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Canada Tightens Border -- Andy Borowitz


Offbeat  (tags: americans, culture, elections, funny, off-beat, society )

Kit
- 708 days ago - newyorker.com
OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)--Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th. **Humor***Political Satire**



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Comments

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 1:48 pm


(The Borowitz Report)—Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.

According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent.


“We’ve been intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”

Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian border, he issued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”

He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”

Mr. McTavish said that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search of a new life and socialized medicine, but added, “At the end of the day, forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.”


By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker Magazine
 

Judy C. (106)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:12 pm
Thanks for the much-needed laugh, Kit!
 

Pat B. (354)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:14 pm
Being in Texas, I don't think I'd go north. Maybe Mexico....Just kidding. Thanks Kit (I get Andy in my inbox too). ;-)
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:17 pm

Andy Borowitz, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert and SNL, I'm so glad we have their humor.
 

Vicky P. (464)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:24 pm
haha cute
 

Cher C. (1466)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:31 pm


LOL!!

Thnx sweetie!!


 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:59 pm
Good one, thx Kit. But be aware, what's humor now could easily turn into reality should Obama suffer a close miss. They'll get there even if they have to cross the Niagara falls ;-)
 

Carrie B. (304)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 2:59 pm
Very good Kit and I needed the laugh!
 

Nancy M. (201)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:04 pm
Good one. I wondering if having relatives there will help?
 

Michela m. (3926)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:09 pm
Thanks!!
 

SuSanne P. (182)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:12 pm
:):):) I appreciate the humor Kit, but Angelika has a good point. When "W" won??? his first term, I almost left the country, at least I swore I would if he won:) I'm still here. I WILL DEFINITELY leave the country (not Canada, too many relatives) if the Republicans win. Anyone interested in joining me? I've never been to Australia:) LOL
 

Yvonne White (232)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:16 pm
LOL! I've been to Windsor, Canada..it' was weird, too quiet, too Clean..and No, Americans cannot pass as Canadian - we wear blue jeans & look blue collar no matter what....okay, maybe it's just Me...;)
 

Barbara K. (84)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:21 pm
Thank you for the giggles, my friend. It is a great temptation if the election goes the wrong way. LOL
 

Just Carole (338)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:21 pm

“It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”

There's wisdom even in satire.

 

JL A. (275)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:47 pm
Yeah 47% is way more than the numbers avoiding the draft in the 1960's and 1970's...sometimes one has to laugh to keep from crying.
 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:51 pm
{{{{{{ Carole}}}}} good to see you, this is perfect distraction. Hope you're ok. And yes, often satire IS wisdom.
 

Esther Z. (101)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:52 pm
Lol....I might just be one those Americans running for the Canadian border, straight to Quebec! I better start a crash course on Canadian hockey.....so, go Bulldogs!!
 

Kathy Chadwell (367)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:53 pm
Nothing funny about it,, the thought has crossed my mind
 

Val R. (242)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 3:55 pm
Funny but not - agree with others - have thought about it but doubt could do legally - passport expired
 

Brad Miller (120)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:10 pm
As I gave it consideration in 2000 and 2004. Still here though.
 

Nyack Clancy (435)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:25 pm
LOL! love it- all 47%!

Mexico may be in trouble too! All those illegal Americans sneaking over the border
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:52 pm

I have friends in Canada, sooo....considering this, let 'em ask me about football, but hockey? Isn't that when a fight breaks out on the ice? That's just not a fair question!
 

Dandelion G. (387)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:54 pm
“If my candidate doesn’t win, I’m leaving the country.”

Now, JetBlue is offering voters a chance to fulfill the typically empty threat with their Election Protection 2012 program.

“On November 6th, America will elect the next U.S. president,” the airline says on their Election Protection website. “If things don’t go your way, don’t worry. Here’s your chance to get a free flight out of the country with JetBlue.

If you would care to enter for your ticket out of here.....you can go to this website.
Free Ticket Out of the Country if Your Candidate Doesn't Win

Yes, this is a serious offer!
 

Jennifer C. (172)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:57 pm
Good to know. Thanks for sharing.
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 4:59 pm

I know that each election people say they will leave the country, but to talk about it and actually do it are very different things. Thanks Jet Blue, but I don't thing so, maybe for a visit.
 

marie c. (168)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 5:28 pm
Susanne you know you are forever welcome in London UK I will be waiting for you if Obama does not win
Thanks Kit
 

Robert S. (115)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 5:41 pm
Dandelion...that cracked me up.
 

Dandelion G. (387)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 6:09 pm
Well I thought I'd take them up on their offer, if I win, they will send me to the Bahama's. lol

So if anyone else would like a free trip out, you can also sign on as I thought I'd put the link onto C2 news.
Free Trip Out of the Country Enrollment Link

Thanks for the green star Robert. We must add a little humor into this situation. Not to worry Canada, Jet Blue is only offering trips south according to their map. It is winter, for those who like the fun and the sun, the have given some nice places to send you to.
 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 6:15 pm
Does Jet Blue offer transatlantic flights for free? If you're looking for national healthcare come on over, you're very welcome.
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 6:18 pm

Careful Angelika, we might just take you up on that.
 

