You are the Problem


It doesn’t matter what question people ask, my answer is always the same… you.

You are the problem. This is not because I think you make all of the trouble in your life. It’s because it doesn’t matter who made it… you are the only one who can choose something different for you. The reality of the situation is that if you hire me (or anyone else, for that matter) to support you with your crisis, I am not coaching your jerk of a boss, or your childish spouse, or your completely out-of-their-mind teenager. I am your coach and I can only help you.

I can help you deal with them, but it’s about you, not them. Always.

You are the problem. Luckily… you are also the answer.

People hire me for what may look like a variety of reasons – to lose weight, stop smoking, professional transition, relationship drama/trauma, make more money, feel more sane, etc. Once we start coaching I find that most fall firmly into one of three groups that I continue to see over and over out here, in the real world:

1. The Lost – This woman once had a glimpse of herself, even if only fleeting, but life – children, spouse, work – came and her “truth” gradually slipped away from her. Perhaps she had a period of time or at least a moment, let’s say in college, where she was on stage or in the lab or completing some big project, and she thought, “Yes! I’ve got it! This is what I was made to do! This is what I love! This is who I am.” She was once connected with her true self, but she got Lost. Our work together helps her reconnect with her power, her dreams, her creativity, her passion…and begin living in alignment with that truth.

2. The Overwhelmed – This woman never found herself to begin with. She anchors her identity on the people and things and activities around her. Striving for “success” means “doing” enough; the people around her are “happy” enough; and she is “good” enough. In reality, there is never “enough” on the outside for her to actually feel fulfilled on the inside. She ends up trying to do her best, instead of being her best self. I can help her to first discover herself, her purpose and passions, and then begin moving her daily life into alignment with that truth.

3. The Invisible – These are some of the most powerful women I encounter. They are so powerful, in fact, that they often didn’t fit in as children (in their families or their communities), and they mastered the “art” of invisibility in order to survive. They were often victims of verbal and physical abuse by their peers and in many cases, their caregivers at home. As adults, they are stuck in their invisibility, and it tortures them. They know they are here to do something extraordinary but never had the support to actually do it. It’s as if no one ever recognized who they really are. Our work helps them remember the truth about their power, and allows them to truly “show up” in their own lives, maybe for the first time.

Regardless of what brings someone into my business, my job is support them in finding themselves. More importantly… regardless what brings you here – to this moment, where you’ve made it all the way to the bottom of this piece – your job is to find you. Then, you can use that priceless information to improve the results you’re getting from the actions you’re taking every single day.

While it is completely your responsibility to find a solution to what sucks in your life, I’m not saying you have to do it alone. I mean, you can’t swing a stick in the virtual world without hitting 100 coaches therapists, trainers, healers, teachers, etc., ready to do with you whatever needs to be done. Not proof enough? Go visit the “self-help” section of the used book store. Clearly, we all have an opinion about how you can take back your life.

Just don’t trust anyone who says that they can fix you, because they are not the problem… you are, still.

You. You. You. The great news is that if you are the problem and you are the solution, you don’t have to wait for anyone else to make your life a better place for you to inhabit. Do what needs to be done. Get what you need to make the changes you want to make in your life.

Every single time, the answer is you. So, what’s your question?

Photo credit: iamtheo via flickr

Love This? Never Miss Another Story.


Caroline Vimla
Caroline Vimla4 years ago

Interesting article. Thanks for sharing

Ree O.
Ree O.4 years ago

I am the Lost, and also a little bit of the Invisible. Thanks for this info, it gives me confidence that I can change things positively. :)

Jason H.
Jason Hughes4 years ago

In reply to Alex's statement that begins with: "jason, when i fell in love(not in lust, if only that simple) he was in looks, personality, intellect, mannerisms,etc exactly the person that fitted a deep desire inside me."

It is not brainwashing yourself to recognize your feelings for what they are; it *is* a disservice to yourself to only use your emotions and *not* your brains when having any type of interaction with another person (regardless of whether it's dealing with love, passion, hate, sadness...) If you use logic and reason to COMPLIMENT your emotions, instead of being subservient to your emotions, you are more empowered to make decisions that will enhance and strengthen your life and relationships. Understanding your emotions and making decisions based SOLELY on your emotions are two different things. Once you realize that only YOU (as you stated) can choose your actions and reactions, while you may not produce an outcome that is better, at least you are TRYING. I was not advocating suppressing your emotions or your feelings, but allowing your emotions and feelings for someone to be truly THOUGHT about, analyzed, and to make CONSCIOUS decisions in regards to love. Love IS a choice, and continuing to love someone IS a choice--emotions notwithstanding. Use emotions in CONJUNCTION with your logic and understanding, not with one subservient to the other...

Farah Hage Ali
Farah Hage Ali4 years ago

Definitely, you have to discover your own problems and search for the appropriate solution. You do not have to wait for any one to help you, just help yourself

Sue T.
Susan T.4 years ago

I am so overwhelmed by this. this is me

Russ L.
Russell L.4 years ago

This what I have always said. Blame is wrong we are all responsible for what is happening in our world and to our selves. This is the essence of Zen and Buddhism. The problem with this is then we have to take full responsibility for our actions. We can not blame anyone else. This is just too much for most weak and cheating lying irresponsible humans. We can't cheat, we can't be predigest, we can't waste, we can't be lazy, we can't over eat, we can't over consume. Ah in a perfect world........

Hege Torset
Hege Torset4 years ago


Charles G.
Rilde WildeThang4 years ago

there is no me or you so what to do...

RHONDA N.4 years ago

Isn't that the truth! It's always about you and your reality. But, it's so hard to remember that when people are in your face all day long, and your family, imposing their problems and beliefs on you your whole life! But, it's true, it's about you...thank you.

Just D.
Past Member 4 years ago

Alexandra and Marjaana you rock!!! I'm glad that you belong at this world!!!