Why Do We Avoid Intimacy?

When asked, “What does your spouse do to avoid you?” the answers are often legion. The fact that so many couples go to extraordinary lengths to avoid intimacy is puzzling. Most of us want intimacy. So why do we avoid it? Read what this famous couples counselor has to say, here.

Why do we avoid intimacy? There are two very good answers: anger and fear. Why the anger? In the romantic stage of a relationship, people find it relatively easy to be intimate, because they are filled with the anticipation of wish fulfillment. Their partners seem to be Mommy and Daddy and doctor and therapist all rolled into one. Later, when they come to the realization that their partners are committed to their own salvation, not theirs, they feel angry and betrayed. They erect an emotional barricade, in effect saying, “I am angry at you for not meeting my needs.” Then they begin to seek pleasure and satisfaction of their needs outside the relationship.

The other reason couples avoid intimacy is fear, specifically the fear of pain. On an unconscious level, many people react to their partners as if they were enemies. Any person who is perceived to be a source of need gratification and then appears to be withholding that gratification is catalogued by the old brain as a source of pain, and that raises the specter of death. If your partner does not nurture you and attend to your fundamental needs, a part of you fears that you will die, and it believes that your partner is the one who is allowing this to happen.

There is, however, encouraging news: these old patterns can be changed. To find out more about Harville Hendrix’s groundbreaking couples work, go to www.eomega.org.

Read more: Spirit, Guidance, Self-Help

Adapted from Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix, PhD (HarperPerennial, 1990). For information on the Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt workshop March 4-11, go to: www.eomega.org.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Sean C.

6:03PM PDT on Mar 12, 2012

Thanks, Annie.

send a green star

Robert O.

3:16PM PST on Mar 9, 2012

Thank you Annie.

KS G.

5:16AM PDT on Jul 21, 2011

Thanks for the article.

Bon L.

1:44AM PST on Feb 27, 2011

Thanks for the info.

Sylvia B.

9:09AM PST on Dec 3, 2010

I think this article is a good start, but there needs to be more added to it, as it seems incomplete. For one thing, most people equate intimacy with sex - and nothing else. Intimacy is a level of closeness that can be achieved with friends, family and other people besides the significant other. Another thing is that some people, especially if they are from dysfunctional backgrounds, confuse intimacy with intensity, and thereby get drawn into relationships where tings seem "passionate", but in reality is a lot of "come-here-go-away" stuff going on. Unfortunately, most developing relationships tend to foster this kind of thing, and leave many people confused as to what a heck happened regarding the demise of the relationship. I am sure there are other points that other people can point out.

Kerry S.

10:28AM PDT on Aug 26, 2010

uh buhhh?

Scott V.

5:57PM PDT on Aug 25, 2010

What do you mean by intimacy ? It seems this is used by too many as an euphemism. So the reader has to make up their own interpretation!.