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The Republicans' Closing Argument -- Andy Borowitz


Society & Culture  (tags: americans, candidates, education, funny, humor, politics, society )

Kit
- 677 days ago - newyorker.com
"Our argument couldn't be simpler: when God wants to create a hurricane or make a woman pregnant, big government should get out of the way," he said. ****Humor****



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Kit B. (276)
Tuesday November 6, 2012, 8:23 am
(Photo Credit: Why Evolution is True)


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With only one day until the election, the Republican Party today released its official closing argument to the American people.

In its entirety, the argument read as follows: “We’re strongly opposed to FEMA and health care, but basically O.K. with rape.”

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said that the Party’s message of “zero tolerance toward disaster relief combined with a more easygoing attitude about rape” would lead the Party to victory on Election Day.

“Our argument couldn’t be simpler: when God wants to create a hurricane or make a woman pregnant, big government should get out of the way,” he said.

The Party chairman said that the closing argument was part of its “expand the map” strategy: “We’re contesting every state, from Pennsylvania to Colorado to Iowa, where we believe there are voters who are in sync with our more advanced view of hurricanes and rape.”

Mr. Priebus also had this message for the American voter: “Your vote is important. We’ve spent billions trying to buy it.”
******Satire****Humor***

By Andy Borowitz - The New Yorker Magazine |
 

Arielle S. (317)
Tuesday November 6, 2012, 9:30 am
Lordy, it'd be even funnier if it weren't so darn true! Maybe we should have had buttons printed with that closing argument - we could have pretended to be Republicans and worn those buttons to see how many people would react....ah, heck, it would be too depressing, wouldn't it? (love the "stop looking at cats and go vote"!)
 

Brian M. (145)
Tuesday November 6, 2012, 10:42 am
This election was their chance to put the Bush era behind them. Instead, the Republican campaign only seemed to amplify the same kind of irrational decision-making that typified the Bush regime. Not only are they going to lose today, but they have probably hurt their chances to holding on to Congressional seats in 2014.
 

JL A. (275)
Tuesday November 6, 2012, 12:30 pm
The more I think of policies, platforms and rhetoric, the more I grieve it is happening in America--I'd much prefer, to quote Sinclair Lewis, to have reason to believe that "It Can't Happen Here."
 

Kit B. (276)
Tuesday November 6, 2012, 8:43 pm

....OBAMA...WINS!!!!
 

Nancy M. (201)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 1:35 pm
But I AM a cat online!
 

Kit B. (276)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 1:39 pm

That is true, Nancy and for you, looking at Cats the day after is Cool. It's hard to believe this is finally over and the work is done. We have an election behind us and four years to see where it's all going what is going to happen.
 

Nancy M. (201)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 1:44 pm
OK, I'm a happy cat today. I have to say, my husband refused to watch the returns last night. I was checking cnn on my kindle and not seeing very happy news. I awoke today and was stunned. BUt good points about staying involved and more to do Kit. But of course, you are a cat too.
 

Yvonne White (231)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 2:03 pm
I Loved this Election night! I really didn't think the Jerks would concede..but they did! I stayed up until the fat lady started singing..oh, no, that was Karl Rove crying..;) I was happy with Romney's short & unusually polite Concession speech and then waited for Obama's Victory speech (dude, we already won - just tell us we're Really going to finish fixing things! :)..Beautiful!!!!!! Love your graphic too!
 

Yvonne White (231)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 2:05 pm
You cannot currently send a star to Kit because you have done so within the last week.
 

Kit B. (276)
Wednesday November 7, 2012, 2:23 pm

And cats do know....There is always more work to do.
 

Rebecca G. (0)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 1:44 am
AMEN on all the comments about THIS DAMN ELECTION!!!!!!!!!! I'm still in 7th HEAVEN - that O WON - now - let us HOPE he WILL REVERSE some of the TRASH AGAINST THE ENVIRONMENT - that he and salazar did the FIRST 4 YEARS - first thing on the agenda - GET RID OF SALAZAR!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN!!!!!
 

Giana Peranio-Paz (383)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 2:55 am
Good ending to so much work! Way to go girls!
 

Rana Sinha (50)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 3:35 am
Noted, thanks for sharing.
 

Maggie Kearns (7)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 12:57 pm
Amen! Obama won! And I agree with Becky G,we need to get rid of Salazar!
 

Bill Eagle (32)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 1:15 pm
I love Andy Borowitz. He has a fun way to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.
 

Sharon F. (0)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 1:53 pm
Thanks to the President and Michelle for all their hard work to save us from Romney's narrow-minded policies. Romney wanted to increase the military by 100,000. All those $ need to go to infrastructure, FEMA and other things that affect lives of American people. Yeah--we showed the world that Americans can do things right.
 

Roseann D. (178)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 2:41 pm
Satirical? Isn't that their true platform?
 

Lin Penrose (92)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 4:59 pm
Noted, laughed and loved the post. The satire is a good mask for the truth. Question to Republicans and others who invoke a god for their actions:

What if you don't believe in a god who creates hurricanes for human punishment or payment, who approves of rapes of humans and rest of the earth, who approves that riches of any sort, should go to males, or any human who wants immense control at immense costs, regardless of the price billions of others will pay? I could not believe in such a god, regardless of the name of the religion or how many thousands of years it/ they- has/have been in power. No satire from me at this time.

 

Tal H. (8)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 8:03 pm
Go Obama!
 

Julie W. (21)
Thursday November 8, 2012, 9:39 pm
Almost too close to the truth to be funny! Love the cat poster.
 

Pamylle G. (460)
Friday November 9, 2012, 12:22 pm
Love it ! Yes, indeed, Allen West is throwing a temper tantrum, so why not a few more ?

I voted for Obama, and now the real work begins. Time to stop compromising to corporate interests & Republicans, and start moving toward a life-enhancing future for all: a cleaner Earth, and a just & equitable society. We need to PUSH !
 

Lois Jordan (55)
Friday November 9, 2012, 2:11 pm
Many new progressive groups were formed prior to the election to pressure our Pres. against fracking, oil pipelines, NDAA, to cut Pentagon funds, to address income inequality....we all must continue to support these groups pressuring our members of Congress and Pres. Rather than revel in our wins, we must add momentum to our People Power and progress forward.
 
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