Words of Comfort: What to Say When Someone is Dying

By Candace Rotolo, AgingCare.com

Being diagnosed with a terminal illness is traumatic. But sometimes, what people say in an effort to offer comfort is equally distressing.

The truth is, many of us just don’t know what to say to a loved one who is facing their mortality.

“Most of the time I really liked when people said nothing,” notes Michelle Colon-Johnson, who has been diagnosed with stage four cancer five times and survived. “If I wanted to talk about the cancer, it felt good to know I could talk to others, but I never wanted to be treated differently.”

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Experts who assist patients in their final days say the best thing to do for someone who has recently been diagnosed is to allow them to guide your conversations and actions.

“They might not want to talk,” explains social worker Edie McCaddin-Bower, vice president of support services at Beacon Hospice. McCaddin-Bower says it’s important to respect the patient’s wishes, but let them know you’re willing to lend an ear to hear their thoughts, wishes and fears whenever they are ready. Fellow social worker Meredith Cinman, ancillary services coordinator at Amedisys Hospice in Valenica, CA, adds that loved ones should try not to worry about saying the “right thing” but spend more time listening to the patient.

Words of Comfort: What to Say When Someone is Dying originally appeared on AgingCare.com.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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tetyana p.

12:24PM PST on Feb 22, 2012

a good hug may be worth a tousand words sometimes :(

send a green star

Shadowwolf W.

8:17PM PST on Jan 30, 2012

I love you. I always have.

Debbie C.

12:08AM PST on Jan 30, 2012

When my mom was in her last stage of Alzheimer's, I would sit with her and tell her about something that happened through the years. She had lost her ability to talk, so I would tell her I loved her and all she could do was just stare at me. I'm not sure she understood; or maybe she did and just could not make her brain work to tell me.

She is in heaven now. I know I love her and I pray she knowa it, too.

Mac C.

12:23PM PST on Jan 27, 2012

very good article. Thanks.

Elaine A.

9:24AM PST on Jan 27, 2012

I've found that a good hug and a letting the person know you are always there for them and don't rely on always using the typical response of "If there is anything I can do, you let me know". That person is overwhelmed and more than likely slightly shocked at all the questions that are now infiltrating their mind. So rather than ask, DO! Make dinner s and take them to their home to save them from cooking. don't send flowers, bring them to the person, Make some tea or other beverage and sit with them and let them do the talking and letting out of their feelings and never say you'll get over it in time. Just think of what it is that you know a person needs and follow through with that.

Lauren F.

10:11AM PST on Jan 23, 2012

informative.

New G.

1:50AM PST on Jan 23, 2012

Thank you for the article.

Carole L.

4:08PM PST on Jan 21, 2012

Thank you. It is a very difficult situation to be in, watching a loved-one die but oddly enough, it is also a gift to have that opportunity to be with them. I dropped everything when my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I flew to her side and was there with her holding her hand when she left this world.
It is true that some people said things that were less than soothing but I and my mother knew that people meant well, meant to be comforting and we just ignored those comments.

Faith C.

11:57AM PST on Jan 21, 2012

music is good.

heather g.

1:25AM PST on Jan 21, 2012

Excellent advice. What I like most is a reminder to be a good listener, to offer help and to ensure that for them, nothing remains unsaid.