationship—always a good thing.

So how do you give yourself more space and privacy without distancing yourself from the relationship? Try this:

Don’t actually say “I need space.” Regardless of what you mean, that statement by itself is a loaded one—it implies general distance from the relationship, not alone time.
Instead, frame it as something you both might need/want. Sit down with your partner and a calendar, and explain that you want to figure out how both of you can take a load off and when.
Get specific. Taking action when you make a general statement like “I want more time for myself” is hard. Instead, have a plan, like turning the spare bedroom into a (wo)man-cave, going to a weekly yoga class, scheduling a girls’ night with friends once a month, or penciling in a half-hour walk on a weekend afternoon.
Don’t forget to have couple time too. Reboot during your alone time in the afternoon, and reconnect over dinner to keep your connection strong. Spend a weekend by yourself; schedule a date night for when you get back.

More Relationship Reboots:
Relationship Reboot: Get Curious
Relationship Reboot: 5 Ways to Shake Up Your Weekday Routine
Relationship Reboot: Unplug and Unwind
Relationship Reboot: Recreate the First Date

Read more: Dating, Fun, Life, Love, Mental Wellness, Relationships, alone, space

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Miss N T.

12:28PM PDT on Mar 19, 2013

"turning the spare bedroom into a (wo)man-cave" This is a GENIUS idea! I have never thought of a woman cave but the more I think about it the more I LOVE IT.

March 19
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Ram R.

2:04AM PST on Jan 31, 2013

Thanks Diana

January 31
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Dave C.

1:27PM PST on Jan 28, 2013

being that both my wife and I are introverts we both need and like quiet time, alone time, etc....

January 28
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katarzyna p.

11:23AM PST on Jan 12, 2013

you do need time alone to process what's gone on with the day/week etc. and sometimes its stuff you don't want to talk about for various reasons. time alone helps you to 'balance' how you feel and therefore i don't see anything wrong with it

January 12
send a green star

Elena T.

1:19AM PST on Nov 29, 2012

Thank you :)

November 29
send a green star

Samir N.

12:01PM PST on Nov 28, 2012

Noted,thanks.

November 28
send a green star

Kathy P.

4:13PM PDT on Aug 24, 2012

good advice. We find time to do things we love together (but they are different things) Like my bf really loves to play ex box live (online with his friends of course!) but I get bored. I love to crochet and read.. he gets bored. Sooo he plays and I sit nearby and get a project done or finish a novel I love. Win win