By Debi Berndt for YourTango.com.
What does confidence really look like? How can you get it, and what types of people are confident in relationships? There is a huge misunderstanding that someone who cheats must be really confident — that is, they must think a whole lot of themselves. The jilted person may then assume that if they felt better about themselves, their partner wouldn’t have strayed. This is detrimental thinking, as it is the cheater’s insecurity that’s the real cause of disloyalty.
More from YourTango: Why Men Are More Distant Than Women In Relationships
See, the truly confident person is only attracted to another confident person; like attracts like. We subconsciously rate how confident a person is by how they act and the persona they put out in the world. But our assumptions aren’t always right: we falsely believe that if a man is a charismatic womanizer, for example, that he must truly love only himself. The real reason people stray is because they feel incomplete, unsure of who they are and not at all confident.
It takes guts to be committed. To become emotionally intimate with another person in any relationship takes courage. If you really think about it, you’re letting down your guard to a stranger. It can be pretty scary to allow someone else in, to see yourself as you truly are beyond your mask — especially if you haven’t taken a peak inside yourself.
If you are not OK with yourself, you’ll simply run from one surface-skimming relationship to another to avoid getting close. This is cowardly, not a sign of confidence. This isn’t love, but fear.
More from YourTango: Hard Work Ahead: Are Relationships Really Worthwhile?
The reason cheaters are fearful is they know at some level that their mask of confidence is not real. Their success, their looks and their fame is all a façade to compensate their “shadow self”. They run away from the ugliness, the failure and the rejection they fear by finding people to adore them and tell them they’re worthy. The get fuel from others because they cannot find the love inside themselves.
When they enter a relationship with someone who wants to get closer and get real, their façade is threatened. They have have such a deep dislike for the person beneath the mask that they run to look for someone who is satisfied with just superficial sex and idolization. When they see someone get insecure around them, they cannot stand the reflection of their shameful qualities, and they run.
Discover Your Love Shadow and Find True Love
True confidence comes not from having it all together, but by being completely secure in all aspects of yourself — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly — and accepting all of it without judgment. You can drop the mask that seeks approval from others and just be comfortable being you. Some people believe that loving yourself is about being positive or enlightened, but it really is just accepting yourself even when you are a brat, a dork or say stupid things. It’s OK to make mistakes, but remember that not only are you humane, you are divine.
More from YourTango: Relationship Questions To Ask For Long-Term Commitment
You want a partner who doesn’t expect perfection or desire a pretty mask to cover up what he or she doesn’t want to face about themselves. You want someone brave and confident in the face of life’s ups and downs.
How do you attract a confident person? Be one. Don’t run away from yourself when things get tough, and you’ll find a partner who will stick with you too. Remember: like attracts like. If you don’t run, they won’t run. Confidence breeds commitment.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: For A Committed Relationship, Tap Into Your Confidence.