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BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion' **ONION NEWS**


Offbeat  (tags: americans, bizarre, business, culture, environment, government, humor, off-beat, world )

Kit
- 641 days ago - theonion.com
Dudley told reporters that while he feels "tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion," he's just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company's gross revenue for 2011. **HUMOR**ONION NEWS**



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Comments

Kit B. (277)
Monday November 19, 2012, 4:21 pm
(BP- mock logo)

LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines. “All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.” Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.

***Humor***
 

Vicky P. (462)
Monday November 19, 2012, 4:46 pm
funny and sad, lol
 

JL A. (275)
Monday November 19, 2012, 4:46 pm
Funny, somehow I can believe an executive staff meeting where similar statements might have been made where protecting this part of BP was viewed as the 'prime directive' without real regard for the environmental and economic damaged others experienced...wonder whether certain industries can be required to become B Corps to mitigate this scenario ever being actual?
 

Kit B. (277)
Monday November 19, 2012, 5:46 pm

I think that fines equal to one years profits should be imposed on every oil, gas and coal company for these many "non-accidental" and permanent damages to our environment. We may still need oil for a while, we do not need these companies doing further damage to our planet.
 

Elle B. (81)
Monday November 19, 2012, 9:24 pm
The top brass should be required to do the hands on clean-up and live in the affected areas permanently.
 

Daniel Partlow (189)
Monday November 19, 2012, 9:58 pm
How about BP deeply regreting all the damage and destruction they have caused? No only the loss of a bit of profit!!
 

Susanne R. (249)
Monday November 19, 2012, 9:59 pm
How ironic that yet another accident occurred just a day after BP admitted criminal liability in the 2010 oil spill that devastated the Gulf of Mexico! As a result of this latest oil rig explosion, two people were killed, two are missing, and four are in critical condition. I would imagine that BP's quite happy that they don't have to deal with the financial consequences of another major oil spill. To them, that's reason to celebrate. Perhaps they'll give their CEO's a nice 200% raise.
 

Giana Peranio-Paz (379)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 2:09 am
They should be fines in a way that they "feel" the fine!!! Like the poor environment feels their pollution and destruction.
 

John S. (300)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 4:24 am
Thanks.
 

pam w. (191)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 6:19 am
Thanks....funny...with an underlying note of sadness. That's just NOTHING to B.P.

I understand there's a civil suit in preparation....THAT should be interesting. Where will they find a jury?
 

Tamara Noforwardsplz (185)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 8:22 am
I am not prone to violence but his comment just made me violently angry! I wonder, what color does he like his snapper? And does he prefer ones with eyes or no eyes? Maybe he is a lover of dead coral? Perhaps he would like a shiny new coat of oil on his no doubt expensive car this Chrismas!
 

Nancy M. (201)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 12:21 pm
Funny or ironic?
 

Yvonne White (231)
Tuesday November 20, 2012, 1:28 pm
Tooooo realistic..;)
 

Jennifer C. (172)
Wednesday November 21, 2012, 4:12 pm
Thanks.
 

Jelica R. (157)
Wednesday November 21, 2012, 5:39 pm
I doubt that BP CEOs will give a single $ from their salaries, benefits and bonuses to compensate for the damages on the communities and environment.
 
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