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God Hinting At Retirement (The Onion - Satire)


Offbeat  (tags: God, retirement, The Onion, satire, humor )

David
- 1523 days ago - theonion.com
THE HEAVENS - Following a routine address during which God confirmed the recent extinction of several thousand species, the Divine Creator gave the strongest hints yet, and fielded questions regarding rumors of his possible retirement.



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Comments

David Petrosky (113)
Monday July 19, 2010, 6:19 am
Excerpt:


"THE HEAVENS—At a press conference Tuesday, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, gave his strongest indication yet that he might soon step down from his post as the supreme ruler of all things.

Following a routine address during which God confirmed the recent extinction of several thousand species, the Divine Creator fielded questions regarding rumors of his possible retirement.

"I've been at this a long time," said God, ?, the all-knowing, all-powerful being who has presided over the cosmos since forming it from sheer nothingness nearly 14 billion years ago. "And the truth is, this was never something I planned on doing forever. Lately, in fact, I've begun to wonder if I should move on sooner rather than later."
 

Debra R. (33)
Monday July 19, 2010, 6:40 am
God would never ever retire? That's a fact for all to know. He is the Father of all Creation. That's is like saying a mother with 10 children decided to quit after a couple of years. Why would someone even create such a cruel JOKE??? God is the guide to all creation, he never tires or gives up on anyone or anything ever! His continuing and undying strength is his bond. I understand this is a JOKE, but it's UNCALLED FOR AND AN INSULT REALLY TO ALL THAT KNOW & LOVE OUR FATHER & CREATOR. BLESS THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY SAY???
 

Alan X. (0)
Monday July 19, 2010, 6:47 am
It is time for humanity and take responsibility, not relying on heavenly sky-daddy to look after our problems.
 

Debra R. (33)
Monday July 19, 2010, 6:47 am
God would never ever retire? That's a fact for all to know. He is the Father of all Creation. That's is like saying a mother with 10 children decided to quit after a couple of years. Why would someone even create such a cruel JOKE??? God is the guide to all creation, he never tires or gives up on anyone or anything ever! His continuing and undying strength is his bond. I understand this is a JOKE, but it's UNCALLED FOR AND AN INSULT REALLY TO ALL THAT KNOW & LOVE OUR FATHER & CREATOR. BLESS THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY SAY???
 

Alan X. (0)
Monday July 19, 2010, 7:53 am
Unfortunately, the Gods cannot be blamed for not coming to your aid. It's not because they weren't listening. It's because they don't exist. The Gods we've been praying to for thousands of years do not exist. They can't help you, because they are not real. We have been pandering to our own ignorance for far too long.
 

Bill K. (23)
Monday July 19, 2010, 7:56 am
Don't worry Debra, God's not going to retire. His retirement savings took too big a hit during the recession (He even had some money invested with Bernie Madoff). So HE's going to have to work a few more years. By the way, God loves a good joke just like the rest of us. He's still laughing about the really big joke He pulled on the world - you know, adding humans at the last minute.
 

Robert Shaffer (27)
Monday July 19, 2010, 2:49 pm
Got to love the Onion.
 

Nancy Roussy (79)
Monday July 19, 2010, 3:01 pm
I love The Onion. Their website (especially their videos) is hilarious. People that think they are serious and get all worked up about it are funnier than what they do.
 

Beng Kiat Low (128)
Tuesday July 20, 2010, 2:52 am
thanks.
 
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