Kathy B. (98)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 6:44 pm
Flagged the spammer! If I was 20 yrs. younger and know what I know now, would I leave? Impossible to answer, but with Harpy in command of Canada, I wouldn't go North.
 

Kamila A. (141)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 6:44 pm
Very very funny, very sadly funny.
 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 7:07 pm
This just in- breaking opportunity - Vote here
 

Michael Carney (209)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 7:49 pm
I might have to sneak into Mexico...I'm getting too old to put up with the cold and snow...But I've clicked my heels three times and said, There's no President, like Obama, so he will win...
 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 7:57 pm
less than 1 hour left for that voting! Vote here

 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 7:58 pm
Google is hosting an online forum inviting people to submit questions for the candidates, and to vote on the questions submitted by others.
"The Commission on Presidential Debates will give a selection of your questions to CNN's Candy Crowley, who will be moderating the [next] debate and asking questions of the two nominees."
The deadline to vote is tonight 11:59pm eastern time / 8:59pm Pacific time. Please cast your vote now. It only takes a second; no login is required.
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 8:15 pm

I submitted the same question I did last time about women. It may be more interesting to see if Candy Crowley will be able to address any women's issues.
 

Angelika R. (143)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 8:38 pm
I suppose she will, that question is in the top 5, 2nd place now with 1.674 votes !
 

Kim O. (399)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 10:03 pm
Best laugh of the day! So sorry.....Canada is closed for the winter! Snicker!! You would have to have the entire disguise consisting of a touque, 19 layers of clothes and gum boots!! No chance getting to my Island either, we have a moat and we pull up the draw bridge after tourist season.
 

Kim O. (399)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 10:06 pm
Thanks Kit and to Angelika for sending! :oD!!
 

Terrie Williams (769)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 10:10 pm
Heh heh heh......funny! But............not funny ya know?! If I can't make it to Antartica......Finland would be my second choice. Sorry Canada....you are too much like here.....and I REALLY DO like hockey!!!! Go figure!
 

Susanne R. (249)
Tuesday October 9, 2012, 11:10 pm
I have a deep affection for our Canadian neighbors --but I don't see where Stephen Harper would be an improvement over Mitt (God help us) Romney. Let's hope the American voters get it right on November 6th and that Republican attempts at voter suppression and voting machine rigging are thwarted!
 

TomCat S. (286)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 8:05 am
Canada better hope Willard doesn't win. You may be his first target for conquest.
 

Angelika R. (143)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 10:25 am
There's certainly truth in that, Tom! In my view, it's a matter of time until you'll see one large union block consisting of Can, US and Mex. according to NWO plans. Just like our EU was formed over here, they want to do away with national states/countries.
 

Lauren Kozen (159)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 1:51 pm
Noted. Thanks for posting Kit.
 

Elizabeth M. (66)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 2:01 pm
Ha Ha Ha!!!Hey Kim - how did you know we closed already for winter...lol, it is snowing here in Alberta today eh!!!
Yes we love our hockey here - but there is a strike on right now and there might not even be an NHL this year!!!
We have lots of room - huge wide open spaces and Igloos are free - you build your own! The only warm place is Vancouver, B.C., and it's full up.
 

Tamara Noforwardsplz (185)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 4:32 pm
Too funny! Thanks Kit.
 

Jennifer C. (172)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 6:12 pm
Thanks.
 

Craig Pittman (45)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 8:11 pm
Great Kit - thank you for this smile. And to all my friends in the U.S. - with Harpo in charge up here it's not all that attractive.
 

Kit B. (276)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 8:34 pm

I have heard that said by many friends in Canada, what a shame.
 

Kim O. (399)
Wednesday October 10, 2012, 11:25 pm
Hi Elizabeth! I'm just over from Vancouver on the Island in B.C. I do believe we are full up. There's a no vacancy sign out by the draw bridge. You can get in though with the secret password (Canuck) SHHHH!!!
All kidding aside, Kit, I'm with Craig. Harper's definitly NO PRIZE. They're ALL money grubbers.
 

Lois Jordan (55)
Saturday October 13, 2012, 4:46 pm
Good one, Kit! And, I agree with your choice of comedians. M-Thurs I fall asleep after some good laughs w/Stewart & Colbert....and every Fri. nite I have Maher. Got to see his live stand-up in Phx. a couple weeks ago and the house was totally packed. I think many are tiring of the greedy rightwingnut fearmongering and lying.
 

SuSanne P. (182)
Friday October 19, 2012, 3:28 pm
POPULATION:
353,658
CURRENCY:
BAHAMIAN DOLLAR
OFFICIAL LANGUAGE:
ENGLISH
AIRPORTS:
NASSAU
FUN FACT:
NATIONAL BIRD IS THE FLAMINGO
I HEREBY DECLARE BAHAMAS MY DESTINATION.

Rather than rewrite the two posts I added earlier...sending this levity.
 

Vicki P. (124)
Friday October 26, 2012, 6:48 am
~ ♥ ~

 
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